I won't go through with what a part of me is telling me to do because the logical part of me knows I'll regret it. And because Bffl said so. I know what would happen and I'm not gonna put myself in that situation. I'm not that type of person either. Also, I know I'm doing it for all the wrong reasons. Attention is definitely not a good reason. I'm looking for something that I'm not getting currently, somewhere else. I'm not that type of person so I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna get anything out of it other than maybe momentary satisfaction, maybe. And in the end how I really feel wouldn't change. So I won't. And I'm happy with that decision.

Other than that I can't sleep at all. I'm so anxious for my chem challenege lab tomorrow. I studied a bit earlier and I have a few questions I'm gonna ask Kenny tmr and I'm leaving it up to God to help me out tmr. I'd be beyond devastated if I didn't pass. I'd feel like a complete failure at life and I wouldn't even know what I'd do to myself if I didn't pass the lab and had to take the final. I'm gonna prove Mr. Mac wrong and pass the damn lab. I'm not gonna look at my results until Monday because I don't wanna ruin my weekend. I really wish my body would let me sleep. I'm beyond anxious. I can feel the physical affects of my anxiety right now. I have terrible aniexty and right now I am feeling no bueno. I'm trying to use those gay techniques my therapist suggested to calm myself down but it's not working. Ugh.

Look at that panty dropper on the right. Seriously, so many bitches on his dick on Friday. To be expected, haha. And look at my purty Ate Carina on the left. She's gonna make it big. And I'll be able to say "We used to play cherades together when I was a kid."

Quite bored.

You’ve just had an argument with the boy you like, you walk away. Do you want them to leave you alone or come after you?
It's really up to them and how they feel. If you wanna walk, you're more than welcome. (Maybe I'm being bitter cos of someone. Lol.)

If you clone yourself and kill your clone, is it considered suicide?
Uh, no.

Do you believe in kissing when you’re not together yet?
I've been for almost a year and a half, haha.

Would you kiss the last person who texted you, on the lips?
Already have.

What’s your relationship with the last person you texted?
Friends.

What would be the first thing you would do with 100,000 dollars?
Give half of it to my Mom, put the half of my half away in the bank, and do whatever else with the other half.

Do you trust all of your friends?
With certain things.

Ever loved someone who wasn’t good for you?
Mhm.

Do you go to the tanning bed on a regular basis?
I'm naturally dark, thanks. Haha.

If you HAD to have someone’s name tattooed on you right now, whose would it be?
Well I'm gonna have my last name tattooed on my back in a few months.

Who was the ugliest person you saw today?
I don't know?

Will you be dating anyone in a month?
Nope.

For people that don’t know you, what do they think your age usually is?
It differs. My age to 18+.

Do you think someone is talking crap about you behind your back?
Everyone talks shit at one point.

Do you remember who you had feelings for December 2009?
Yeahp.

What color was the last pill you took?
White.

Be honest, are you starting to gain feelings towards anyone?
No.

Are you losing feelings towards anyone?
I don't know.

Has more than one person ever told you they’re in love with you?
No! Haha.

The first person you fell for, do you still care about them?
I care about all the people in my life, so yeah. Even though we haven't seen each other in forever.

Who has the ability to hurt you the most emotionally?
Mom.

Sex ruins relationships, right?
It can. It's all in how both individuals handle it.

How many tattoos do you have? And how many do you want?
None right now. I want the ones I want; I don't have a limit.

Do you think it’s a bunch of bull shit when people say “I have no regrets”?
I think everyone has a regret here and there, even if it's small.

Do you know what you want to be when you grow up?
A nurse practioner (PhD) that specializes in pediatrics/burn unit/or critical care patients.

Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over?
Not really.

Be honest, who is the easiest person in your life to talk to?
My Bffl. Or Ronnie P.

Have you lived in the same town your entire life?
No I have not.

Do you have a Facebook?
Mhm.

Last time you consumed alcohol?
Today, technically.

Would you rather sleep for 3 days, or stay awake for 3 days?
Sleep, haha. Or stay awake but not be like I'm all strung out like a druggie.

Last person you were in a car with?
Mummsy.

Mcdonalds, do you like it or does it disgust you?
It disgusts me now.

Have you ever been to Oregon?
I have not.

If someone were to ask you if you were okay right now, are you?
I guess so.

Are you tan right now?
I'm always tan.

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night?
I did!

Have you ever been around someone who was high?
All the time, lol.

You’re locked in a room with the person you last texted, any problems?
Nope, haha.

Are there any stressful situations in your life?
Finals! Wahh!

Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/​​girlfriend?​​
Nope.

Has someone ever called you at midnight on your birthday?
Mhm. Katsumi Takada! For my 14th birthday he stayed up till midnight and sang me happy birthday. Then Nugget Ronnie called me last year.

Will this week be a good one?
I don't know.

Do you want to see somebody right now?
I do.

Have you ever liked someone older than you?
I always have.

Who did you last fall asleep with?
Myself.

Do you always answer your phone?
Not always.

Does anyone ever spell your name wrong?
All the fucken time, lol.

What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Apperance, obviously.

Do you have alcohol in your house?
Yeah.

What is the closest pink object by you?
My blankey.

Would your life be the same without alcohol?
I don't know. Maybe, maybe not.

Could you go a month without cursing?
If I tried.

Is there anybody you wish you would be spending time with right now?
Yes. =)

How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?
None.

Papa's favorite team is the Celtics. Mine isn't the Lakers, but I most def love the Lakers more than the Celtics. I damn near hate the Celtics. Especially the guy in this picture. It'll be animosity in my house when we're watching the game. I'm excited.

WHAT IS MY MOTHER'S PROBLEM? IF SHE WANTS SOMETHING DONE OR SHE NEEDS HELP, TELL ME. I CAN'T READ MINDS. IT'D BE A LOT MORE PRODUCTIVE THAN SLAMMING DOORS AND TALKIN SHIT ABOUT ME. SMH! Whatever. Tacos for dinner and a new My Fair Wedding.

COLLEGE LIST

>CSU Long Beach - Long Beach, CA
>CSU East Bay - Hayward, CA
>Emory University - Atlanta, GA
>Hawaii Pacific University - Honolulu, HI
>Samuel Merritt University - Oakland, CA
>San Diego State University - San Diego, CA
>San Francisco State University - San Francisco, CA
>University of San Francisco - San Francisco, CA

OR

Ohlono Community College then transfer to University of California Irvine.

Those are the places I'm apply to but I'm also gonna take my placement tests for Ohlone early and have my permanent spot at UCI so I have all my bases covered. I want all my options open. I really wanna go to Emory though. That'd be exciting. =) Top medical college in Georgia. Don't ask me why Georgia... Lol.

Recap on the weekend: Friday was coo, the concert +hanging out w/ the boy, Saturday... what the fuck happened? LOL. I really don't remember. Oh. I had work. Watched a movie with mi familia. Sunday, BBQ +party party with my chicos. Today I had work and now I'm home and I finished most of my english homework. Now I need to study for chem. Tomorrow is my titration! Ahh! I'm scurred! My head is all over the place. Idk, bye!

I really want this. =( $39.95 at Apple though.. Idk if I really wanna spend that much on a case right now.

I guess curiosity prompted you to ask me if I had sex with other people while we weren't talking, but I that was a dumb question. I've been faithful since day one. I didn't have to be, I didn't owe it to you but I'm not the type of person to sleep around. I don't think it's right. And if I recall, I didn't have sex with anyone before we met. To me, sex was and still is something you share with someone you really care about. I couldn't see myself having sex with anyone else because I'm not in love with anyone else, stupid. When I asked you the same question and you didn't answer. I asked you like three times before you started at least giving me BULLSHIT answers. Finally you said know but that was a load of crap. You said it shouldn't matter who else you have sex with. How the fuck you gonna ask me why it matters to me? BECAUSE IT JUST DOES. You don't wanna think what we have is serious but we've been talking for dumbass long, we've been through a lot together, regardless of whether or not you wanna admit it there's a level of seriousness with us. You wanna go out and play and fuck other bitches, fiiine. But I'm not gonna put up with it. I'm not gonna be talkin to a nigga for a year and not have it go anywhere. You at least owe me not having sex with anyone else. Come on. If I had sex with someone else you KNOW you'd be pissed as fuck and you're probably leave but oh no, I'm not allowed to get mad. Gtfo with that shit. I shouldn't have stopped you when you were trying to leave. I should've just let you walk because you're right, I didn't believe you when you said no. Nor did I believe you all the other times you said you didn't fuck some other bitch or do this or do that. I don't believe a damn thing you tell me. If you wanted to go I should've just let you go and not look back. Go have sex with whoever you want because as long as we're talking, I am not gonna put up with you fuckin some other girl. That's disrespectful. And gross. Wtf if I catch something? That's fucken nasty. I didn't wanna know how many girls you've had sex with because I'm pretty sure it's way more than I can stomach to know. I know it's a lot but I don't need an exact number. I've heard enough from other people, you've told me enough, and I've figured enough out that I know it's a lot. How come a girl is a hoe for having sex with different guys but it's totally okay for a guy? Age old question. It's not okay that you're having sex with other people. I have the biggest feeling but I just wish I knew something for sure. It's obviously you're fucken lying to my face all the times I've asked you or it's come up but I want solid evidence. The thought of you touching another girl makes me sick to my stomach. But it's nothing new. I feel like that all the fucken time. Idk why you even asked me if I had sex with anyone else. You damn well should know the answer to that. NO. IT'S A NOT. WHO WOULD I HAVE SEX WITH OTHER THAN YOU, SHOULD BE THE FIRST QUESTION. AND IT'S GROSS. I'm not someone's cuddy buddy. I'm not down with fuckin a guy just for a fuck. That's not me. I think you're nasty as fuck for bein down to do that shit. I'm not gonna let some guy have the privlege of having sex with me JUST ONCE. That's gross. I think sex is something that should be shared between two people that care about each other. Call me old fashioned but that's how I feel. I think if you've had sex with 10 people in a lifetime is a lot, much less 18. I've done nothing to make you think I'd ever do that to anyone, especially you. Just because we weren't speaking didn't mean that everything bewteen us was off, it wasn't the end. Just because I felt like having sex when we weren't speaking doesn't mean I'd go out and find some guy who's down to fuck. Gross. That's all I can think about is gross. That may be something you're down to do, but definitely not me. And I think it's even more disrespectful that you go out and fuck other girls, then fuck ME, putting my health on the line. WHAT IF YOU GET SOME NASTY FUCKEN STD? I GET IT TOO. I would seriously castrate you my friend. I wouldn't even be mad at the female who gave it to you. You consciously had sex with idk how many other girls than have sex with me too. That's fucked up. But I guess it's even more fucked up I still have sex with you knowing that you do that stuff to me. I guess I'm the one to blame. But whatever. This shit it annoying as fuck. I wanna rant some more but it'll come out all in jibberish. My mind is moving 100x faster than my hands can type.

