This is exactly how I feel.

I've come to realize that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they aren't loving you with all they've got.

I'm feeling a lot better than I was yesterday and throughout today, but I still feel really bad. Hopefully it'll go away. I was looking forward to seeing my behbeh tmr after school but we changed our plans to Friday instead which works out better but that means a whole 'nother day of waiting..

My Mom yelled at me in the car today and it hella made me cry because I was already in a shitty mood. I was crying when I was sitting in first (thankfully only Alison and Roan saw) and Alison gave me a hug! =) Then I talked to Roan a little about it before the period ended. I have the best friends evaa. Second was boring, we're watching Supersize me. Third, boring. Fourth, STRESSFUL. UNIT TEST TOMORROW AND I'M BARELY HANGING ON TO MY C-. I'M HANGING ON BY .7%! 5th, boring. Grade dropped 5% because I got a 50% on my poems (all because I didn't have pictures. Hmph.) But that's okay because I get As on my tests so it'll go back up to an A again before the year ends. 6th, boring. 7th, 37.5% on my chapter 9 test. Thank god tomorrow is the last day of the week.. I'm gonna slowly, barely make it through the day but when 7th is over I'll be FREEEE! Then I'm gonna catch up on lots of sleep. I honestly don't even wanna go to school tomorrow. Just my first three periods. But my Mom won't let me, haha.

My Mom set me up for another appointment for therapy on the 9th. I don't want to go back but then again I kinda do. Idk, I have mixed emotions about it. We'll just see how it goes.

Even when you think you're not doing anything wrong, trust me , you are.

Bored!

Your ex, do they still like you?
I could care less.

How many people have you had STRONG feelings for in the year of 2009?
One, and going strong!

Would you change yourself for the person you love?
No, but I believe you adapt as your relationship grows.

Let me guess, your last incoming call was from the opposite sex?
Yeah.

Did your last kiss take place on a bed?
Kinda, someone didn't let me go in for a kiss! Smh.

Do you have someone who you can be your complete self around?
Mhm, except for when I'm being dumb or something. Haha.

Are you angry with someone right now?
Not really.

Why aren’t you and the last person you kissed in a relationship?
Haha, oh gosh. We're happy. Nuff said.

What were you doing an hour ago?
With my love!

Is the last person you kissed older than you?
Yes sir.

Have you hugged anyone in the last 72 hours?
I have.

Is it awkward when you run into your ex’s?
Not really awkward. We just have nothing to say to each other, haha.

Has anyone told you they would never leave and left?
But of course.

Do you straighten your hair often?
Yeah. Too often.

Who did you spend most of your time with last night?
Myself.

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
Never that.

Your ex says “I’m sorry”, what do you say?
Okay? Haha.

If you are up after 3 am, what are you most likely doing?
Homework, or phone.

Does anyone call you babe?
Sometimes.

Is there a girl/boy that knows a lot about you?
Both.

If you had to get a piercing right now, what would it be?
Snakebites!

What do you bite on more, your tongue, lip, or nails?
Lip. It's become a subconscious habit now..

Are you listening to music right now?
Red, Red Wine - UB40.

If your best friend needed you to bail her/him out of jail would you?
Well no one else would. HAHA.

Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?
I don't know. Within the next week.

The person you have the strongest feelings for dies, do you care?
Of course, but I don't even wanna think of that.

Are you honestly in love with the person your are seeing?
I'm not "seeing" anyone.

Are you nice to everyone?
I'm a very nice person! When I'm not being a rude bitch. ^_^

Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Not mad I don't think.

Camping with a ton of friends or hotel with a few friends?
How about camping with a few friends.

What’s something that bothers you about girls?
There's so many things, haha.

Do you have anything you’d like to say to someone, but cant?
I guess.

Is there someone who continuously lets you down?
Sometimes..

Have you ever broken anyone’s heart?
I have no idea. Probably.

What hurts right now?
Nothing.

Does it bother you when people try to make you jealous?
It depends on who's trying to make me jealous.

