I'd definitely rather be miserable alone than miserable with someone I love. I just wish I had an answer, seriously.. I just wish that I could wake up tomorrow and be like "Yes, I know he wants to make things work with me." or "I know that we're done and I don't have to worry about him calling me anymore." If you wanna step, get to it. You need to make a decision; all this waiting is making me sick. Maybe you're not the person who can give me what I want. What I want is to know I've got someone's heart like that. I miss being someone's something. Maybe that's a fantasy but I'm determined to feel like that. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and know that my boyfriend's still got feelings for me. For once, just once I'd like to know what it's like to be put first. I'm constantly giving. For once I just want you to be like "Here Rikki, this is what I'm gonna do for you today." when I see you. I'm fine being the giver. It's part of my nature and who I am, but I deserve the reciprocity. I deserve a little extra something once and awhile. I don't ask for or need it constantly. I'm not the type to ask for my man's attention 24/7. I understand he's got a life, I understand I'm not always his source of entertainment, love, attention, fun, etc throughout the day but I want to know for a fact that I'm his something. You babe, have a terrible way of showing I'm your "something." You don't know how much it meant to me hearing you say that you'd be sad if you lost me. But of course you "ain't no sucka." Just a little way of reassuring me you fucken care is all I asked from you. I don't ask for much from you, just to know that I mean something. But maybe that's too much for you. I'll be okay if you're not the spontaneous guy of my dreams. I'll be okay if you never do any of that stuff for me. All I want is a "Hey, you're special to me. Don't forget that." You're not the open with your emotions type, but I need to hear/be told that once and awhile if you don't show me through your actions. Maybe I'm needy or clingly or whatever, but being the person I am that's what I need from you. I don't want you to say that you don't wanna do this with me anymore then two weeks later get a text message or a call from you. I am not havin it. I don't do breaks. If you want it to be over then let it be over and I won't look back. That's not how I want it to be though.. When I'm around you you put the biggest smile on my face. You give the best, warmest hugs ever that make me feel so safe and secure. I love when you rub my skin because it gives me goose bumps. I'm always happy when I'm around you, even when we're arguing or having a bad time together. I've never been so happy I've had someone in my life before. I feel like I have everything I need in a person all wrapped into one. You are who makes me happiest. You know how to do it without even trying. Laying down in bed with you has got to be the best because I feel safest, happiest, the most secure, the most loved and cared about when you've got your arms around me. I fight to get how you feel out of you and that does damage to our relationship. I'm sorry I do that but I can't be happy if you never tell me how you're feeling. I honestly feel in my heart you're the person I want to spend a looong time with. I'm in love with you inside and out, through all we've been through. I don't want you to beat yourself up over the crap you've put me through. I want you to just get over it and move forward with me. I keep bringing it up because I feel stuck. As long as you want a future, something more than just this with me and you're trying to make it work and you're happy then all that's in the past. I really feel like we can make it through this...as long as it's what you want too. I want you to figure things out, I want you to find happiness. There's one thing I can promise you though, if you want this to work, deep in your heart and you truly want me around then I'll promise to stick this out with you. Only if you honestly want that. I'm still gonna be the super solid chick that you have now, just 10x better and more understanding than I'm being right now. I just want your attention that badly I guess that I'm being super clingy about it.. But I wouldn't be like that if you showed it a little better. But anyways.. I promise you'll still have me no matter what. If I made it through this past year with you I can make it through another one. We'll be us, but 10x better. I'll still be your girl through you trying to find happiness within yourself. I'll still come over, we'll still hang out, I'll still give you whatever you need whenever, I'll help you with anything and I'll do my best to be my best...but you'll only get my best if I'm really who you want to be with. If not I'm turning my back on this and I won't look back. That's devastating for me to even think about. But I won't put myself through it again if I'm not what you want. Let me just say one more thing.. Babe, you're really my happiness. You're like an extention of me. We can be happy together when you're happy with you. I honestly believe that with everything in me. Like I said before, through all we've been through I just couldn't leave because you've got my all. But don't you dare ever take that for granted. Ever. I can't wait to see you next Saturday despite the crazy past few weeks because even though we fuss, we fight, we argue and we say we're over, when we're together it all seems fixed. And if, God forbid this is the end of us, I want to spend one last day together, trying to work things out, and leave knowing I did my damnest. Regardless of how you feel about me, I love you through and through upside down and underwater because you really are the best.