/angryrant/ FUCK. No pun intended.

Last night was super coo. After the boy left, I napped and finally cleaned my room. YOU'LL BE SO PROUD OF ME. It's spotless. I wish you didn't have to wait till God knows when to see it because it'll probably be dirty be then. The concert was alright. Ate Carina rocked that muthafucken show though. She came up to me at concessions and we caught up for a bit. It was cool. Everyone is like, so shocked she's my cousin. We used to play cherades at her house when I was 6. I remember when she used to stop singing when I'd open the garage door in my house when Tito and his band used to play at the house. That shit was soo long ago. Tim Ferguson had the bitches droppin panties of course. Typical, haha. It's either chill with them at Warped Tour or go to Deygo with my Mom my actual birthday weekend. Idk though.. I don't wanna really do anything. Stayed at the show till about 10:00ish, chilled for a bit, then went home. I hella knocked out when I got home. I had the worst headache. Woke up at around 7:30, went to work a little bit and went grocery shopping. I'm totally stocked up for the rest of the year. Chilled at Mama and Papa's house a little then went to watch a movie. Now I'm home. BBQ at la casa de Papa tomorrow. I get to see Mr. Miggles! I gotta do this outline thing for socio and send it out by tonight. I need to study for chem since my lab is the first day... Then I have to somehow get a hold of the Crowther homework because I don't have my book. Fuck. This is where Roan is gonna come in handy. The weather today was so luhhly.

Twas such a good day! Err, school went by HELLA slow and I bombed that math test. =( But I'm hoping with the chapter 11 test I never took and the chapter 10 retake I can bring it up. I need to.. I'm lightweight scared of the challenge lab but I will prove Mr. Mac wrong. I can do it. After school (I was oozing with excitement) I rushed home to get ready. I barely had time since someone was there before I was. Lol. I ruushed. I threw on whatever since I didn't wanna keep him waiting and we bounced off to Fujisan. I was craving sushi all day. I ate so much. I was still super hungry but I didn't wanna go get ice cream or something cos I felt bad, haha. We went back and chilled at my casa. I really need to clean my room!! Haha. He kept pointing it out. I'm gonna clean it this weekend. I'm really glad we got along so well today. We arguedish for like 5 minutes but he threatened to leave (SMH. I HATECHU!) so I was all "Ohkay fine.." Then after that, all was well. Luhh you, faggle.. My mind hasn't changed about anything, but I am still really happy. I'm gonna nap after this, then off to the YouTube concert to see my future husband perform. =) I get to see Smurks tonight! I haven't seen that nigga since summer school. Too bad Roshni couldn't go tonight. It could've been a reunion. I have this weed brownie in my bag. I don't know who I'm going halfsies on it with... I didn't even want this thing! Lol. But *he who shall remain nameless came up to my in the hallway asking me if I wanted it now. I was all "Uh..." I'm really worn out right now, lawl. So I'm gonna watch True Life and then take a little nap.

Got Your Back - T.I. ft Keri Hilson

=)

Whoo! Negative! I'm so happy! Mymy and I went right at the begining of 5th. I hadn't peed since the night before so I was chalk full of urine. LOL. I peed on that stick like no tomorrow. When I was done peeing Mymy stood in the stall with me. I was shaking so much. I was texting Bffl but I was shaking so much I could barely type. Those were the longest three minutes of my life. I'm gonna take another one the first weekend in June to make sure though. I'm wondering why it's negative and I still haven't gotten my period. I really want my period to come though! It wasn't really the positive I was scared for, it was more the waiting period leading up to getting my answering is what killed me. Tomorrow is a short day for the funeral. RIP Mr. England. =( The periods are all only 30 minutes long. But I have part 1 of the chapter 13 test. The Monday I do my titration for chem. I WOULD BE GOING THE FIRST DAY. Tita Marie moves in here tonight. FUCK. WHY HERE? PAPA AND MAMA TOLD GRANDMA GLO THAT SHE COULD STAY AT THEIR HOUSE COS IT'S HELLA CROWDED HERE ALREADY BUT NAH. SMH. I'm probably gonna stay at Ma and Pa's for the most part once school is out cos I'm hella uncomfortable with her here. Since she's sleeping on the couch I'm gonna let Mom sleep in my room. I needa shower so I can blow dry and straighten my hair tomorrow. I guess me and the boy are going out to lunch tmr. I really haven't seen him in ages. It'll be weird. But I'm gonna watch Dog, shower, then cook me some tocino and rice for dinner. =)

THAISON PHAM, I LOVE YOU. I don't know what I'd do without him and Mymy. Whether it's mine and Mymy's double dates to Planned Parenthood and Italian dinners afterwards or giving all my cool condoms in the hallway all "nonchalantly" to them because they ran out or complaining back and forth about how much our relationships suck (Mymy, Thaison adores you. Stfu! Lol). They're always there for me! Mymy IMed me saying Thaison would buy the test for me so I didn't have to, I just had to give him the money. I DIDN'T EVEN ASK! I was gonna go buy a test myself. But fuck those things are soo expensive. $25, but that's for two I believe. But still.. I don't know what I'd do without em! I think I'll take a test as soon as I get it, and if it's negative, which I pray to God that it is, I'll take the second one in June when it's been a whole month just to be safe. My goodness.. It's nice to have someone to depend on, even if it's just for something a small as buying the test for you. =)

Roan just sent me the mother of all text messages. That thing was like 9 pages long. We're in the same boat about the group thing. Neither of us really likes being there anymore. Can someone tell me why I've broken out so bad? I need to start using my acne treatment thing again because I normally only get like one or two pimples now it's like bam all over the place. It looks like the fam and I are eating out on the 4th since my brother is going to his Dad's that weekend. I have therapy on the 4th. After an hour of me complaining I hate being around them I'm forced to go out to eat with them. LOL. Oh my goodness, why is it everyone ALWAYS texts me at the exact same time?! First it was Smurky, then Roan, then Austin, then Nick, then now Ronnie. Ronnie is like "Pray for me" and I think omg is he sick or something? NO. OF COURSE HE'S NOT. IT'S RONNIE. HE'S SUPERMAN. He found a car. -____- The car "he's been looking for." Come on. I thought it was something good. With Ronnie it's always cars, money, shoes, or food. Ugh. I hate him. He's getting an RSX. I want an RSX. =(

Pho for dinner! Tastes hella yummy on this rainy day. The last time I had pho was March 6 with his Mom and her now husband! I remember I couldn't even finish half of my bowl at Mr. Pho. Personally, I like Pho Tau Bay better but Mr. Pho was still hella yum. I put hella jalepanoes, Sriracha, chile paste and it's still not spicy enough for me! Pho, Ruby (then Revolutionary Road after I'm done), texting and I'm set for tonight. Food makes me happy. =) I bought pork buns for tomorrow and moji for dessert. Lab for chem tomorrow, starting presentations for socio. I'm PISSED that I did the whole damn thing and I'm doing the outline too. I'm very controlling in situations like group work. I want all the responsibility and then delegate it out. Lol. I wish that for my birthday I could get a hotel for the night so I don't have to rush to go to someone's house (where ever I sleep, lol) to sleep. I wanna spend my whole day in Sf then get to sleep in a hotel. Buuuuut.. Haha. Idk, we'll see what happens. 12 more days of school! We get out hella early on Friday for Mr. England's funeral. I really want to go but I don't have a ride there. I really wanna pay my respects. He was such a great guy and PHHS, especially the bank, will never be the same without him there. But his presence will always be in the bank. <3 We miss you Mr. England.

I didn't get my period. I'm not gonna freak out yet. But other than that, I am VERY grumpy bear right now. And extremely kawawa.

So that conversation didn't exactly go as planned.. So I'll just pretend like the last three days of my life didn't happen and continue on with myself as if we never even spoke. I completely understand you not wanting to talk about it but I've still gotta take care of me regardless of whether or not we talked. And if pretending works, so be it. I'm really sad though. Things were pretty normal when we weren't talking then when you all of a sudden pop back into my life it's like a giant earthquake and everything is different. It's not fun. Eventually I'll be able to tell you the reasons why I don't think things between us will ever be different but I guess it just wasn't tonight (unfortunately). Idk why I'm crying. Idk if it's because I couldn't do anything to help you or if it's because all of a sudden you reappear in my life and this giant wave if misery and unhappiness overcomes me. I wish I could've talked to you, but I should be used to things not going my way. Oh well. I'll continue to be sad until I fall asleep. I really hope I wake up with my period. I really really hope.

