Last night felt good. It felt good to be out, around people that I'm comfortable with just having a genuine good time. It also felt nice to not be sober. I know that's kind of a screwed up thing to say but it's true. The drinks and the smoking calmed me down and made me happy. I didn't do it as an excuse to feel that way, but it definitely helped me feel better. That bo tasted pretty nasty though. I had to keep spitting. And it made me cough for a good 4 minutes nonstop. No one had the good ole' plain shit, lol. I didn't really do much at the party. Just drank, caught up with people I hadn't seen in awhile, basically just sat the whole time. It was cool though, I had fun..for the most part.

The thing about going to parties is that you're there, always. It's not exactly a bad thing but we always end up arguing during the party and you make me feel like shit. I mean, look at Katherine's party, look at your birthday party, look at Jazz's party. We end up arguing over something. And I'm not tryna be sad and pouty at a party because we got into an arguement so I'm gonna ignore how bad you made me feel and try my best to have a good time. But I'm still thinking about you and what you're doing and it really does ruin my fun.

I really hope you liked the presents you got from me, then the one I still have with me. It really made me upset that you been knowing I was gonna see you on Tuesday and you couldn't take the time out of your day to sit down for ten minutes and write me a card at the very fucken least? You were watching a fucken movie the night before I saw you; you could've done it then. But no, I see how fucken important making me happy is. Then my card is all fucken bent up in your couch cushion and shit. Like forreal. I see how it is. No matter how much you wanna say you love me it's not like you do anything to show me that. I go above and beyond for you and what do I get in return? I'm not asking for anything elaborate or over the top. You know that the big shit like that doesn't matter to me. It's the little things that do. Go out of your way to do little things. It's like I'm not even worth that. You do make me feel hella worthless and like I don't deserve shit. But the thing is I do. I know I fucken do but I don't even care that you don't do anything for me because it's how I'm used to you treating me. I'm unhappy and I don't think it's very good that I'm used to it. But it's not like anything is gonna change. I guess I'm just not ready to leave you quite yet. I've lost almost all my faith in this relationship but how much I love you and how much you mean to mean hasn't and it grows and grows as time goes on - that's what keeps me here. Other than that, you haven't shown me much effort and action that you really want me around. Maybe I'm asking for too much. Or maybe you're just being ignorant.