Is it possible to be single and happy?
Of course.

First thing you do when you wake up?
Turn off my alarm and check my phone.

Where did you last sleep other than your own bed and when?
Cho's fucken floor. -___-

Are your nails painted?
Chipped.

What is your current mood?
Tired, sad.

Do you wish things were different?
Very.

How many piercings do you have?
Ears.

Who would you say knows the most about you?
Myself.

How do you feel about KFC?
Popeyes.

Is the light on in the room you’re in?
Yeah.

What does you hair look like at this very moment?
Messy.

Are you wearing makeup?
Yeah.

Are you male or female?
Female.

You’re listening to music, arent you?
I just said.

I bet you had sex last night!?
Naht, haha.

Where are you biological parents?
Mammy is in her room.

What are you doing after this?
Napping.

If you could have anyone , not including celebritys, who would you want?
Bwaaah. I don't even think about it anymore.

I don't know why you ask me what's wrong or if I'm okay because when I tell you "no" you do nothing but bring me down, tell me I'm weak, and make me feel worse. So spare me, if you're just gonna make me feel worse don't say anything at all. You never say anything helpful or caring, so I don't even understand why you bother asking me if I'm okay. I'm not okay. I feel like shit. I've done nothing but sleep and cry all day and you're part of the reason. And your pathetic attempt at pretending you give a shit just made me feel 10 times worse. 

You're definitely not one of the people I go to when I'm upset, trust me. 

Sometimes I get so jealous of Mymy and Thaison. =( I love Mymy to death and she's advice giver person and the only one who really understands certain parts of my relationship but Thaison loves the shit out of her and it's so obvious and it makes me so jealous. =( I'm being so bitter right now, lawl. I think it's only because I'm having the shittiest day ever, but anyways.. Idk, you can just tell Thaison loves her and thinks the world of her. There's no other girl that's better or more special to him than her. He doesn't want nothing more than to make sure she's happy and that they're happy together. The thing is they're not even together, that's the thing that makes me so jealous. They love each other like crazy and they do whatever to make their not-togetherness work. More him than her. I get so jealous cos it's like..he thinks the world of her. He thinks she's fucken amazing (which she is!!). To Thaison, no matter how much of a manslut he may be, no female is better than Mymy. I want that.

For me.. I feel like I get the guys that think I'm "alright." I mean, I'm "cool" and everything but I'm not that great. I'm important, but not that important. I'm special, but not special enough to want to be with only me, whatever together even means. I matter, but not that much. It's like, if I'm not that important, special, great, and nor do I matter all that much what's the point of keeping me around? I guess I just actually want that person in my life, who I share my deepest more intimate moments and emotions with to actually think I'm important, that I matter, that I'm special, and that as boring and moody as I may be, that I'm fucken great. I guess I just want to be able to believe the person that says it to me means it.

Sometimes I really hate you.

If you're here to make my life suck, fuck off because there's more than enough people to do that job for you.

Seriously, the only person on the planet that can make me feel better. It's like he's my own baby or something haha. But I can be in the shittiest mood and whenever he's around, whether or not he's in a bad mood, he never fails to make me feel so happy. There he is eating my Coco puffs. ^_^ His laugh and his smile and how fat and warm he is just make me heart melt. He's just the funnest little ball of fatness. He can't talk, but he sure knows how to make me feel better. There is absolutely no one in the entire world who can make me feel better than him. Maybe, it's because he doesn't know how to hurt me. Yet..

It's funny how you can not talk to someone and they can still successfully kill your entire day.

I really hate when I sign into Facebook his status updates are the fucken first I see. Idk wtf is wrong with Facebook or if it's tryna fuck with my head or something but EVERY time I sign in it's HIM HIM HIM I see. His status updates could be from 50 minutes ago or the two before, or hell, even two days before and I hadn't signed in. Wtf. It's just really irritating because honestly, I hate seeing his status updates or his Facebook anything because they in some how, some way, make me upset. I guess.

