The year ends in just a couple hours. Where the fuck has it gone? It seems like 09 just started. The year went by soo fast. All in all this has been the best year of my life as cheesy as that sounds. Nothing really "bad" happened. I've had my share of drama and bs, mainly family related of course.., but other than that I've been great.

You're the best thing that's happened to me this whole year. You don't know how much you've impacted my life in such a short amount of time. I really didn't expect much to happen but I'm so happy with the relationship we have. You've grown to be one of the most important people in my life. We argue argue argue but at the end of the day it's you I'd argue with rather than anyone else. It's been an emotional rollercoaster of a year for me and I hope we can make the new year the best for us. We really have come a long way in 09. I'm proud.

I don't think I'm doing much tonight.. I kinda wanna go out and party (not with the normal guys and their gayass excuse for a kickit at the house, lol) but a real party. I've heard about some but I'm not really in that typa mood. But then again I reeeally wana go out. But sleep sounds kinda good too. I just wanna sleep, wake up at like 12:00 then go to McDonalds and sit in the car and eat. Just sit in an empty parking lot and eat. I'm so adventerous. I love it. -_- Everyone is going out tonight and I feel like since it's been such a good year that I should end it on a good note. I don't feel like getting dressed up though.. If I go out that means I have to look nice and do my hair and alla that nonsense. I'm fine right here in the bed. Everyone is gonna be asleep so I can just leave but do I really wanna go out is the question. I do, just not here. There's a party in Fremont but how the hell am I gonna get home? Or there's the one downtown.. Decisions decisions.

I love how you told me "Wow wtf I hope you get caught." and then call me back all calm and shit, lol. I thought that was funny and cute. The two days in a row we spent together were the most wonderful days ever. That's really the first time we've ever spent time together just us. No one was rushing me to get done or something, we just chilled. I had fun. I know we argued the last like, hour I was there and I was ready to just either yell or cry (which I did a little bit of both) but it really did mean the world to me spending time with you. Honestly, our arguement did help. I talked to my Mom about it a little when we got home and she said "You guys argue a lot, which pisses ME off because it makes you moody as hell but I know you love him and by what I see I know you mean a lot to him but he's not an easy person to love it looks like. But if you guys do love each other as much as I think you do, you'll be fine." My Mom understands my relationship problems more than me sometimes. -_- She really did make me feel a little bit better. It was fun eating TK even if you weren't paying much attention to me and I didn't finish my food. It was fun bringing the cans to the recycling place. It was fun going on our McDonalds run and getting food for your Dad and your brother. It was fun bringing boxes over. It was fun helping you pack, barely. It was pretty great. A wonderful thing to be doing the last week of the year.

Yaaawn. I should be doing like, 5 more essays and math homework but I know I won't. I swear I will finish english tomorrow. Heh. Goodbye 09. Last blog of the year.

I wanna sleep and not wake up for a few months.

Today was pretty good. I actually didn't think I'd get to see you today, you know, considering you said I couldn't come over. I love how I show up anyways. I actually was gonna leave if no one saw me distressed standing outside, lol. Hella creeper of me. I'm afraid to ring the doorbell. Folded clothes, sorted recyclables, ate. It was lovely. =) I got three new pairs of pants today! And a jacket! I kinda don't like the jacket though.. It was originally $70 and we got it for $25. Yay for sales. Zumiez will forever be the only place I can buy pants. The fit is great. The length though.. it's workable. All the jeans were $20 if you bought two or more so I bought three. =) Only two fit though. Now I'm home, and I need to do two essays tonight. =/