Oh my god. I was so ready to say what I wanted to say... and no answer. On the other hand, I forgot how fun this was. But it's no match for how I really feel. Sigh sigh. I guess I'll just continue with my misbehaviors until I fall asleep. Tomorrow, I'm telling you. Regardless of whether or not you answer your phone.

Dear You,
You're probably never gonna see and and I'll probably never gonna have the guts to tell you this but it really makes me sad that you might not graduate on time, a year later. You have so much more potential than you're actually exercising. The guy I know is smart under all his goofiness. Your priorities are all out of whack though.. It seems like having fun is above getting your work done. You have to get your shit together. I wish I could sit you down and tell you how much it's upsetting me that you're not getting things done. I don't understand why you didn't do the work your teachers got for you to make sure you had the tools to graduate. You had these people holding their hands out to you to make sure you graduated and you just disregarded it. You don't realize how badly you're hurting yourself. You have so much potential and you're wasting it. I just wanna slap you and tell you to wake up. You're grown up now and you have to start taking responsibility for things. If you can't seem to focus now I'm scared for you when you go to college. You'll have the freedom to go to class or not. You're not gonna have teachers there to tell you "Hey, make sure this gets turned in." or to hound you. Professors probably won't even know your name much less care about if you pass or not. It's all up to you to make sure you get the grades to graduate college and make sure you're on top of your shit. You have to be self motivated to some extent and from my point of view, you're not. It's all play not work. I get school isn't the funnest place to be but it's gonna get you to the places you wanna be in life. I can't imagine not seeing you succeed. I don't want you to realize this when you're 30 thinking "Damn, I wish I had my shit together." I want you to wake up now and realize that it's up to YOU to want to succeed in life. You can have so many people telling you to get your shit together but it's up to YOU to do it. YOU have to get the work done and remind yourself that you're going to school for a reason. College is going to open up so many doors for you. You're already delayed a year, I wouldn't be able to watch you get delayed again.. It really breaks my heart to see you on his downward spiral with school. Please, WAKE UP. I can't constantly be the person to bug you to stay focused because that is forsure annoying for you. But I want to do that EVERY morning. I wanna text you like "Hey. Goodmorning. Have a good day. Remember to stay on top of your shit. Please." I really wanna say PLEASE because it's like.. I wanna see you achieve to your highest potential. It's so much better than what you're doing right now. I know you're fucken smart. You just need to stop being lazy and apply yourself. I get school work isn't fun most of the time. But do you think I like reading 5 chapters a night to study for AP exams? Or annotate stupid poems? Or dissect and analyze things? Or millions of math problems a night? Or read 60 pages of my psych book to study? I DON'T. But I do it because I know it'll benefit me in the future. You have to want to well. Everyone around you can want it for you but it's really up to you to want and execute it. I don't know what to do to make you wanna work harder for yourself. I'm not good with words or trying to make you feel better, we both know that. But please.. Please realize that you're hurting yourself so bad. You're not doing anything to help yourself. It may be all partying and getting drunk and having fun now but think about the future.. Think about how that's NOT gonna help you in 10 years. It's hard to find a balance between work and play but sometimes you need to sacrifice play for work. "Work hard to play harder." FOCUS, PLEASE.. It's killing me because I hate how I don't know how to get through to you. I want you to graduate so badly. I wanna see you succeed so badly. It's so disappointing to see you not perform at your best. I've always been here for you whenever you need help. If you need anything to help you graduate or something, anything, just let me know. I'm here for you. I just wanna see you succeed.

Love,
Rikki

You can call me selfish, jealous, bitchy, possessive. You can call me whatever you like. But when it really comes down to it, you know I’m the one that stayed. At least I was, at one point.









I WISH THIS PHONE CALL WAS SO MUCH EASIER TO MAKE THAN IT'S GONNA BE...

Today started off pretty good. For not having touched our presentation for more than 15 minutes in three days our group winged that shit pretty good. =) I'm happy about that. Second period was typical, final prep. Did the Frontline questions for 3rd, practice lab for 4th. Read stories in 5th. Presentation in 6th. Lesson in 7th. It was a pretty slow Monday as usual. Saw my little love! He wasn't wearing shoes today. His feet are so cute and fat. I can't wait until it's warm enough to bring him into the pool. Apparently he loves water. I haven't seen my Bffl in like a month. That's so sad.. At least summer is coming. I get my debit card on June 7 (HELLO KITTY CARD OF COURSE!) and my Mom is transferring my $350 from my "untouchable" bank account to my debit card account. I'll be so happy I get all that money! RIGHT BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND CELEBRATION. I'm looking forward to that. =) Plus I'll have money from my birthday so I'll have a lot. It'll be the perfect way to start off summer/celebrate my birthday. I wanna go to Sf forsure but that's still like a month away.. =\ June 12th, why are you so far away?! I'm supposed to get my period tomorrow.. I don't have ANY symptoms of getting it. I just hope I wake up and I got it while I was asleep or I'm gonna be hella scared. Ugh. The thing is, I WAS BEING SAFE. I just didn't know you were supposed to wait. Ugh ugh ugh. Whatevver. I'm just hoping it comes.

I'm really happy for my Bffl. =) She finally has the strength to move on from this nigga that's been fucken with her for way too long. She has someone who is interested in her and seems pretty genuine about it and she feels the same way. I can honestly say I'm really, really happy for her. She's so happy and I couldn't have asked for anything better to happen to her right now. She's a special girl and deserves someone good. Who knows where her and this guy are gonna go, but it's so refreshing to see her happy about someone.

^I wish I could feel the same way about someone.. *Sigh. But none the less, I happy for her. =)

I'm jealous.. >=( I want someone that'll take me cutsey places and do romantic cute things for me! Someone that takes an interest in me and stuff. Everyone else has that/is getting that and it's like, for over a year I've just been some sideline typa thing where I never really got anyone's full attention.. I've never been taken out on a date. I've never had that period where someone is trying to really "get me." Not like get at me, but get me more and more interested in them. It's always been the same stagnant, expectable thing for so long. I want someone to surprise me with stuff. Not really material stuff but like, even a cute text message or e-mail or card or something. I always try to do that for my bfs or the guy I'm talking to and no one's ever done that for me. I've never been given flowers, or balloons, or a card, or a birthday present, none of that. I wish I had someone to be comfortable with and have fun with. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and know the person I have feelings for feels the same way. -_- I'm sick of stupidass games. I actually want a boyfriend. Or something.. I guess? Or at least be talking to someone who has feelings for me, even if it ultimately doesn't go anywere. Someone that will actually hug me in public... Ugh. I'm just, bwaah.. Idk. I guess I'll lay down now.

I should've just stuck with my gut and told you "no" like I wanted to. I'm beyond irritated and fed up. Nothing is ever gonna be different. There's no new you, nothing is brand new. You are a damn good convincer though. For a second, I actually thought you were gonn do something different and try to save what we had. Silly me..

I'm supposed to get my period in two days. My legs are getting that heavy feeling like they normally due (omg, I reread my post and put "due" instead of "do". I put "due" as in "due date". OMG. -_-) and my tummy feels kinda funny. I think it just may come! I'm crossing my fingers! I should be working on my Emily Dickinson project...but I'm not. Fox has Animation Domination on tonight so I probably won't get much done. I'll end up copying Roan tomorrow. Thanks buddy. x__x I finished a can of Arizona today and I peed like crazy. I'm exhausted and idk why since I was in bed for basically the whole day. I just finished cooking Fatty his dinner. He's back home, and so it the yelling and screaming and arguing.. Eugh.. Roan asked me about the relationship I have with my Mom and it hella caught me off guard cos no one ever asks me about that kinda stuff. He geniunely wanted to know. It's nice that someone wants to know about that kinda stuff and I don't have to bug someone to listen to me. My legs hurt so bad and I need to get up to pee.. Fuck. As mad as I am that my legs hurt, I'm really really REALLY happy this could mean my period is coming. If it does come, I'm celebrating by getting myself frozen yogurt (since ice cream = milk = gross on my period).

Today was pretty boring. I woke up hella early and just laid in bed for like, five hours. I finally got up and showered cos I was bored of out of mind. I got ready as if I was going somewhere just so I had something to do. Finally Mums and I got chinese food in Sunnyvale, it was no bueno. I can't seem to find a half decent chinese food place out here. Went to visit Mama and Papa but Papa was asleep. -_- Went to CVS and got fortune cookies and a card. Now I'm home and I finished the three episodes to Say Yes to the Dress I didn't watch. I should work on the Emily Dickinson thing since we present tomorrow and I'll probably look just as dumb as I did with that transendentalism shit. I asked Justin what was up with us working together on it and he was a stupid fucker as usual. I'm on the phone with Roan bitching and complaining and talking about stupid stuff. Haha. We've been on the phone for like, an hour and a half. He listened to me bitch for an hour and a half. LOL. I feel so bad. I said "If I were a girl." LOL.

I didn't notice that I fell asleep and I napped for like 4 hours. No bueno. =( Now I'm up, hella bored. Happy 20th birthday Ronnie! Known your clownass for four long year, can't believe it. It doesn't even seem that long. But anywhoo, now I'm up with nothing to do. I've watched all my shows on on-demand and I'm wideass awake. Smh.

We're been "working this out" for like, two hours and I'm already sick of it.

If you wanna keep with these bad habits thats fine. You think I'm with it then you out ya rabbit ass mind.

Ain't Thinkin About You - Tyga ft Chris Brown

It's gotten like, 40 somethin plays in just the past 5 days. Haha. I passed drivers ed though! My certificate should arrive by my birthday. I'm so happy! ^_^ I should have my ls by Feb of next year.. Which is still hella for but you have to do that dumbass 6 month waiting period, smh. But my Mom said I'll get the car in Feb forsure! I'm so excited.