And all is well again.

Our fights, when they're over, hilarious.

Way to make me feel like shit. Again. You say the most unnecessary stupidest shit to me then get all mad at me when I get mad over it. You know all the shit to say that makes me upset and mad and yet you still do it. It it's always when it seems like you don't even wanna talk to me. This is why I don't even call you because 1) I don't know if you're even gonna talk to me and 2) if you talk to me to just be nice you fucken do that to me. This is why I almost never want to even when I do think about it all the time. I call you maybe once out of the 25 times I think about doing it. I just let you call me whenever you feel like it because you "wanted" to talk to me. And it's fucken annoying when you call me back and ask me what's wrong when you know exactly what you fucekn did and then fucken go and get irritated at ME for being upset? If you never fucken did it then maybe I fucken wouldn't be mad. Then you fucken go get irritated at me and give me your half-ass sorry and then completely don't deal with it. WELL IF YOU JUST DIDN'T SAY IT AT ALL... This whole fucken thing could've just been avoided. I could've avoided feeling like shit. Sometimes it's easier to just not talk to you because whenever I go to you to talk, we always end up fighting. Maybe I just fucken suck. I don't even see why you should call me after we fight, it's not like you have to. REMEMBER?

None the less, I'm blessed. I have to take the time to remind myself that sometimes.

Only three more days left till spring break! Thank goodness. Today was alright, it actually went by really fast. The classes went by slow though. I'm hella mad cos I forgot 1 question on my 10 question spanish presentation. Smh! It's okay though. Chem unit test Wednesday, busy Crowther week, ayiiiyah. I just need to make it through the next three days! We did our Lifestyle Presentation thing for APUSH today too. Very well done group, especially Evana because she had never even seen the powerpoint, lol. Anywhoo, today was pretty boring.

I'm gonna get someone that cassette thing you stick into your car and plug into your ipod as a present for passing his driver's test. ^_^ I so proud. *claps

I've had the best weekend ever (that I can remember). All thanks to my buhbbsy. ^__^ I looved our random mall hopping adventures and driving to San Jose just to return the stuff then going back to Southland to get him replacement clothes because I suck and get the wrong sizes. =( Had an adventure with him then went off to spend the rest of the night with Bffl. Ronnie's house for spu-get-thi (since I really don't know how to spell it). AND FUCK. THAT EASTER BUNNY KEPT TURNING UP AT EVERY MALL I WENT TO. NOT FUCKEN COOL. I ran past that muthafucker.

I can't thank my babe enough for making the world's biggest effort and trying harder to not be the same person who'd let their temper get in the way of everything. We both made a conscious effort to be better for each other and it definitely showed because we were just hella happy and had hella fun together. I mean.. I still had my moments, but you, shockingly, didn't get hella mad at me and just be a dick. You were the calm(er) one and really tried to reason out with me. That hella caught me off guard. <3 And especially when I left. -_____- You came after me and shit. Well I mean, you always do but it wasn't as bad a fight as I thought we'd end up having. And when you were all "I thought you wanted to leave for good." Never that! I just let my emotions get the best of me. But I've really been trying and that was really the only time they got me at all yesterday. Everytime I would start to get all worked up you did the best job and said and did all the right things that got me calm again. It helped. But I've been catching myself. Good job us! This is goin good. Let's keep it up. I know things will never completely change because we're still us and we'll still have those moments where our old habits take over but if we keep this progress forward I just know it'll all work itself out. Really, you made me the happiest girl in the world yesterday. <3 I just felt so damn lucky that, underneath it all, I have someone like you. Teehee. *claps

After running a good block bare foot at 1:30 in the morning and walking in the blaazing heat from the house to the mall and back I'm pooped and my feet are killing me. Time for a nap.