Actually, seeing you today was hard for me. It really made me sad and I have no idea why. I just felt like all my insides dropped. I was super out of it or something. Don't get me wrong I loved spending time with you and I had fun but something was off for me. Just thinking about it, whatever it is, makes me sad. Idk why I'm sad or what's wrong but there's something. I think emotionally I've just checked out. Not in the sense that I want to end things but in the way that I just feel like I can't fight with you anymore. I guess I just want some attention. Just a moment where it's just us, no phone or nothing like that and I know forsure that I'm the only person you're thinking about. I think that's all I've wanted all along. Just recognition. I know you're busy with your own life right now but just the three second text that's like "Oh hi. Haven't talked to you in awhile. Just wanted to say hi I'll talk to you when I'm not busy." or just a call to see how I'm doing. Or a hug. Something that validates that I mean something. Reassurance. Yeah! That's the word I'm looking for. Just a little reasurance here and there. But then again you're not obligated to do none of that so I guess what I get now is okay.

I want to nap before I do any homework. I think I might. My eyes are staring to water. I wanna nap till 9ish but I need to take my medicine at 7pm.. I already took mine two hours late yesterday. Ughh.

"She doesn't ever worry, if she wants it she'll get it on her own. She knows there's more to life, and she's scared of ending up alone."

To say the least, 09 was entertaining. So many good and bad things happened to me. Through all the bullshit I'd have to say it was the best year of my life. 2010 will shit on 09, I swear on it. No more letting shit get to me. New and improved me. :)

Back to writing about the word "nigger" with this mind splitting headache. Still gotta shower and do my hair. Ughhh. I need to go out.

I've been abusing my NyQuil for about a week now. I just don't even wanna be awake so I take a couple and knock out. I need to stop. It's just for now till I go out, wherever, on New Years Eve. I'm in dire need of some relaxation. I don't ever even wanna be awake. There's just so much shit going on and I'm tired of dealing with it. Seriously, I'll just lay in bed till like 2pm then get up, shower, eat, and lay back in bed. I feel all empty inside but the thing is there's a lot I'm keeping in. I have a giant headache and all I wanna do it pop some NyQuil and sleep. Ughhh. I need to go out. Bad.

One of those days where you just wish you didn't wake up and slept through to the next day.

I'm sorry. I know I say it a lot and you tell me not to but I am. I think I realized a lot last night. I just don't see how you could go from treating me how you did before to all of a sudden wanting to change for me and loving me. I just don't trust it. It's not all you. I've always been like this. I just can't see why anyone would go from treating me poorly to all of a sudden wanting to treat me all good. Why the change? This is my fault too. I see that you're trying. I appreciate that and it makes me feel good but I don't trust you. I'm scared that it's all some lie and it's fake and then right when I feel everything is all good you're gonna up and leave me. I'm never comfortable enough to think "Oh yeah, he loves me." I'm scared that if I reach a good level of being comfortable that you'll just leave me. I'm sorry that I make things so complicated for you. I just need to learn to trust you. That's all it is. I over analyze everything and I need to stop. I can't just take the idea that maybe you really do love me. I always have to over think things. I'm working on it now. You're always saying "That was before. That was before." And really, it was before. If I don't let that go it'll just kill me...like you said. And it is killing me. So I need to learn to let it go and let the past be the past and move forward with this. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize all that. It'll get better, in time. Promise.

My ignorance and stupidity will be the death of every relationship of mine..

"What you thought before has led to every choice you have made, and this adds up to you at this moment. If you want to change who you are physically, mentally, and spiritually, you will have to change what you think."

This is why I'd much rather be alone. Relationships just in general are messy whether it's between a significant other, friends, or family. I'm tired of the people that matter most in my life being the most inconsiderate of me. I should be comfortable around them, right? Wrong. The relationship I have with my Mom is surface. I don't show her how I really feel, or anyone for that matter, because they get angry and mad at how I'm feeling. But they don't realize that I'm feeling because of the way they treat me. I don't just randomly feel like this; there's a reason for it but no one seems to give a damn. I'm tired of trying to get people to see how I feel because it just makes the relationship worse. But if I don't say anything the relationship won't get any better so usually I just give up. I fake a lot of the relationship I have with my Mom. She doesn't understand that a lot of how I'm feeling comes from the way she acts and the way she treats me. She can't handle my moodswings? Has she ever considered I act the way I do because of her? Of course not. She's a great parent and she's super fucken ignorant to the way she acts. I can't tell her she's a lot of the reason for my feeling this way because that'll just...no. I can't. I don't want a family and I don't want a boyfriend. I just want friends. Strictly friends. Never have I ever had this type of problem with the guys or Asia. I'm tired of the relationships that matter most to me involve the most inconsiderate people on the planet.

