Someone's big day is tomorrow! And I wish I could spend time with him, but I cannot.. But he's all mine Saturday and we're gonna have the time of our lives in The City. I'm really excited. <3

If You Really Wanna Know..

You've gotta get the point that you did this to yourself. Just do me the favor and stop bothering me. You had two years to get your shit together and you didn't. And now I'm just fed up with it. I spent damn near two years of my life devoted and faithful to a relationship that wasn't even a relationship to begin with. I spent two years of my life being devoted and faithful to a disrespectful, inconsiderate person.

This last time you convinced me, you really convinced me that things would get better. I swallowed my pride and ignored what my gut was telling me and I let myself start trusting you again. I started giving you the benefit of the doubt. But you blew it..again. The comment itself didn't really make me upset, it was what it represented: my trust, and my stupidity for trusting you. It brought me back to how I felt when I found all those Facebook messages you sent to other girls and all the text messages I'd read. It made me hate you all over again. I'm tired of turning a blind eye to it and sweeping it under the rug like it never happened. Bruh, it happened. Take responsibility for it. If you wanna play, then by all means feel free. But you ain't gonna play me no more. I know what it's like to be treated good and this is definitely not it. My trust with you is at about a -92 and my resentment towards you is at about a 110. I've so over your bullshit and your littleass games. I know I'm not perfect but damn.. You really can't point the finger at me this time. You honestly blew it. You lost your last chance and I'm done with you.

I'm tired of being disrespected. I'm over it. I'm tired of settling for less. I mean no disrespect because maybe this situation will work for another girl but it ain't cuttin it for me and I deserve better. I at least deserve a man who'll leave me enough money in my bank account to fucken buy myself lunch. That was so fucken selfish. That's disgustingly selfish. I couldn't even feed myself. I have a fucken job. I gave up my social life to have a job to be able to buy myself things for myself and do things when I want. But no, you're selfish. I had no problem buying you things here and there but fuck. You can't even leave me enough money to buy myself a goddamn sandwich? I had to ask someone to buy food for me? Do you know how fucken embarassing that is that I can't even apply for college yet because you've used up so much of my money on nonsense bullshit?

You blew it. Just give up. I really can't think of anything you could possibly do to get me to even remotely trust you again. I think you're a complete selfish, direspectful full of shit human being...that I'm in love with. I'm tired of looking like a dumbass and I'm tired of being embarassed and letting you walk all over me. I can't take you seriously and I sure can't take this pathetic situation seriously. I've over it. I don't even care.

I just want you to know that you did it to yourself. After 2 years you and a million chances you still couldn't get your shit together. You're not the "man" I wanna be with. That's a joke.

Smh. Never fuck with a guy who won't even leave you enough money in YOUR own account to buy yourself food. I got work, I'm fucken hungry and I'm very cranky because I have no money. Anywhoo..

I'm in a luhhly mood and I'm not gonna let you ruin it! I don't know why I bothered to call you in the first place. But anyways.. That's a whole nother story and I ain't even tryna make myself all mad by even blogging about it.

Today was a typical Monday - crap, lol. I have a D in AP bio. I'm actually proud of myself, as dumb as that sounds. I have a new study method I'm super excited to try and I'm really confident in myself for this next unit. Plus, he hasn't put in all our labs yet which is three/four of them. Then prefix quiz on Wednesday which I'm hoping is gonna bring my grade up. I'm herra mad too because I have hella borderline grades. SMMH. But I have till December to bring them up. December isn't even that far away! Ahhh! I was hella mad they told me not to come into work. Work is my safe haven. =( Plus I needed the hours cos my paycheck is gonna be hella little this pay period. Fuck. I don't even have the money to pay for my cap and gown for graduation and the shit is due Tuesday. I'm fucken broke. I feel really pathetic. I want a second job. That sounds crazy but I love making money and being able to get myself what I want, when I want (which hasn't happened because.. well, lol. I think we all know why.) I only work Friday-Monday and sometimes I don't even work Mondays which is hella knowing. I'm hella annoyed. My fucken $150 purse broke today too. The little thing you use to make the zipper go from one side to the other broke off. PIECE OF SHIT. I need JR to fix it since he fixed my keys when that happened, haha. I saw Migsy today which was pretty much the only highlight of my day. Oh. I got a court date because apparently I'm a truent. I need to get that shit taken care of. Wtf, I missed one day. Anyways.. I'm gonna work on my forensics Powerpoint. Toodles.