Last night was fun fun fun! I don't even remember what time I got home but all I know is I was up before 8:00am. Whenever I get home hella late I always wake up hella early too. Went to eat breakfast with Moms today, went to Papa and Mama's house and hung out for a bit, went to Target, then now I'm home. I think I'll clean my room and see whsup for tonight. I should work on the english and socio project a little bit tomorrow. Speaking of tomorrow...it's Ronnie's birthday! =) I've known him for 4 years, such a trip. He was 16 when we met, lol. I really wanna go up to the city tomorrow and see him on his real birthday but he has work till 4:00pm. I'll probably go next weekend since it's a week after his and a week before mine. I'm kinda tired right now.. I might take a nap since I don't even know how many hours of sleep I got. Right now I'm just hella mad, thanks dude. Just leave me alone. Where is Roan?! I need someone to vent to.

This week went by so fast. It's gonna rain all next week, which is annoying because it's almost June. Didn't do much today, missed the last two period cos I had therapy. Did my spanish presentation though! Our dragons were bomb. I got glitter and feathers all over me though. Went to Sweet Tomatoes with my Mumms before my appointment. For some reason I hella hella sad and cried hella. It was the crying where I couldn't talk. But anyways.. I'm doing my drivers ed thing online that Alison told me to do. I should have it done by Sunday since I have to drop off Fatty in San Mateo then I'm ouut. I'm too juiced for summer! Ahh!! I hope it doesn't rain over most of summer though. I got hella stuff on Pacsun for less than $100 but I didn't know wtf the card issuer number was so I couldn't order it. Boohoo. =( Awe.. Gotta cut this blog short since it's time to drop my Fatty off. I hate when he leaves!!

Today was pretty chill. I liked, although nothing in particular happened. I lost the rubber backing to my gauge though, ugh. Haha. I need to buy a new pair of plugs. I'm off to Burger King. I don't like fast food but it's our "grandparent bonding time." I had the best sleep last night. I don't know why. I woke up feelin arrite too. Had my head up most of thee day. Except in chem. I bombed that quiz but no surprise there, lol. My booboo is itching so bad! I think it's healing. The bruise on my calf got better nut the bruise on my arm has gotten worse. I got to see my Miggsy today too! I love him oh so much. ^_^ We danced, walked around in our sockies, and had lots of fun. SAT scores came out today. For my first try, 18something. So proud of myself! But of course to Mom, it wasn't good enough. Papa was proud of me though. We graduate May 26 next year. That's hella early! They said if not the 26th, then the third of June. Either way I won't be 17. Haha. It's always hella sweet to see a Dad take their kids out somewhere. I can't believe it's already Thursday. O_O This week went by hella fast. Got my Spanish presentation with Kristina tomorrow. I'm gonna get this hella cutsey HK case from Apple.com. It's hella expensive, $45 total, but it's HELLA cute! I showed Kumar and he laughed at me; I was hella happy I found it. Haha. I think I'm gonna sleep at Mama and Papa's this weekend cos Tito will be home. It's time for Maury and a nap.

I'll be honest, that letter to God got a lot off my chest. I know it's only temporary I'll be at rest, but I'm gonna take advantage of this momentary calmness and try to get some sleep. I need it.

Hey God, can you hear me?

Hey God,
I know I'm not the best person in the world but I really don't ask for much. I pray every day of my life before I go to bed and I always end my prayers with "And please let everything get better." Things have only gotten worse. I've always felt like I don't fit in anywhere. And right now, I'm feelin that really bad. I feel really alone. I feel like I've lost everybody. I feel like I've lost my friends, I've lost my family, I've lost Nick - I feel abandoned, not good enough. I honestly believe in my heart that I'm a good person. I know I make bad decisions and mistakes but I don't think I deserved a life like that. Maybe someone stronger than I am would be able to handle all of this, but I really can't. I just want to give up. I wanna throw in the towel and be like "Life, you win. I don't wanna fight anymore." I struggle everyday to get myself to believe that things in my life will get better, but they don't. Why would you give me a family that treated me like I'm a selfish, no good kid who doesn't care about anyone else but herself? Why would you give me friends that don't include me in anything? Why would you separate my bestfriends and I? Why would you give me depression? Why would you give me someone who I ended up loving more than anything in the world, only for him to mistreat me for over a year of my life, and make it almost impossible for me to leave? Why would you make every day feel like the world is racing a million miles a minute around me but I'm moving in slow motion? Why doesn't anyone understand? I just want someone who'll listen, who'll be there for me. I forgot what that feels like. Or I've never known what that feels like. Right now, you just dealt me the biggest blow to the heart. I knew it was coming, but I was hoping it didn't have to end like that. But it is what it is, huh? I'm praying really hard right now that you'll listen and give me the strength to make it. "If you're going through Hell, keep going." I'm really trying but I feel like there's no more strength left in me. You're the only person that really knows what's going on in my life. I don't tell anyone anything anymore. I don't wanna bother them with the inconveniences in my life; they're all too happy. I try to tell myself everything will be okay but I've lost faith. I don't know what I did to deserve to feel so miserable. I know I can make it through all this, but I just need the strength to believe that. I don't believe I can make it, but I know I can. If that even makes any sense.. I guess all I'm asking for is for you to give me some sort of sign that you're there for me. You're all I've got left and I'm begging you to help me out. I've never resorted to actually talking to you before but this is my last resort. Just please help me get through to the other side, even if I come out alone still. At least I'd have a newfound belief in myself. I know I'm strong, just please give me the strength to do this. Please.. I have no one else to turn to. Please let something, anything happen.. Let something good happen, or just shoot me dead because I really can't handle this anymore.. And I don't have a reason to handle it anymore.. Amen. <3

Love,
Rikk

There are about 10 zillion terrible things going on in my life and I honestly feel like I'm drowning. Yet again, I'm left all alone to deal with all these problems. Why does it seem like everyone else has it a hundred times easier than I do? I really don't wanna go to school tomorrow, but I don't wanna miss anymore school, plus I know staying home will just result in me crying all day feeling bad about myself or doing something even stupider. I've handled everything else in my life by myself, what makes this any different? I just have to stay strong enough to make it through. But I'm not sure how possible that is anymore.

A hug would be greatly appreciated right now..

Today was coo. Until it started raining?! Last night said nothing about it raining, then in the middle of 6th it starts raining. Mrs. Hewitt was gonna send me home because my romper was "too short." I actually persuaded her to let me stay in class. I love this romper! It's cute and comfy. ^_^ Except when I sit you can kinda see my fat tummy cos the elastic sits above my tummy. Cameron gave me a ride home. Didn't have to walk in the rain! I had to explain to Don the difference between mono and menopause. LOL. Miggsy is asleep so I have nothing to do. California Gurls by Katy Perry hella gets me excited for summer. I hope it's as good as I plan it to be. ;) Only 17 more days of school left. I can't check out now though. >.< I still have hella final projects to do though. I need to pee but that means I have tontie my romper and that's too much.. I've been an arrite mood lately. I hope it stays! Everyone was grossed out by my booboo since my knees were showing. They kept asking me how I got it and I was like "Burnt my knee with a pot." LOL. I think me and Bridget are gonna make a trip up to the city this weekend, or next. I'm esscited! It's been forever since I've kicked it with her and Ronnie, plus who doesn't like a free movie?!

Walking around in your undies is one of the best feelings in the world. Goodnight!

Got a ride home from Lala on this lovely Tuesday afternoon. The weather wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. I wore two sweaters though so I was a bit hot. Gave Maxypoo my iPhone case since I'm getting a new one and I have a silicone case to use till then. I am a sweetheart! ^_^ Haha. His Tweet says so too. Most of my classes were pretty slow today. Did pretty well on my titration again! My stomach feels weird but idk if I'm bloated or hungry. I hope I get my period.. >.< It's supposed to be here either this week or around my birthday. Since I'd have to wait a whole month, ugggh. On the upside, the weather has been nice today! My bandage come off under my jeans though and my booboo has been rubbing against my jeans. My Mom has tumors on her uterus and around get pelvis so she has to get them removed or even get her ovaries removed. Mama had to get a hysterectomy too so chances are I'll have to get one when I'm older too. =\ So that means I have to have as many kids as I can before I'm like, 32! That's so depressing.. Anyways, I need to pee and I'm hungry.

I love laughing to the point where you don't even make any sound anymore and you damn near pee yourself. Best kind of laughs ever! And I just had one. :D (My very happy/excited face)

Managed to shave my legs around the giant booboo on my knee. I also managed to lose my white plugs. =( I need to get new ones cos I don't like the curved ones. And white went with everything. Idk if I'm going to the mall anytime soon and when I do they never have 10s, especially in any decent color. The one at Valleyfair does more than Great Mall. Ugh. I guess these curved bells will just have to do. Justin is being the best and sending me the questions since I forgot my book. After I do the questions, I'll do my nails and veg. Not a lot of homework. I'll just do math tomorrow in class.

And I uncovered two more bruises on my legs! Smh, lol.