I have always been fine being alone. It's actually always what I wanted. It's when I find someone that I truly have feelings for do things get complicated. But I stick it out for the sole purpose that just maybe this could actually be a lasting relationship - naht. I want someone to be there for me and I want someone to care about me and love me but to me, that takes away from my independnce and I don't want that. I don't want to need people. And when I get into situations like the one I'm in now, I start to need. I don't want to need. I don't want to be needy. I want to be self sufficient. When I'm alone without a guy in my life it's fine. I handle my family shit by just pushing it under the rug like it doesn't exist. But when I have someone that could potentially be there for me I start to feel like "Oh, I could open up to them. They could be there when I need them." But then I guess I start doing it too much or they see how fucked up my feelings and emotions are that they say I'm too needy or I'm crazy or somethin then they bounce. No surprise there. The thing is I shouldn't need them. I hate needing people and I hate depending on people. And the people that I do actually depend on are the most inconsiderate people that have the power to hurt me most out of anyone else in the world. If I was alone then I wouldn't have to deal with all that.

I have this fear. I've constantly lived in some sort of fear. I lie about how I'm feeling or whatever to my Mom because if I don't react or act in a way that pleases her she flips out and I hated that and it hurt my feelings so at a really young age I learned to lie about my feelings. Honestly, I'm one of the best liars I know. Sometimes I get so lost in what other people want that I forgot about myself and who I am. I live my life to please everyone else and I learned to do that when I was so young that I've lived this lie and my family actually thinks this is the real me. I mean, I'm myself and whatever but not 100%. I always put everyone else before me and when I try to put myself first like a normal person I feel selfish and I always, never fails, get called out on it by someone. It doesn't even have to be my family, someone does it and it makes me feel like shit so I go back and put everyone else before me.

I've only had one healthy relationship with a person where there was balance. I have no balance and no stability in my life. I just want one healthy, stable, balanced relationship with a guy and I've had that once. I'm not looking for an identical match to what I had before, hell no. I want what's healthy for the particular relationship I'm in with whoever. I want "healthy" that works for us. It doesn't need to please anyone else but us. That's the only relationship in the world that I'm willing to fight anyone for. *Sighh.

In my life people only seem to give a fuck about me when the way I act and how my life is going starts to affect their's. If it ain't hurting them in any way they could give a fuck about Rikki.

I need to appreciate myself more often. I know that I'm worth "it" (whatever that may be) and I deserve whatever but sometimes I get treated like I don't deserve anything and I'm not worth anything and I start to believe that, even though subconsciously I still hold onto my own thoughts that I do. I've got to put my foot down because I know what I'm worth damnit.

Sometimes it feels so nice to go out and not bring my phone. Even when I bring it and put it on vibe so I don't pick up any calls or texts I still I know I have it and I carry that thought that I could check it if I wanted to. But when I just don't physically carry it with me I feel kinda free. Sometimes I need it.