OH MY GOD. TODAY WAS SO RANDOM. I was supposed to go to the library to work on APUSH stuff with Cameron until the play. But since I didn't bring my laptop I ended up job hunting with Jenny and Andrew from when I got out till right now. We went to the mall and walked around going into a million stores asking for applications and then we went BACK to Jenny's house to print out and fill out applications. I was supposed to go to the play with my boys but I ended up being with Jenny and Andrew the whole night. Haha. Adam called me two minutes after we left for the mall again asking me to come pay for his ticket. Everyone has horrible timing because right after Adam called me, Kevin called me asking me if I had an extra ticket. I had my own frozen yogurt for the first time ever today, too! Oh. And we get sushi. ^_^ Nom nom nom. Andrew just got water and a tiny (free) bowl of rice.. White people, I swear. I got a swear and tank top from Pacsun and Zumiez. I had to restrain myself from shopping cos I'm going with my Buhhby tomorrow! ^____^ CAN YOU SENSE MY EXCITEMENT?!?! I miss him like cwaaazy. I spent a like...$13 + $ 10 + $45 = $70 today. I only have like $150 somethingish. Idk, I need to check. But I just need enough to get me through tomorrow with my favowite person. Too bad Bffl has a track meet till the fucken crack of down, wtf is that? Now I need to shower. Toodles!

Starting spring break I'm gonna exercise at least an hour a day. No more just running. I need to actually bring my ass to the gym. But it's just so far from my apartment. :( But anywhoo, everyone has been commenting on how my stomach is bigger and I no like. When I went to the doctor two weeks ago I weighed 104 pounds. I gained hella weight. I didn't even notice but apparently everyone else did. So I need to go on a diet or something. Sigh sigh.

So I'm applying for a summer paid internship at Kaiser. I'm really esscited! ^_^ I'm really excited to start writing scholarship essays too. =)

Why do people always come to me when they need money? O_O Haha. Like yesterday, Kevin asked me if I could lend him money to pay for his AP exam (I was really gonna lend him the $86 if he needed it. LOL. But luckily he had a fee reducation) since yesterday was the deadline so I did, which I wasn't trippen about. Then today when I was buying a bagel at break David comes running up to me asking me for $10 to buy Elayne a ticket to the musical. I was all "I guess.." I mean, she couldn't wait till tomorrow? Lol. But I'm nice so I lent him the money which I know he'd pay back. Now Ian on the other hand. Nigga's had my itouch for over a month and he still hasn't paid me even half. I keep commenting him and Facebook and texting him but he won't reply and when I see him in class he acts like he DIDN'T get them. I guess. I'm really quite lovely when I'm not throwing a tantrum or being a bitch. Really. Can't you tell? I lend people money. ^_^ (Which is odd since I'm the poorest one).

Today at dinner me and Mom were talking about James, and I realized I much I missed having him around. I mean, he fucken hit my Mom and gave her a disease and cheated on her AND disrespected my baby sister, but I still miss having that "dad" around. He was closer to my brother since he was around a couple months after he was born and because he was a boy, but I felt like I had a dad there. I mean he lived with us and he was basically like our dad. I adjusted okay when he left and stuff but I still miss having a "dad" around. He was the closest thing I had to a real dad. I love Papa and everything because he's really been the only consistent male figure in my life, but he's my Papa, not my dad. James wasn't my dad either but he was closer to a dad than Pa will ever be able to be. He played the dad role and everything.. I was still a really little kid when he came around too so it was easier to adjust to having a guy in the house. I didn't miss him when he left or anything but I mean it was really nice to have. He was the closest thing to a dad I've ever had. And by the time my Mom ever starts seriously dating again me and Dyl are gonna be way older. I'll be in college by then and I won't be able to look at that person as a "dad" like I did with James. Idk, just crossed my mind today.

Love is about patience, not perfection.

I woke up with the most clogged nose ever. Last night I went to bed with the worst headache ever, too. I woke up 4:50am as usual and finished homework and got ready. Now I have nadada to do. Boooy, was last night drama...