I knocked out soo early last night, until I woke up from being scared, but then I did end up falling back asleep. I haven't slept that good in soo long. English was slow, it was lonely without Justin! Second was boring too since we were in the lab doing research for our final. In third we did discussion questions for Monsoon Wedding. Such a good movie! "Id-jut!" Lmao. Fourth.. We did another practice lab. WHO GOT THE BEST TITRATION IN THE GROUP? WHO DID? I DID! I was so proud of myself! We did another presentation in fifth. Sat with Nick, Peter, Kumar, Matteo, and Kevin. I did everyone's projects, again. They gave me shit for unknowingly cattin on them to smoke out. Did nothing in sixth. Did another lesson in 7th. Pretty typical day. It was cold as fuck though. Thankfully it was the last rainy day this week. I had In-N-Out for dinner. Eughh.. I hate fast food like that now. I'm coo with chinese food or KFC but burgers are just such a put off now. Now I am home. Don't have too much homework for tonight. Went to Kuya's house afterschool and hung out with the love of my life! He just makes me so happy. He's starting to be a little nicer to me again. I fed him and we watched Blues Clues. Then we played ball in the garage. He makes me heart melt when he smiles. I want a baby! Haha. Just math and english. Roan needs to send me the questions cos I forgot my book at school. I need to shower too. Gotta wake up thuuper early to straighten my hair. I still can't get over Brandy got engaged to Shakir at prom! That's waay too early to be getting in engaged. That's just.. I'm happy for her and stuff but he just barely turned 18 AND they've only been going out for two months. But I wish them the best. Other than feeling hella fat, I'm coo. I'm still happy about my titration. =) I know that's kinda gay and I only did one trial, but I did so well. Even Kenny and Matteo were happy for me cos they know how much I struggle in chem. I'm really tired and lazy. Bwaah. Let me shower.

I just had a scaryass dream. It was like horror slasher zombie movie scary. I've never had one before and I can't fall back asleep. Call me a pussy but I want someone to keep me company right now!

I'll try for what it's worth just remember who played who first.

It's so fucken hot in my room. I have no idea why cos it's cold as fuck outside. Only one more example to go! Then I'm getting strawberries, chocolate covered of course, with some whipped cream and I'm gonna chill for a bit. I sherruhsly need a massage. My legs and thighs hurt. Not to mention my back. See.. It's weird when a random person gives you a massage. I'm not gonna go pay hella money to lay on a bed and take off my clothes while some random person rubs my body. Oh no way. First of all, massages are meant to turn people on whether or not that's the intention. I mean come on.. Hands rubbing all the right places and shit. Anywhooo! If I didn't end up outside my blankets somehow, I'd sleep naked. But I'm scared, haha. I might end up on the other side of the bed and my Mom walks in cos I overslept and I'm all nakey in my bed. I'll just sleep in undies tonight. So lonely over here! I'm gonna be in my underwear, with chocolate covered strawberries, feenin for a massage, alone.... What's wrong with that picture? I don't even have anyone to talk to. Tear. ;( Hahah. Man, even Justin isn't answering me and I need homework help!

Single - Lil Wayne

Cuddle song, =) Even though it's about cheating the feeling of the song is a cuddle song. We can just not listen to the words. Hah.

See, when I get the strength to leave you, you always tell me that ya need me and I'm weak cos I believe you and I'm mad because I love you so I stop and think that maybe you could learn to 'ppreciate me, and it all remains the same that you ain't never gonna change.

Yeah, so my Mom made my mood 100x worse. Thankfully I have finished one whole theme for homework. My back is killing me. I need to clean off my desk so I can put my computer there again. I wish it wasn't raining tomorrow so I can wear my romper! I can't wear pants until this damn thing on my knee heals. It's starting to scab, but when I bent my knee to get something on the floor, it ripped open and bled. Now it's an open wound again. Smh. Think that's God's way of telling me to stoppit, lawl.

It don't take a lot to understand you need yaself another man.

Sigh sigh.. I'm lookin real rough right now. I'm in boxers and a beater and my hair is a mess. I've been working on homework all day, took a nap, then went back to doing homework. My room is still messy. Hella shit on the floor and my desk. At least I did my laundry and put like, 99% of it. I really wish he'd come see me today.. =( All of a sudden I hella miss him. Right now I just wanna put my feelings aside and just cuddle up with him on my bed or somethin. I could really use a nice big hug right now. Just for right now I'm willing to pretend like how frustrated and fed up and annoyed I am doesn't even exist. I'm in a poopy mood. It's not even that I'm mad or sad. I'm just like, aloof and shit. I feel like, hallow. I keep eating too!! Maybe I'm trying to fill myself with food, haha.. Anywhoo.. I know he won't come through but if I could have my way. But that's probably not condusive to what I'm trying to do, lol. I did some english homework. Kinda.. I really just wanna hug right now. Welp, not gonna happen and I'll get out of this mood eventually. Back to homework I suppose.

This put me in a 10x better mood.

hellorheeak (5:02:39 PM): What time does the sun set tonight?
conniewasnothere (5:02:42 PM): idk
conniewasnothere (5:02:43 PM): let me check
conniewasnothere (5:02:57 PM): why wanna get all romantic with fagboy?

This is the most bullshit enlish assignment ever assigned If I had a better grade, I'd honestly not do it. But I need every point I can get, lmao.

We Got Hood Love - Mary J Blige ft Trey Songz

[Trey Songz]

Somtimes I don’t get a chance to really to tell you
But I promise you my love i'll never fail you
Don’t you get it?
Right now we’re writing history
A thousand years from now they'll talk about you & me
And I know somtimes I go hard for no reason at all
Put your soul through the business and touch the weight of your heart
But when you’re backs on the wall there’s a shortage of friends
You know that I’m with you till the end

[Chorus]

Cause we got hood love, I be cussing I be screaming
Like its over
Then im lonely then im feening just to hold ya
And thats how we do
You know that hood love is the good love
Thats me & you
How feel love?
Well im with ya never quit ya &
Now thats real love
When your not here then I miss ya cuz
I still love the way we do
You know that hood love is the good love
Ya thats me & you

[Mary J. Blige]

Sometimes I think about leaving you
But wen I think about what we've been through
I get a feeling like it could be worse
Cuz ive given u my best and I dont mind it
Thats fine
Cause wen you loving somebody hard then you'll love that way for life
You got all of my heart and i'll never leave ya side
I gave my words to love ya the way to the end
So no matter what i'll be right here
I'll be right here with you

[Chorus]

Cause we got hood love, I be cussing I be screaming
Like its over
Then im loving then im feening just to hold ya
And thats how we do
You know that hood love is the good love
Thats me & you
How feel love?
Well im with ya never quit ya &
Now thats real love
When your not here then I miss ya cuz
I still love the way that we do
You know that hood love is the good love
Ya thats me & you

[Trey Songz]

Now i'll play tough but not for too long
You are somone I depend on
No matter how I act sometimes I can never walk away
Thought about it plenty times but no can take ya place

[Mary J blige]

Ooooh and there aint no you, then there aint no me
And if there aint no us then i'd rather be by myself
Cuz noone else can understand my needs and be able treat me like I need

[Chorus]
Cause we got hood love, cause I be cussing I be screaming
Like its over
Then im loving then im feening just to hold ya
And thats how we do
You know that hood love is the good love
Thats me & you
How feel love?
Well im with ya never quit ya &
Now thats real love
When your not here then I miss ya cuz
I still love the way we do
You know that hood love is the good love
Ya thats me & you

You make me codependent.

Codependency or Codependence is a tendency to behave in ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. This behavior may be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, compliance, and/or control patterns.

Patterns and Characteristics
Codependents Anonymous offers these patterns and characteristics as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.

Denial Patterns:

I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:

I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:

I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:

I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

FUCK. Fine, I WON'T bother tryna put my suspicions, my anger, and irritation, and the fact I'm fed up ASIDE to spend time with you and actually have a good time. I actually want to see you and I'm tryinng to make up for all the times I've done nothing but bitch and be mad so maybe we could have a good time together, but I guess fucken not. What the fuck ever.

=)

I wish there was an off switch to how much I love you. It'd make this whole "getting over you" bullshit way easier. But oh well..

I'm fed up and tired of this whole being "in love" bullshit. I don't want it. I don't wanna love you anymore. I wish there was an off switch to how I feel. It'd make things so much easier.

Herra late but.. But view from the top of the ferris wheel. PHHS does have it's perks; we get carnivals!

Lawl, Ninang Vanessa's decorating business did the design and set and service up for Mt. Eden's prom. Thanks for telling me, Ninang! I could've been there for free!

It's In The Morning - Robin Thicke ft. Snoop Dogg

Yum.. ;) Robin Thicke sure knows how to make songs to love to! "I got the hottest hottie, you got the hottest body."

I am really very tired. =( The booboo on my knee is on its way to getting infected. I had to wash it and it stung like a bitch. Wash it with SOAP! Oh god it was painful. Then I put ointment on it, hopefully it'll get better. There's still laundry all over my bed that I need to put away. *Yawn. I have hella homework to do though, ughh. Procrastination is bad bad bad.. Okay, back to watching Lockup Raw: Gang Wars!

Fuck yeah, did my laundry and lightweight kinda cleaned up my room. I feel accomplished. We bought hella good food at Trader Joe's and I can't wait till I'm hungry again so I can eat! I swear, I am GOING to start eating better cos I watched True Life: I Want A Better Body 2 and the girl was in good shape but then she get in shape and exercised and eat right for a few months then bam, the bitch was bangin. Hahaha. I don't want to lose weight though, and my boobs shrink even more. LOL. I really need to buy new underwear though. I cannot find hella of them. -_-

But this was funny...
Me: I can't find any of my underwear and it's hella annoying.
Bridget: Stop staring at guys like that then, then maybe you'll-
*At the same time
Me: I'll stop creamin my panties?
Bridget: Stop creamin your panties.

Oh SJSU boys. You will be the demise of my panty supply. =)

I'm home, watching Ruby on-demand. I have a headache though. No bueno. I have a bruise on my left knee now. Lmfao...