This is the funniest thing I've ever had someone tell me: "You're the sweetest and nicest person I've ever met. When you're not being a mean rude bitch or complaining."




So true. So so true. Haha.

Just some things I wanna say to some people:

- I work so much and I can never go down there to see you. It makes me sad. I haven't seen you since what? July 4th? That's hella gay. We're missing out on so much of each other's life.
- Thanks for always being my shoulder to lean on and be there when I got prollems with the boy. I miss our adventures too. If it wasn't for that faithful day a year ago we would never be friends. I consider you one of my best friends.
- You gotta chill once and awhile. I know I'm to blame for a lot of your stress and I'm sorry. I don't want you to hate me one day..
- You're gay. Just admit it. We're all gonna love you the same.
- I wish we could take this somewhere.
- I'm not even gonna lie, I wish you and my Mom stayed together.
- I miss you sometimes.
- I'm confused right now and I don't think I'll ever come to a decision. Maybe you'll have to make it for me. I kinda wish you would..

That's the plan and I'm stickin to it.

I hope we all go up to the City again soon! My coworkers are seriously my only friends now. -_- I wanna get all purrty and just kick it and have a good time. I miss going out and just chillen. Work and school are such a fucken routine. I can't wait to graduate and have my license. I love being at work though. My favorite place to be. Anywhoo.. I have $62 to my name. It's really embarassing. Well, not really because all my money pretty much went to a good cause. I bought my Mom's/brother's/Nick's birthday presents. I also paid for my Mom's cake. Among other things I do need to eat so I buy myself food. But other than that all my money goes to Nick, who I really don't think appreciates he gets free reign over my bank account. It's like, I work hard for my money. It's hard to juggle school and work and keep on top of them both but I do it. I never get to go shopping because it's get my bills/important shit paid for first, then luxuries. But when I get to the point where I can/should be buying myself things I don't spend that money on myself. It all goes to him. I didn't know it was that hard to kick down $6 for some McDonalds but apparently it is. Even when he had a job he never paid for anything. But I'll just stop bitching now. Back to homeworking.

Today is gonna be a loong day. Gotta be at work by 9:00 to get ready for the President! It's such an honor. I'm hecka nervous though. What if I do something wrong?! Ate Lala would fire me on the spot. x__x Hella people are butthurt they weren't picked to work with the President. I guess I would be too. But it's based on how well you perform your job, duh.

I saw my baby yeterday! We got into like, the biggest fight ever. But we made up (thank you Jesus!) I know I gotta stop being so bitchy and complaining all the time. It's just part of who I am but I know he gets the brunt of it. Poor guy, haha. He helped m try to find a skirt for today, which was a fail. But it was nice he tagged along with me. He got me Fresh Choice to-go! Nom Nom nom! It was my first meal all day. Mm. No work tomorrow for my Mom's birthday. Then no work next Saturday so I can spend time with my love for his birthday. Welp, time to go! I'm so exhausted..

Idk how I feel..

You've managed to make the past week completely miserable for me. Everyday I've wanted to just call of quits and forget about you. You just don't get it. It's a waste of my time to even try to explain how I feel because obviously, according to how you acted yesterday, you're completely incapable of listening to me and taking my feelings seriously. All you do is ignore me and talk to me when it's convenient for you. All you've been doing is pissing me off to the point I just wanna fucken punch you in the mouth and scream and cry. I hate feeling like this. You try and sweet talk your way out of everything and when that doesn't work you just cuss me out. You're constantly ruining my whole day. You're acting exactly like you did before and I'm not havin it. I have a migraine everyday thanks to you and I spend the whole day feeling like complete shit. I'd rather have you out of my fucken life than feel like this. I can't fucken take it.

Some days I don't even wanna bother anymore. I don't wanna see you, deal with you, talk to you. I just wanna forget we're even talking.

NEVER BUY YOUR MAN AN XBOX. THEY WILL IGNORE YOU.

