This is quite the dramatic change. I honestly doubt that you mean it. Just last month you told me you were talking to what, five if I remember right, other girls and all of a sudden it's you love me. Uhhh.. No. You tell me not to doubt that but I mean come on. I have the right to be skeptical and not believe you. I'm thoroughly convinced you're trying to get on my good side because you want something. It's just hard for me to believe that you genuinely feel like how you say you do considering..well everything. Yeah it's great to see this change but I don't believe that you're forreal. I just don't trust it. I'm not gonna believe it then you get what you want from me then dip. Noo no no. You dug yourself into this hole to where I can't trust you so you're gonna have to do some serious convincing to get me to believe you.

What the fuck was that I'm a "fake girlfriend" shit for, what the fuck did it mean, and where the fuck did it come from are my questions. I do my muthafucken damnest to give you what you want. I do some pretty amazing shit considering, yeah you're right, I am not your girlfriend. I know you've been through shit and you've been promised things and they didn't happen that's why I don't promise you these huge presents because what happens if I couldn't get it? I'd look foolish and you'd be pissed and you'd have reason to say I "ain't finna buy em so whatever." You don't understand how much that shit annoys me. When you needed money I gotchu. Okay, it wasn't hella money but that's not the point. What'd you get me for my birthday? Yeah, nothing. You showed up two hours late and was texting some other female. Nope, didn't even sit your ass next to me and you dipped right after you ate. But did I complain? Did I say shit? No. But for your birthday I bought you $155 pair of shoes. Shit doesn't get handed to me on a silver plater. My Mom is stretching her budget just like every other single parent out there, I don't just get handed $100 out of nowhere. I work to get the money I have to spend, it's not just handed to me. When you want something it takes me a week or two to come up with the money but haven't I always fucken gotten you something you wanted? I do my fucken best to provide for you in whatever way you need me to. But don't come at me sayin I'm not gonna come through for you. I understand no one else is going to do what I'm doing, but it's like if I don't do it when you want, how you want, wearing what you want, how fast you want it's "Oh I don't want it anymore." I'M NOT SUPERWOMAN. You just randomly tell me to buy your shoes on Saturday or else. I don't have what, $170, $190 on me just like that! You've put this pressure on me to do things your way or else you're just gonna blow the fuck up and leave me. I want to do these things for you but you have to give me time to do them. I'm sorry I'm not rich and I can't do things at your every command but it is what it is. I'm always "baby" when you want something. I'm tired of being scared you're gonna get mad and hold shit against me because I don't do what you tell me to do, when, where, how. It's like you only depend on me to get shit from me and no other reason. If that's gonna be the case then we gotta problem. I'm tired of you using your drunkeness as an excuse for you to be actin out and calling me names and shit. That's not cool, drunk or sober. Things are going to start to have to change, this is unacceptable whether you wanna admit it or not.

I guess you could say I don't really believe that you care about me. I just don't believe you could care about me, considering the way you've made me feel in the past. Why don't I hit you up? Because I'm scared. I'm scared I'll text you or call you when you're talking to another one of your females and I try to stay as ignorant to the fact you have other females as I can. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. When you're on your phone when I'm around you I just assume you're talking to one of them; you've done it many times before, not like you wouldn't do it again. I pretty much don't believe anything you say. Not that you miss me, not that you care about me, not that I look nice, not that you wouldn't abandon me, none of that. I have no reason to. I feel like I'm around when it's convenient for you. I'm "babe" when you need something from me, but other than that I'm whatever to you. It's like I'm around for your entertainment and because you know you got me and when you finally find the person you really care about from the heart it's gonna be "bye bye Rikki." When have you ever said you cared about me? When you're drunk... Always. Oh, that one time on your birthday when you said you should start treating me better, how you don't know what you'd do without me and how you thank God everyday you have me - how come I don't see that? That's what I mean by you need to prove to me I matter. I'm not asking you to go above and beyond for me, I'm just asking you to put in a little effort. I'm tired of telling you I'm tired of you not putting any effort in and getting the same excuses or the same redundant arguement. Ugh. You know fear has been my biggest thing when it comes to us. It could be me being scared of you getting hurt, or leaving me, or you getting mad at how I feel, whatever. I don't think I've ever been that scared of losing anyone ever. I shouldn't have to be fearful that you'll leave if I wanna just TALK. I don't know if you really don't believe me when I tell you how much you matter to me and how much I do love you or if you're just saying that but if I didn't I would NOT be putting myself through what we've been through just because I "like" you. Not worth it. But obviously you mean so much more to me if I'm here. You just expect me to believe everything you say or something. You know why everything you say is a damn lie to me? Because it is. It's been. Since day one I told you don't lie to me. But you continuously lied to me so when you actually start telling me the truth I just automatically don't believe you. That's how it is with everything you do. I honestly believe that when you're not talking to me you're off with someone else or you're talking to someone else so I don't call you because I don't wanna deal with alla that. Shit, you'll be texting a girl with me on the phone. You've done it with me at the goddamn table and this was just...a month ago. So how can I believe that I all of a sudden am this huge part of you? I don't. Yeah, you don't need to buy me shit or any of that. Yeah, you're right all I do need is your love, time, and devotion. But I don't get that so... I'm loving you the best way I can; but I'm not gonna do this anymore unless you're forreal with me. I'm tired of this being the 4,000th time I've said that but seriously. It gets draining competing with 6 different girls.

I think I'm gonna start using my Blogspot for my personal blogs but I'll still use my Tumblr. I deleted all my old ones since they were super outdated. This weekend was pretty good. I got to spend time with my three favorite people! So how'd my day go.. Woke up two hours later than I planned, lol. Showered, got dressed, packed, then headed off to Bffl's. She's the only person I've stayed close with since I moved. I guess that's how you know who your real friends are. I think it's weird how me and Ronnie only got close like, a few months into sophmore year even though I've known him since 7th grade. Those are the two people I know I can depend on most. I know my family will always have my back through everything but the thing is we don't get along. I mean we do but it's not the closeness that I wish I could have with them but it's always been like that so the distance and animosity between everyone isn't anything new. I'm pretty lucky to have them both. Ronnie's family is forreal like my second family. I love all of them and with Bffl it's more than her being like my sister. I admit, sometimes I take her for granted but then after I know I've pissed her off I just wanna say sorry and hug her but we're not into the touchy feely shit unless it's somethin crucial, lmfao. I don't even look forward to getting up in the morning.. It's the same routine every single day. *Sigh