Apparently Nick called me last night, and I do not remember talking to him. O__O I checked my phone when I woke up last night my call log was open and apparently I talked to him at 9:35PM. I don't remember!! Woke up, didn't end up having to volunteer, made myself breakfast. My Mom woke up hellla late. We went to the mall and I got jeans, a shirt, a skirt, and a romper/jumper thing. I saw it in the window and I had to have it! I ran in and I looked all around and only saw one, and it was in my size! Yay! I wish I had bought sandals since it's almost summer. Only three weeks left of school. It's seriously crunch time.. I have a bunch of assignments now that AP testing is over, finals, ugh. It's gonna be a stressful last three weeks but it's one step closer to summer and graduating! I seriously fucken need to clean my room and do laundry though. It's nasty in here. Lmao. I have hella homework to do though. It's all writing and reading. =( So time consuming, ugh. Anyways.. Just got home so I'm gonna rest a bit, do some homework and cleaning, then go out. My allergies are killin my though! My fucken knee is gross, lol. I bled through a band-aid in my sleep and it hurt like a bitch taking it off to change it. Haha. I'm looking at Mt. Eden's prom pictures, everyone looks hella nice. =( I love the color of everyone's dresses and the guy's tuxs. It makes me hella mad cos I had 4 days to get everything together and I didn't get anything I liked/wanted. I hated the color of my dress and my hair and my shoes and UGH! I'm still mad! HAHHA. Okay, I need to stop complaining. I have another prom to go.

Fuck. I'm so annoyed I actually walked all the way to another apartment building hella far from mine and smoked a cigarette. -___- And not to mention, my knee is fucken stinging. Today was no fucken bueno. I walked hella far just to fucken stoge. All out of anger and annoyence. Ughh!!

Don't know whether I wanna be mad or sad. I think I'll choose mad.

So it went just like how I anticipated. We barely spoke, I was annoyed, we had sex, he took money, and within 30 seconds he dipped. Is that anything new though? He butters me up, gets what he wants, then leaves. Seriously, I'm putting my fucken pants on WHILE he's turning on the engine. Seriously, what's new? I'm here when he wants something. It apparently was my fault that we didn't start talking until the very end. Wtf do you expect? First of all, two weeks ago you made it VERY clear to me that you had no intention of this relationship going anywhere, so why do you bother tryna kick it? Because you waaant something. And I'm dumb and I give in. It's not that I don't want to do things for you and give you things, but that's what I wanna do. What I wanna do and what the right thing is to do is completely different. Wtf am I to you that you can come in and out of my life and treat me the way you do and still get whatever the fuck you want? This rollercoaster situation we got here just isn't working for me. It must be great for you, but it most definitely doesn't work for me. For me, when I'm with you, everything is momentary. I don't invest my emotions in it; I don't think the time we spend together means anything in the future or for the future. Nothing will ever come of it. We hang out, we hook up, you get whatever you want from me, we argue, you leave, then the whole thing repeats. If you know I'm so unhappy and you see an obvious distance then do something about it if you really cared. But you don't. You'll "try" but that isn't much. I keep my guard up around you because you are so inconsistent. I'm not gonna love you then you disappear for days on end doing God knows what with who, then you come around again a few weeks later (when you need something of course) then I wanna make the best of the time we're spending so I love you like nothing is bothering me, then it's like.. whatever. It's the same stupidass repetative cycle. Why the hell did you ask me "Was it not good?" DOES THAT MATTER? NOT REALLY. I would've much rather spent 30 minutes talking to you than doing that. But you don't wanna sit in the parking lot like an idiot talking. You'd much rather sit in a parking lot doing that. I fucken guess. Idk if I'm more mad, annoyed, or fed up right now. Fuck. I don't even care. Why should I when you don't? I'm around when you want me to be, when you need something, when it's convenient for you. I know it and you just don't wanna admit it because you don't wanna lose someone who'll give you whatever you when you want. FUCK. I'm so over this. I'm dumb and now I'm just in a badass mood and my night is pretty much gone.

What REALLY got me was when I go "You butter me up." and he says "Well yeah how else would I get the money? It's not like you would give it to me." SEE, ALL THAT MATTERS TO YOU IS MONEY. MY money. Don't give a fuck about anything else that has to do with me other than my fucken money. Whatever. WHATEVER. I'm a dumbass. Whatever..

Ugggghh, gonna kick it with the boy. I'm anticipating lots of fighting, bwaah.. Well we'll see.

God whispers: I don't exempt my children from making mistakes. If I did, then I'd be exempting them from receiving higher wisdom, profound growth and great success. For all these wonderful gifts come through making mistakes. Don't stop trying, I'll share your victories and I'll share your failures. We're in this together.

My beautiful baby sister, Avery Roche.

She looks dead on like my Mom. Especially like when my Mom was a kid. I wish I had her around. I've always wanted a baby sister. I wish I could hug her and just smother her with all the sisterly love I have for her, regardless of the fact I have never even met her.

My bruh bruh! Haha. Look how freakin tall I look. Or should I say tall-er.

Hello Kitty stationary set for $8.50! I want.

Yet another hoodie and socks with slippers day. Didn't do much in any of my classes. Watched Monsoon Wedding in psych! Such a good movie. Too bad I can't see the subtitles cos of this stupid tall guy in front of me. Mac taught us the titrating calculations, read a story in spanish, nadada in APUSH, 'nun in math. Pretty slow day. I hope tomorrow goes by alright. Have my spanish presentation thing due tomorrow with Kristina though. I gotta translate all that shit tonight and print out 30 templates. Wtf, so much ink and I don't have time to go to Kinkos. Papa has orchids and gladious on the window sill of the house. My favorite flowers! He wouldn't let me take a plant home, lol. Didn't get invited to smoke today because apparently I'm a flake. Am not. Kumar said we weren't gonna go anymore! Smh. Contemplating whether or not to take 4AP. I went from 4 AP classes to two. I'm probably not gonna though, we'll see. Do college credit exemptions work for community colleges too? That's what I wanna know. Today was pretty boring. Nothing really happened. I think I'm gonna make hot chocolate and bring it to school tomorrow! I pulled my charger out of my phone on accident last night and it didn't charge so I had 35% the whole day. O__O I made it through though. Even with texting +Twitter. I opened Mymy's planner today and the first thing I saw was Thaison's message to her. It was something like thanks for being a tough cookie and telling me I need to treat you better. You deserve the best. I love you. Crumbles, Thaison Pham. HAHA. So fucken cute!! I am so jealous. They're not even together. Too adorable. I tell her I hate her all the time. Haha. Then in the May 31 box of her planner it said "Have sex with Thaison alllll day." Me and Kristina were hella laughing. They're so adorable. Caught up with Tiffany sorta. I miss her. Have another study guide for Dolci due tomorrow. It's twice as long as the one that was due today. I hate chuu mister Dolci. I'm not even home yet, ugh. And I need to finish the one due today and submit it before 4pm. Anywhoo, I guess I'll go watch cartoons with my brother and my baby! I gave him a bath today. And he smells lovely.

Why did I answer?

I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb.I'm dumb.I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb.I'm dumb.I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb.I'm dumb.I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb.I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb.I'm dumb.I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb.I'm dumb.I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb.I'm dumb.I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb.I'm dumb.I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb.I'm dumb.I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb.I'm dumb.I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb.I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb.I'm dumb.I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb.I'm dumb.I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb.I'm dumb. I wanna slap myself! Haha.

I'm not freaking out as much as I probably should be. We'll just have to wait and see...

You know what.. Maybe I am selfish. But you would be too if you had to live here. We are two different people and it made me so fucken mad that you even had the nerve to speak on the way my family treats me. You don't know the fucken half. You don't sit on the phone with me when I'm upset. You're not there for me when I needed you the most when shit was rough with my family. The only shit you know is stuff you read off my blog so when you said "I understand why your family treats you the way they do" I seriously wanted to punch you square in your fucken face. You do NOT speak on shit you know nothing about. I internalize everything and that's because of the way I was brought up. We come from type different families. Your family raised you completely different than mine. Our families work comepletely different. You don't even know what I feel so for you to speak on my family dynamics when you are NEVER there for me when I need someone to just let me vent, you have absolutely no right to be sayin shit. Fine, call me selfish. Go ahead and justify why you treat me the way you do. But do not even speak on my family like that. They ain't the best, but you don't know jack shit about us or the way they make me feel. Maybe if you were there for me you could say something but you were never there. You would tell me to basically suck it up. I'M NOT LIKE YOU. All I ever wanted was someone to listen to me and be there for me when shit wasn't right at home. You didn't even need to do anything but be on the phone with me, but you didn't do that. Did I complain? Nah. But before you go and say my family is RIGHT for mistreating me, better think twice cos you don't know 'nun. It's rare I defend my family for the way they treat not only me, but everyone else in the family, but you were never there to listen so you don't know anything.

Yeah yeah, my Mom is a freakin child. Throwing shit around in the kitchen because she's mad. If I'm mad, I can't throw shit around. Why the fuck should you? Cos you're the "adult?" Way to be mature, lady. Straight up. All the people in my life are throwin it in my face that they're "older than me." If you're so fucken old, ACT LIKE IT. Halllooo? That seems logical. I get people act immature sometimes but this is normal for her (them). Sheesh. I'm not even allowed to be mad. I don't think it's very fucken fair that you get to throw shit around, callin me names like "Princess", "lazyass", "selfish", "bi-polar", and say that you should die so I get all your money so your money can go to me so I get whatever the hell I want. Last time I checked that wasn't the case. I'm sick of this shit from everyone forreal. If you wanna act like you're so much fucken better than me and you know all this shit just cos you older, go ahead. But don't be actin hella stupid and shit. Grow up. Smh. Can't wait to get the fuck outta here.