Smh. >=( *major pout

Proud of myself. I, all by myself, did the only good garlic root tip slide in bio today. =) I have a fucken econ test tomorrow and I haven't read ANY of the chapters or done the study guides. That's what Kumar's been for, haha. I'm fucked. I'll study a little tonight and tomorrow before class. I'm doing the stupid personal statement thing for english. I wanna finish it by 9:00pm so I can sleep early. I'm happy I didn't have work today. I could rest, even though I miss work. =/ Lol. I finally finished my box for photo. Our serial killer for forensics is John Wayne Gacy, which is actually pretty boring. I wanted the guy who got off to sheep. Hahah. I was talking to Jenny today about how I seriously like, have no friends. I mean, I know a lot of people but I don't hang out with them/kick it like we're coo or anything. That doesn't bother me any cos I know just a few more months and I'll be done with high school and I'll make a bunch of new friends and how I know now really won't matter. I barely get to talk to my Bffls (WHO I MISS A WHOLE FUCKEN LOT) but I know they're my friends regardless. They're really my only friends. I consider the people I work with more my friends than anyone I actually go to school with. But anywhoo, it's okay cos I'm out soon! Got my cap and gown packet thingy today. Everyday I'm there is one step closer to grdaduating. Welp, I finished my personal statement. Relax time.

Yaawn.. I'm so tired. Yesterday I worked the 3-9:30pm shift. It was fucken DEAD. For a good hour there was no one in the restaurant. JR brought me coffee cos I told him to. Cheea, haha. I was a waitress yesterday even though I only had like, 10 tables the whole day haha. I'm kinda excited for this Saturday. I'm a chosen one, haha. My Mom's birthday is in 3 days and my brother's is in 9. He's so old now. Okay, I planned on saying more but it's time for school!

Dear blog, I've neglected you a lot lately. I just got home from work and I have tons of AP bio homework to do. I should do it but I'll blog first. I haven't been able to just talk and let stuff out. There's always something to be done. If I'm not at school or doing something school related (homework, typically) then I'm at work. That takes up 97% of my time and energy. The other 3% I'm doing something that is still a necessity, in reality. Like taking my permit test/practicing driving, etc etc. I never get time to just be alone, to think and to just rest. I miss silence. I always hear SOMETHING whether it's birds or the sound of my typing - whatever, it's still noise. I miss seeing my friends and going out. When I have free time I spend it with my love. It's my way of just relaxing and getting away from all the work I have to do. He's like my vacation. =) Haha, gay.. But that's how it is (now that we're good, yes!) Just laying down in bed with him in my favorite. I could just lay there for days. He's really the only person that knows what's going on in my life cos that's who I talk to, even though I don't really tell him a lot. I don't wanna overload him with me me me. But I'm thankful that he listens to begin with (except right now when I really wanna talk!!!!! Lol.)

Work was super annoying today, idk why. I've been super annoyed and bitchy the past two days. Maybe it's cos of my rag but fuuuck. Mr. Mac came to the resturant today! Emma is shooo cute. Oh! And Nickaloo came too! His family is so nice. His Mom called me hardworking. =) Haha. I never knew how hard it would be to balance everything that's going on. Above anything else, I really miss my Bubs. Even though I just saw him on Thursday, it feels like I haven't seen him in so long. Sometimes the weeks, and lately we do go weeks without seeing each other, go by really fast but right now I really really miss him.. Maybe this is my period talking, lol, but still. I wanna hug him really hard right now. His birthday is coming up, yaay! Even though he got his present already. -_- It made me laugh. He took a picture of the Xbox I bought him, with the iPhone I bought him. Lolol, idk why that made me laugh. But anywhoo.. I should get on that AP bio homework I have. I just wanna sleep. BUT SLEEP IS FOR LOSERS.

I haven't blogged in awhile. I just haven't had time and when I do I'm too lazy to turn on my computer, haha. I'm having pasta, salad, and garlic bread for dinner. Yuuums. =) I'm taking my permit test tomorrow.. AND I GET TO SEE MY BABY. I MISS HIM SO MUCH! Other than that, so far I really have nothing to say. Toodles for now. Lol.

I'm watching Tyra and she did some survey and 78% of teens drink before they have sex. Who does that? Lol. Like, everytime you're gonna have sex you drink? You shouldn't have to drink to have sex with someone. I sure don't think I have to. You sjhhould only do it with someone you actually care about so I shouldn't have to drink to have to have sex. That's hella retarded, haha.

I knew this shit was too good to be true, hah.

Maybe I'm being a little ungreatful. You really have made some noticeable, admirable differences lately. I can't let you think I don't notice. You seem to really be trying and making an effort. We can talk through things now, and your temper, at least tonight, was in control and you let me be a pouty, cranky, whiney girl. I guess if you didn't luhh me you wouldn't do all that.. =) I just wanna tell you thanks, babebess. Idk what I'd do without ya.