Sometimes I think I'm just a bitter person by nature. I'm 100% cynical, that's forsure. But sometimes I think I come off ungrateful or something by how I react to things or how I view them. People be tryna make me feel better about shit when they and I both know it's not gonna get any better. Thanks for the concern, but no. They'll just be like "Rikki stop acting like that. Things will get better. You're taking things too the heart too much." Well I think I'm just being realistic (and maybe a bit mellow dramatic and cynical but hey, shoot me). I react to things how I always have and personally I think it's been workin out fine for me. Maybe that's where my attitude comes from.. I hold it in and bite my tongue so much because my sass just be getting me into tooo much trouble with everyone. Idk, I'm rambling. I always tell myself that I need to start being happier. It's not necessarily that I'm unhappy, I'm just going with life because I know until I don't live here anymore that things aren't really within my control. I'm so excited to start taking drivers ed classes then hopefully get a job either in May right before school ends or during the summer. I'm so determined to do for me. Omg I can't wait to move out and live on my own (or, in the house in Sf w/ Tito but that's basically living alone, lol)! I love being by myself. I'm such a hermit, haha.

I think I'm done trying to ask you to pay attention to me and start trying to treat me better because like you said, I'm not your girlfriend and you're not my boyfriend so you really have no reason to act the way I want you to. I'm done trying to get you to appreciate me and show me that you care because when it comes right down to it we're nothing more than just friends. You don't owe me anything. I'm just stupid for treating you as good as I do and spoiling you like I do. I do what a girlfriend's job is; which I am not. Where is this situation even going to go? Is it even gonna end up there? I don't know and that's what bothers me. I was fine not knowing when it was gonna happen, but I'm not fine not knowing if it's gonna happen. I'm not trying to rush anything but I'm not gonna stick around knowing that it could possibly never happen. I love you and that's not gonna change but I'm not gonna be with you anymore if nothing is ever gonna come of this situation. Honestly, at this point I'm kinda just there. I've lost pretty much all my will and desire to fight anymore. It's not that I don't care about you and it's not that I'm not solid for you it's just if you were in my position you'd feel the same way too. I'm not gonna compromise my happiness because of my feelings for you. I'm not gonna lie to myself anymore like I'm cool and everything is fine because I'm not. I'm not happy and I haven't been for the longest. I'm not going to stay in this whatever we are if I'm just gonna pour all this effort into it, not get anything in return, and just continuously get more and more unhappy. I'm not trying to be selfish but if you really say I matter as much as I do you'd be willing to just hear me out. If you were ever feeling like this you know I'd do whatever it took to make you happy or whatever it is you needed from me. And right now all I want from you is to listen and understand where I'm coming from. I don't think I've appreciated how much you really do accomodate and put up with the way I act. I've acted pretty ignorant to that for pretty much this whole time and I'm sorry I've been stupid and selfish because I know I don't say thank you enough for it. I'm a pain and I complain and I don't realize how much I do do things to irritate you and make you mad. I'm not saying I thought I was perfect but I just didn't realize that I was being a little ignorant too. Sometimes, I think we'll just never be more than what we are now and that kinda sucks.

I can't believe you really think I'd go and fuck around with someone else after all this time. There are good looking people in this world, I'm sorry I looked at him like that because I forreal didn't even notice I was doing that. I feel bad for doing it but I really can't believe you'd think if I was drunk enough and he tried to talk to me that I'd fuck him or something like that. I'm not like that and I'm upset at the accusation. I honestly think that's bullshit that you don't check out other girls. Everyone does that. It's not like I did it with the intention of trying to get his attention or some shit like that because I'm happy with who I got. My mind is running a thousand miles an hour right now I can't even think.