Diary - Wale

If I told you I wanted to talk to you,
You think i'm try'na holla at you,
And maybe I am but,
You wouldn't hear me out anyway's would you? ,
Rather lose love than to move on never knowing what it feel like,
Short days, long nights,
By the phone, no call,
Need a clear mind 'cause I been blind,got me goin' down that road,
Heart made of stone,
Far away from home,
Black woman you cold,
Every problem you ever had with another man i gotta face,
Started off on thin ice,
im still here but i cant skate,
Slow sink, cant breath, no remorse, dont think,
Listen to your friend get another man for a minute then repeat,
Queen, you deserve the title but she reject what i give, while she nurse the wounds by them,
Tried them didnt work,
Diary of a black girl,

(chorus)
I wonder why i sit and cry,
Wish i could shed all these tears,
Im down and out,
Ill keep it moving and tryna get out,
I dont know how to move on,
Where i went wrong,
I wish i could live with no fear,
So down and out,
Ill keep it moving and tryna get out,
Somehow,

Raised by a momma who, who,
Hate her baby father so, so
She dont have a problem with, with,
Saying fuck a nigga Quick, quick,
Im just tryna be the one who never run, but you run away from me,
Girlfriends man cheat, cheat,
Why not me the same thing,
She cant see in me, what i see in her,
This pain she inherit cant be reversed,
I cant even stay living in the shade of all the motherfuckers who played you,
The irony in that is that i aint even that, but you coulda been these pages,
Wife, you deserve the label but, but, you been hurt before so you dont feel your able,
Tried them didnt work, got impossible standards, nothing that i ever do works,
Diary of a black girl,

(chorus)

See all i wanna do is be relevant,
Just tell me that i ever meant anything more,
That you could ever see me and you in another light,
But its like the dark women indoors in the darkest nights by the wrong man,
see all of them have made you incapable of a first impression,
what it do is i channel my aggression with no cable or antenna,
Just intentions to impress you if capable,
Hoping that the material possesions can materialise to a better you,
Cars, nothing i drive can drive you out of this state of mind,
For such an ugly picture and,
Money, nothing i buy can buy more time for your ears to tell your heart to listen to it,
Diamonds, a girls best frienf is what they say but believe me with the right allegience shorty you gonna shine anyways,
and everyday that goes by is a couple more lines in her diary,
the day before is better than the present,
so anyone presented in her presence is doing these life sentences,
theres no key for release,
no reason to be around,
her minds in the clouds,
she writes it all down,
in her diary,

(chorus)

I feel free without you. I admit it gets lonely, I wish I had you to talk to and joke around with, but I feel like I don't have the drama and arguing that came with the relationship we had. It kinda feels good. I wish I had you around still but the relationship we had before just wasn't working so I had to give it up. It wasn't going anywhere. I'm a damn good person, I have my immature moments and I know I have some realizing to do and I gotta work on me, but I honestly believe you brought out the worst in me. I thought we could be so good.. But we just weren't connecting emotionally and that constant unspoken battle with our emotions brought out the worst in me, even though I held back so much. It caused me to be childish, immature, etc. But I felt for most of it, I was justified and you weren't being even close to understanding my point of view. But that's coo. It's all behind us now. That chapter is over now I guess. I can't complain though. We had a good run. I just wish it could've worked out. Oh well. I think if we ever got the chance to give it another go, we have to want the same things. You have to be willing to be more open and understanding. Maybe sometime in the future we'll be able to work on it again, but it doesn't look like it's gonna be anytime soon. But that's okay too.

Today was pretty productive and chill. Sat with Roro during the test. Ate baby carrots and candy to keep us going! I felt so proud of myself. =) If I don't pass the psych test this year I'm gonna take it again next year since I know where I fell short and I can really come through the second time and get that college credit. I have a stupid Dolci study guide due tonight and I'm herra lazy.. Thankfully it's a short day tomorrow so I get to sleep in. Lightweight...ish, haha. Had therapy today. It went coo. She asked me what I'm looking forward to and I said my birthday and summer. Which was a complete 180 from my last appointment where I said I didn't care about my birthday and I was gonna be miserable all summer. Looks like birthday plans on my actual birthday are slightly looking up.. =) I hope! We'll see though! Idk, I'm really tired though. I need to finish this study guide then I'm gonna lay down and watch movies.

Successfully completed all my AP testing for he whole year. I was pretty confident in the test. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was. I only had a page left in the writing packet and the objective wasn't too bad. Just hella reading. -_- Other than that, I'm pretty happy with the way te day went.

"It’s like, dude, I really wanted this to work but you had to get your shit together first. And whats worse, I really wanted you to stay but I needed you to leave cause we was fightin everyday."

REVENGE IS SWEET, MR. KUANG. That's what you get for making me repeat a semester of geo in summer school, you bitch. >=) Hahha. Nah, he's pretty chill sometimes.

As crappy of grades you've given me Mr. Crowther, I really enjoyed your class. And sense of humor. You've taught me a hell of a lot. =) It's an honor to be your last 3AP class.

I was laying in bed, quite sad actually for idk what reason, then out of no where Austin Gatan IMs me. LOL. That made me laugh and I have no idea why. I haven't talked to him since heella long, since like middle school. We used to sit next to each other in choir. We're catching up. It's always hella nice to catch up with someone you used to be hella coo with after forevers. I told myself I'd get a snack before bed, and I find myself with a box of Crunch 'n Munch, a bag of mini Reeses Pieces, cheese, and pretzels. Wtf Rikki, wtf. Goodnight! English Lanuage and Composition AP test bright and early tomorrow. Bring it bitch, I am soo ready.

My Mom keeps bringing up how she has to call Gorio about my tat, but never actually does it. I don't wanna bug right now though cos she has to get her breaks fixed on the car and that costs as much as my fucken tat would, haha. I'm hoping to get both my tats +piercings before the summer ends. I'm thuuuper excited. I hope she let's me get the industrial too, but I'm scared of how much it'd hurt. And my hip too. O__O Haha. I'm gonna make Bffl hold my hand. I can't imagine it'd hurt any different than the tat I want on my ribs. It's gonna be a gun and coming out of the barrel is gonna say "human after all..." I like the idea that the gun symbolizes bad things and then coming out says that; it shows people make mistakes and that no one is perfect. I wanna dye my hair the red and brown I've been saying I was gonna do for what... since January? Since it's almost summer and summer permits free time, I wouldn't be trippen about not having money to pay for shit for school or "oh no I have this school thing to do." My weeks/weekends will be free! I will transform before the summer ends, oh I will. ^_^

Picked up our prom pictures today. We took a halfway decent picture! Haha. Go us. Cos I had a cheapass date who only wanted the cheapest ones, we didn't get wallet sizes so I have to go and make a zillion copies of those. Why would I want the big 5'7s and not wallets? Wth. Vickie and Max's are soo cute! There weren't any pictures from prom since no one brought a camera. And I forgot my memory card. I wish I had more than 4 days to get ready. I'm still complaining about it and it's damn near three weeks later, lol. Everyone's still buggin about that fucken picture Sheryne took of me all bent over and shit. Smh. Haha.. Would've been better if Ydeska told me earlier Tim wanted to go to our prom! Woulda had the finest date in there and he would've been mine mine mine. Did a practice titration lab for chem, and I got corosive chemicals all over my hand. Of course I would. Had my AP psych test today. The multiple choice was cake. Then... I got to the free response. I won't even talk about that. Went to Target, saw Mymy. Went to KFC. If you mix Sraratcha and the KFC hot sause... Omg, best hot sause concotion on the planet! The weeks are goin by hella slow, maybe just because I have nothing to really look forward to. I guess I'm just looking forward to summer, kickin it, nice weather (hopefully, but it looks like summer is gonna be a cold and rainy and shit!), fun fun fun. Just need to make it through these next 4 weeks of school. I feel like x____x, seriously. Couldn't be going by any slower. I suppose I'll post prom pic in a bit.

Have you ever been so fed up and irritated with someone that all you can do is laugh when you have any contact with them? Haha. I feel like that right now.

I don't put a lot of effort into my wardrobe or my look on a daily basis. I don't have hella money to go shopping for myself all the time. (I spend it on someone else! Haha. <3) But that's why I'm hella juiced for a job so I can go shopping for myself! I hella want to go to MAC and spluuuurge. I want make-up and a cussey outfit for my birthday. Which I get, is herra far, but it's something I'm looking forward too. I wanna eat at Kitaro in Sf hella bad. =( I don't ever remember having a memorable birthday or day where anyone treated me, so may as well treat myself. Lol.

I am NOT spending anymore money until June. I have hella things to buy in June and I can't afford to spend money on stupid shit. I spend $125 on Saturday and $68 today on SATs so yeah.. I've got $7 left to my name. I am gonna save all the money I get from working, my birthday, and bring the 4 jars full of coins I have to Coin Star to get cash. I am not going to spend any money until June. I have soo many things to pay for in June that I had to make a list... and boy is it long.

I swear.. The "Neighbors Knows My Name" video is like soft core porn. It's so sexy. It would turn anyone on, haha. When I first watched it, it wasn't even that it was hella sexy (which it is), I was just soaking in it in. LOL.. It's hella sexy. I literallyhad my mouth open just watching it. She has a hella nice bra and undie set. I need to invest in one. Mine are always mix matched. One good set is all I want. The girl in the video has a tat RIGHT where I was supposed to get mine. I keep saving up, then having to spend the money on other things so it's been takin me hella long. Same goes with my hip piercing. My Mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday, a Northface backpack or to have my hair straightened some new expensive way (why would I want that? Lol) and I just asked for money. I don't wanna celebrate it. We can go to dinner since that's what we always do but I ain't tryna make a bigass fuss about it.

I have my psychology AP test tomorrow afternoon. I studied the eyes and the brain. Now I need to study research methods and the schools of psychology +names. I think I'll do pretty good. I get to miss my math test tomorrow, whoo! It'll give me a day extra to study. We're having salad, corn, mashed potatoes, bread, and baked chicken. I seriously need to clean my room though.. Hella laundry, trash, food. Gross, lol. I can't wait for summer!

Everyone is definitely in a pissy mood today, me included. If you're gonna come at me with stupid shit, don't bother talking to me. I will TFI instantly. It's not even that I'm mad, people are just being hella stupid. And stupidity, intentional stupidity, annoys the living shit out of me. Smh. Grumpy bear, much? Haha.