I shouldn't hate saying "I love you" to the person I'm in love with. Sounds pretty fucken stupid to me but OKAY.

The past few days have really been some downers for me. I thought on Friday going to work would make me happy but I just got even more annoyed and shit. Today was just as bad pretty much. I wish I had someone I could just vent to about stuff. Like at the end of the day I wanna be able to just talk to someone. I don't even feel like blogging anymore. *sigh..

"I guess" things between me and Nick are "getting better." I guess. I don't really know. I don't really believe he's forreal because he's told me about 8,000 times that "this time he is really gonna change." Yup, I believe you. But I guess I won't know unless I actually stick with him. But I dunno..

I'm pretty sure it's time for a haircut. Not because it's long, but because I got major split ends. -_-I wanna dye my hair carmel colored. =O I'm tired of the red. I need to get my brows and nails did too. I miss feeling pretty. Lmao. Cos lately I've just not cared, more than usual. I've started to procrastinate already.. I need to catch myself. This is not condusive behavior. I really, really wanna go to Cal Acad of Sciences. =( =( But my package comes in the mail tomorrow!! Yee! I felt like I had a lot more to blog about. I did actually, but I forgot. Oh well. Toodles.

Someone HELLA killed my play today. THANKS. LOL. I hella didn't even know how to do damage control. -_- Thanks a lot, thanks. But today was hella funny. I was cracking eggs with JR and the whites were going in the trash and the yolks in this big container and my dumbass goes "Which part are we using for the leche flan?" and he just stared at me. It was hella funny. I think I'm getting sick though. I have a cough. On Saturday I had hella cough drops and took some of Hans' Robutussin. I love work. So much good company. I got a screen protector for my phone and since it came with three I gave one to Mr. Excited (aka Kuya Ed) and then JR...who put mine on so ugly. Well, I mean it's good but there are two really small spots along the edge that have specks under them. I have lot of stuff to get together for school tomorrow but I'm super lazy so I'll do it in the morning. Toodles!

Sometimes I do stuff that I know is gonna annoy you. I'm immature, oooh. HA. You're dumb.

Thanks for making my night, even if it wasn't for long. =)

Okay, done feeling sorry for my love life. Lmao.

I want someone who can make me proud to call him my man.

There are some days where I wish I had a normal person in my life and a normal relationship like everyone else. I know there's always a story behind couples and they aren't always as happy as they seem, but their situation is forsure 10,000 times better than mine. I know I seem ungreatful but.. I can't decide whether or not this is really worth it. I'm tired of being one of a many and I've said that so many times I've lost track. But I put myself in the situation to let someone treat me like that. What really bums me out is that I have someone in my life that I love so much and he doesn't do me right. It's just so complicated. One minute I'm on top of the world, but the other 99% of the time it's just "meh.." I don't need some to make my heart skip a beat every ten fucken seconds. I just want some to be..fuck. I don't even know. Apparently asking for someone who is sweet, and loving, and caring, and understanding, and respectful, and supportive of me is asking for waay too much. And the thing is with you, you are those things. Just not with me. Can't make something happen that isn't there, I guess.



I'm so happy I have work tomorrow. Once school is over, I can escape from having to remember how I really feel inside.

Depostied my check yesterday. When I went there it was super dead and everyone was on break. Checks now are lookin to be typically in the $400-$500 range. Probably no more than $500, but I'm not complaining. I'm just happy to have a job. Bought Mommy's birthday present last night. Cost me $200, but it's okay. It's for my Mommsy. Got her a blu-ray player. I'm so excited to give it to her! Haha. But her birthday isn't for 23 days. Then I went shopping for myself since I gave away/donated/threw out 3 garbage bags of clothes. I never wore them or just outgrew them and let them sit in my closet so my Mom wouldn't be mad I was getting rid of them but it just got to be annoying having them cluttering my room so I just tossed em. I got another Alternative Appearal vneck, these hella cute black leggings with bows on the back, grey cardigany sweater thing, a skirt, and a bigass hobo bag. It's soo cute. No more shopping till after October. Important birthdays coming up +I don't wanna spend all my fucken money, haha. All of that only cost me less than $200. Kristine gave me $130 to buy stuff for her online so I also bought myself a Mikey Mouse sweater thing. It was only $19. =) No more spending, Rikki! Haha. Okay, Papa made me lunch so I'm gonna eat nao. Toodles.