It's not just that you didn't buy me anything for Christmas. That's the whole thing that finally pushed me over the edge. I don't need you to spend money on me and you know that. But I bend over backwards for you and I get no type of appreciation or thanks for it. I've been feeling like you don't even care and that whole not doing anything for me for Christmas was the last fucken straw. I'm livid over it, I really fucken am. You don't get how crushed I was to not get a card. You could've written it on the inside of a Fruitloops box and I would've still loved it. But you didn't even do that. You been knowing I was gonna see you and you had all the free time between then and when I saw you to do it but you still fucken didn't. That just shows how much my happiness means to you. You know I've been unhappy and you're not doing a damn thing about it. You go and say you didn't know I've felt like this? Uh yeah, because when I tried to bring it up before you'd get defensive and mad so I just gave up. The anger I'm feeling is a lot deeper rooted than not getting a present. It just comes from months of not getting any type of recognition or care or thanks from you. If everyone else can see how fucked up you were for not showing me any type of love then you should too, wtf. I'm tired of laying out how I feel for you and literally telling you what I want you to do. You should fucken figure it out yourself. No effort from you what so fucken ever. How fucken hard is it to take a piece of paper and sit at the table for five fucken minutes to make me a damn card? NOT THAT FUCKEN HARD. It's like you don't even think about how much that would hurt not getting nothing from you. Go steal flowers from someone's yard or something I don't care. Just give me SOMETHING. You've never spent a dime on me. I mean, I don't need you to but it's been too fucken long that you haven't done anything for me. I go out of my way for you and you don't do anything like that for me. It's so frustrating. Trying to get you to do one little thing for me is like pulling teeth. I can't be with someone who's not gonna put any effort in. I'm happy, you make me happy, but this situation and your poor choices are really hurting me. It's like I physically have no strength to do it anymore. I'm tired of being with someone who shows me no appreciation. You can say you love me and you appreciate me all you want but if you're not doing anything to show me I seriously don't believe you. It hurts my feelings more than anything. You're just too ignorant to understand. At this point your words mean nothing to me. Maybe you should consider doing something for me for a change then maybe, just maybe I'll believe you.

If I could I'd much rather be spending Christmas alone. I'd shut off my phone and just chill in my room all by myself watching movies or something. I'm not much for spending time with my family like this, never have been. I like spending time with my friends and their family better than me own. I feel like I'm comin off hella ungreatful for the family I have. It's not even that. It's the simple fact that we do not get along. It's rare that we do. I've been home alone since 8:00am. I'm not complaining; I love it. I laid in bed till 2:45 when I showered, changed into warmer clothes then made food. My Mom told me to call her when I woke up. Hehe, I'll call her in a bit..

Why do we argue so fucken much? It's really ridiculous. When I woke up at 12:30am this morning I was mad as fuck at you. I guess I was mad from what I was thinking about before I fell asleep. Then you go and call me all mad as fuck calling me stupid and shit, whatever. The three times we've spoken all day we've just argued and are conversations barely lasted 4 minutes total. I don't think I'll tell you what's bothering me till after Christmas because you're going to spend time with your family tonight and I'm not tryna put a damper on you over how I'm feeling. That'd be pretty selfish. I'll just set it aside and let you go have a good time. We'll talk about it another time. Till then, I think I'ma call my Mom now. I've been in bed too long. It's almost 4:00pm.

Last night felt good. It felt good to be out, around people that I'm comfortable with just having a genuine good time. It also felt nice to not be sober. I know that's kind of a screwed up thing to say but it's true. The drinks and the smoking calmed me down and made me happy. I didn't do it as an excuse to feel that way, but it definitely helped me feel better. That bo tasted pretty nasty though. I had to keep spitting. And it made me cough for a good 4 minutes nonstop. No one had the good ole' plain shit, lol. I didn't really do much at the party. Just drank, caught up with people I hadn't seen in awhile, basically just sat the whole time. It was cool though, I had fun..for the most part.

The thing about going to parties is that you're there, always. It's not exactly a bad thing but we always end up arguing during the party and you make me feel like shit. I mean, look at Katherine's party, look at your birthday party, look at Jazz's party. We end up arguing over something. And I'm not tryna be sad and pouty at a party because we got into an arguement so I'm gonna ignore how bad you made me feel and try my best to have a good time. But I'm still thinking about you and what you're doing and it really does ruin my fun.