Prom 2010

My prom group was really the shit. It was nothin but jokes the whole night. Those shoes hurt like a bitch, this picture is blurry, but it was only 2 of the 4 pictures ANYONE took the whole night. And it's all I have left to remember it by, not quite sure if it was honestly that memorable, but still. Look at Kevin's smile! So cute! Haha. He's like a hapy little 4 year old.

I look fucken emaciated. My arm looks so small and my shoulder is bony as fuck. Haha. I swear I'm fatter in real life. I though the camera was supposed to ADD ten pounds, not subtract. Communication Hills, pretty nice. Even though it was windy as fuck. That'll explain my hair flying around everywhere in this freakin picture. I look pretty bad in all the pictures we took, but hey. I don't really care. I had fun.

It sucks how one minute I’m absolutely sure about how I feel, and then next minute I’m in a gray area. I don’t know if I’m thinking about something just because it’s nice to think about, or if it’s something that I want. I don’t know if I’m feeling something because it’s an ‘of the moment feeling’ or if it’s actually how I feel. That’s what sucks about being lost. You’re unsure about where you’re at. You’re unsure about how you feel. You’re unsure about what you want. You’re just plain unsure...all the damn time. And when you finally think you’ve found yourself... You’re lost again.

It was hella nice in San Mateo today. It was lightweight windy during parts of the picnic, but for the most part it was pretty sunny. I was on baby duty. I was with Bok Bok the whole time. He's the cutest. We went down the slide at least 50 times. I was wearing a long sleeve sweater and 3 inch wedges, while running after a three year old on bouncy foam playground and tan-bark. It was quite the adventure. We were there for a bit, then left with Tito Eric since Ma and Pa were gonna be there for awhile longer. Now I'm home just relaxing and whatnot. Apparently Son is having a party the second week of summer? Haaail yes I'm there. I need to destress, have fun. I know that's hella far away, and it may or may not actually happen, but I'm looking forward. Haha. 27 days till my birthday. No one else cares, haha, but I do. I mean, birthdays get less and less exciting every year unless you're turning 18 or 21, but yeah. Lol. I don't think I'm gonna do anything the day of. I'll probably actually celebrate it on the 12th. I wanna go to Sf and go to the Pier and the California Acad of Sciences and Alcatraz and eat at Kitaro and go to the beach. Haha. I'm so tired. Other than my family definitely knowing how to ruin a holiday, today was arrite.

I slept for hella hours yesterday. I'd wake up periodically and just lay down and listen to my iPod but I didn't leave my room. It's Mother's Day! I wished my Mom a happy mother's day on Facebook then when she woke up told her again. Haha. Commented his Momma too! She's such a sweet lady. You just get a hella good vibe from her. I really wish we got her something though. Texted Tita Che and all the other zillion baby mamas in my phone. I seriously sent a mass text to like 20 people, haha. We have a birthday party to go to later. On Mother's Day. Who does that? At least we're all going as a family. It was funny when I hugged my Mom I towered over her. It's like that for most people I hug. =( According to Nick Loo, I'm Yao Ming. LOL. It's really ugly outside and the party is at a park. Gg. I think I'll get up and make pancakes and bread. I'm hungry. I hate howu Facebook notification ring sound is the same as my text message ring and it gets me hella excited, haha. Got my English and psychology AP tests this week. I'm actually kinda excited. APUSH was an epic fail, lol.

I'm still thinking about transfering schools and then what I'm gonna do after. I'm eating lunch with Roan tomorrow to talk about transfering and stuff. He's the only person that want to talk to me about it/listen to me. And that is why he is my favorite, haha. I'm caught in between and I think a second opinion will help me make my decision. After I was planning on doing a two year at a community college then transfering to UC Irvine (my dream UC)! But my Mom said with the budget crisis going on I may not get a forsure spot at UCI. But I thought if you meet with them they secure you a spot? She wants me to apply to USF, SFSU, Layola Marymont, Sam Merrit, CSU Eastbay, CSU San Marcos, and CSU Long Beach. Ideally, I'd love to go straight to CSU Long Beach. My heart is set, but still be a minor so I wouldn't really be able to do much. But Mom wants me to apply to 4 year universities up here and just stay up here for four years, then transfer down there since I want masters. But that's not what I want.. I think I'll just take a chance with the UCI transfer. It's really what I wanna do.

Man, it's raining and we're stil going to this party at the park. I wish we were going to a buffet instead. And I don't like buffets so it's saying a lot considering I wanna go. Time to go to Target to get Mama a card. Toodles!

It's damn near 1:00am and I'm hella in a cakin type of mood. =( haha. I haven't been hella cute and cakey with a guy in dumbass long. I'm so kawawa about this. I miss laying in bed not doin a damn thing, hella comfy being hella cupcakey. =( haha. Or on the phone shootin each other sweet nothings! Hahaha. Fuck. 1:00am, no one to be cute with - this posses a prediciment.

I feel hella stupid for believing you. Err, "believing." Let's say they really are someone's earrings, wtf. I wouldn't put it past you to lie to my face about shit, especially that. You've lied to me hella times in the past, idk why I should've believed you about that especially since you kept changing your story. For me, it's better to just asume you're lying and protect myself from getting hurt and looking hella stupid instead of believing you and you were lying to me the whole time. I really wish I hadn't "believed" you. Just so I can sleep better at night knowing I at least have kept some dignity or something. Sighh.. I really don't know. I feel hella used and hella stupid. I'm really fucken mad at myself.

Get Naked - Travis Porter

I could slow juke to this song for hours... Haha. I love it. ^__^ I'd classify this one as a babymaker.

I feel fucken stupid.

Who did those earrings belong to?

Today wasn't at all what I had imagined it to be. I thought we'd have a great lovely day, no arguing; basically I thought it'd be something it definitely didn't turn out to be. It wasn't completely bad though. I mean, I was being my typical cranky bitch self throughout the begining, and most of it, but it ended up ending on an okay one. I'm home now and I'm hella sleepy.. I wish I could repeat the whole day. I regret being so difficult and ruining the day. Thankfully we managed to salvage it to some extent. I miss him already. I haven't really been sad or missed him in hella long. It's kinda weird, haha. I got my first massage today! Sorta. Haha.

I don't know what you're up to, what you're doing (or who, smh...) but thank you for being here for me. I know I definitely have shit I need to work on and maturing to do, just like you, but I hope that over time something better will come of this situation. Your approach on trying to "help me" on trying to get better and just be happy doesn't really make anything better (lol) but I guess it's better than you not trying at all. Maybe you're right. Maybe I do ignore the goods things you do and the ways you try and make me happy. That really made me think. Anywhoo, I hope I can see you soon. I know driving me around wasn't exactly what you wanted to do, but you did it anyways. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. I don't know what else to say. I had a good day with you, regardless of our arguing. I love ya.

Never before have I been more fed up with the people around me. I've slept all day yet I still wanna beat the shit out of anyone who makes me mad. I'm sick of everyone. No one makes me happy and I just don't wanna be around anyone. I'm sick of this, really. I don't even know how to explain how much I just don't care about anyone anymore. I don't see why I should be the one who does all the caring when no one can reciprocate the action. I fucken hate being here. I hate living here. I just wish I could be by myself away from everyone because all the relationships I have with people in my life suck and I can't stand doing this crap anymore. No one gives a shit and I'm seriously sick of every single person in my life. No one is sincere and they're all full of shit. I want to be alone, far away from everyone. Cut you all out. Look how miserable I am with all you guys in my life. If you all really care about me like you say you do (you're all a bunch of liars!), then get the fuck away from me. That'll really do me a favor.

My allergies have been fucken killing me today... All bad. Went to therapy, then went to Red Robin for dinner (yuuucky), then Safeway. I finally made Max's cupcakes. He's been bugging me for forever, haha. I have taken his Red Velvet virginity! I'm gonna go to school tomorrow to eat breakfast with Vickie and Roan before the test. I hope the test takes reeally long so I can miss most of the day. ^_^ Mini pancakes, orange juice, bacon, and donuts for breakfast tomorrow. Good brain food to get us good and ready for the test! I really doubt I'll do well on the FRQs, but that's okay. I know I'll pass the english and psych ones. 2/3 is still good. I'm watching an extended episode of Family Guy, napping, then gonna shower. Then watch Saw IV. Haha. I am soo not studying tonight. Toodles!

I cut 6th and 7th since I had a pass plus it's a short day and we never do anything. I'm at Kuya's house and Paulo is cooking adobo! Yummy. Miggsy handed me a cookie and his juice, napa ka cute! Haha. I have therapy at 2:00pm, then we're gonna go grocery shopping. Apush AP test tomorrow from like, 7:30am to sometime in the afternoon. Me, Kevin, Kumar, and Matteo are supposed to celebrate with a congratulatory blunt. Haha. I switched phone cases with Kumar today. I forgot what my phone looked like without a case on it. I like his white one. Maybe I'll buy one this weekend, if they have one at Best Buy. So I guess we're gonna kick it Saturday.. I mean, I'm looking forward to it I guess but I'm apprehensive and a part of me kinda doesn't wanna chill. But we'll see what happens. Never know till I actually do it. Apparently I'm "jealous." No, actually I'm not. It's just rude when you flirt with other girls then still expect me to do all this stuff for you. That's all I'm saying. But whatever. I'm watching the Philippines MTV and most of the songs on their hit list are Korean music, haha. I'm hella excited to go to the Philippines this Christmas! We'll be in Pasay. Out of Cardona, thankfully. We'll stay at the condo then go back to Cardona. I'm super juiced. ^_^ Anywhoo.. Food is done. Time to eat with my little bebe and Paulo.