I really hope you liked the presents you got from me, then the one I still have with me. It really made me upset that you been knowing I was gonna see you on Tuesday and you couldn't take the time out of your day to sit down for ten minutes and write me a card at the very fucken least? You were watching a fucken movie the night before I saw you; you could've done it then. But no, I see how fucken important making me happy is. Then my card is all fucken bent up in your couch cushion and shit. Like forreal. I see how it is. No matter how much you wanna say you love me it's not like you do anything to show me that. I go above and beyond for you and what do I get in return? I'm not asking for anything elaborate or over the top. You know that the big shit like that doesn't matter to me. It's the little things that do. Go out of your way to do little things. It's like I'm not even worth that. You do make me feel hella worthless and like I don't deserve shit. But the thing is I do. I know I fucken do but I don't even care that you don't do anything for me because it's how I'm used to you treating me. I'm unhappy and I don't think it's very good that I'm used to it. But it's not like anything is gonna change. I guess I'm just not ready to leave you quite yet. I've lost almost all my faith in this relationship but how much I love you and how much you mean to mean hasn't and it grows and grows as time goes on - that's what keeps me here. Other than that, you haven't shown me much effort and action that you really want me around. Maybe I'm asking for too much. Or maybe you're just being ignorant.

I'm tired of my Mom and her bullshit, forreal. I love my Mom and she's the only parent I got and she supports me financially, but when it comes to her parenting skills concerning my brother it's just a nu uh. Whenever she talks about it she uses that "I was so busy when he was growing up. I shouldn't have put him in school that early, I just needed someone to watch him. Things were crazy, you know that blah blah." Okay I understand that but... was the really in the best interest of you and him in the long run? Look at this shit. NINE hours of just continuous screaming, yelling, crying, throwing shit. I mean come on, that shit HAS to fuck with my brother mentally. I would know bitch, you're part of the reason I was depressed. I can tell that boy is going to be fucked up in the head as he gets older. I mean, he's nine and you still let him sleep with you? I can't say shit though, not my place. I love my brother too much to let you fuck him up in the head like you do, but at the same time I can't say shit. It's so hurtful to witness all this shit happening because I know what it's gonna do to him and I hate hearing him screaming "Mom! No! I'm sorry!" Don't get it wrong though, she doesn't physically abuse him or anything, it's just she yells at him, loudly, meanly, and sometimes I think she takes her words too far. For Christ's sake he's 9. Yes I know, he doesn't listen, it takes him forever to do his homework but he wouldn't be like that if you change your parenting style.. You let him play videogames all day, all he does it watch TV I mean what the fuck did you expect? When it comes to my brother and the way she parents my Mother and I disagree. Honestly if it was just me and my Mom things would be soo different. I'm not saying I don't want my brother around or that I don't love him because I do, but I'm just speaking the truth. I fake the relationship between my Mom and me. Most of the time I just do shit that'll shut her up and keep her happy but seriously, inside it kills me and I'm dying. That sounds over exaggerated but it's true. But after I cry or feel shitty about it I just get angry as fuck because of how immature she acts. You're a 36 year old grownass woman, act like one. I'd get along with my Mom so much better if my brother wasn't around, plain and simple. But I love him brother, I don't wish him dead/gone/never born, he's the cutest little thing ever (even when he's being an annoying little fuckershit). It's just my Mom and her actions and shitty parenting. The thing is I have no where to escape anymore since we live in an apartment 20 minutes away from the rest of San Jose. -__- When we lived with my Grandparents I could just walk aside and take a walk but here I can't, and that sucks. I don't eat a lot to begin with living here (partly because the bitch doesn't ever take us grocery shopping), but when they argue and shit it makes me lose my appetite and they always seem to be in it the the worst around dinner time (that is IF she cooks dinner). And eating is the one thing I feel like I can control in my life. My life has always been chaotic and unstable and uncontrollable that eating and what I put in my body is the one thing I can control. Woah, I sound like a psycho... I love my Mom, always have, always will, but some of the shit she does just makes my fucken blood boil and it aint even cool. I just wish when they're fighting I could grab some of my shit and stay at my Grandparent's house. I think I've vented enough, time for bed, hopefully.