I hope I can prove to you that you do matter to me. You more than matter to me. Idk how to describe how much you mean to me. I'm sorry I said shit I didn't mean. But my blog, my feelings. Not everything I say on here is 100% truth. I hope what I said doesn't make you doubt me and how I feel about you because I love you all the same. I understand I've got some.."issues" I need to work out (I guess lol). But I understand where you're coming from when you say I throw tantrums/little bitch fit things and I know that doesn't exactly help. But that's something I need to work on and try and stop doing because that doesn't help. But habits are hard to break, you of all people should know that. But how many times have you said shit to me that you didn't mean? And you've said it directly to my face. Do you remember when you said "I wish I never met you." Remember that? Do you remember when you said "I don't give a fuck. Leave. I don't need you." Do you remember when you said "I need you." Do you remember all that? You need to understand that people get worked up and emotions can get the best of us sometimes and things come out that aren't always true. You should be the most understanding person in the world when it comes to this. If I were you I'd be upset by what was said too, but you can't let it make or break what we have or let it change your mind. Just please, let me make it up to you. People make mistakes. Things aren't always gonna be good. I made a mistake and I wish I would've just kept my mouth shut but I didn't. What the hell am I suppoesd to do? What's done is done. Let me just please make it up to you. I put my pride aside last night and begged, Nick I BEGGED you not to leave me. I begged because I made a mistake and you shouldn't let one mistake like that completely change your mind about things. (Or did you always think like that..? I don't know.) But whatever it is, let me change your mind. Let me make it better. Whether or not we work out, although I hope to God we do, I need to make myself a better person when it comes to how I act in relationships you know? I know how I act isn't the smartest, best, or most mature way to act. And you're the last person I'm willing to lose over my stupid shit. But you need to forgive me because you've made mistakes, pleeently. You've lied to me. You've hid shit from me and I learned to let it go. So I'd hope, after all we've been through and all I've done for you that you'd forgive me.

You make me happy. It's just sometimes what goes on in our relationship doesn't make me happy. But that's kinda what's supposed to happen. You can't be happy all the time. I don't want to say I need you in my life, but I really really really do want you in it. It'd be a hella of a lot better if you were in it. We've got a lot of figuring out to do and it'll take some getting used to to really be comfy in our little situation here but just give it time, give me time, and be patient. I try to be as accomodating and understanding as I can, and I'm not always be best for you. But I try. It takes me awhile to catch myself on how I act but by the time I do it's like you've already made up your mind about things and you didn't even give me the chance to fix things. And right now please, babe I'm really begging you to just get over it. That seems kinda mean but it's true. You've just gotta forgive me, forget about it, and move forward because you know I love you and I'd do whatever it takes to make sure we're happy together because I want you in my life more than any other person. You owe me this one. ;)

I just can't wait to see you Saturday (if we make it to Saturday. I'll make sure I keep my mouth shut!) and have a good time, no fussin no fightin beacuse I miss you like crazy.

I have tantrums and bitch fits and I act like a psycho crazy bitch who say shit she doesn't mean sometimes, but at the end of the day I would NEVER want you out of my life. Ever ever ever. Ever.

<3

Toodles, time for school..

Don’t hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love.

Fuck you.

It's only been like a week since you've come back into my life and I'm already just as miserable as I had been for months when we were talking before. I don't even want to deal with this anymore. I was perfectly fine when we split up. I didn't miss you, I didn't call you, I didn't want to have anything to do with you because I was fine without you. But now I'm here, back in the same spot I was stuck in for months before, unhappy. I cried the day we split up and maybe twice the day after that. But other than that I was functioning okay without you.

Soo... 1 hour and a fight later:
All I have to say is, after that, my second thoughts have been completely reaffirmed. I don't know if I want you anymore. I really, truly don't. I don't know if I want you in my life, ANY part of it. Because obviously now that you're back in my life I'm doing nothing but being miserable, sad, and crying and you're the reason why.

That's annoying.

That whole Facebook comment shit made me feel pretty humiliated. That didn't make me mad, it made me sad. I was like "Wow, I guess." and it made me feel pretty fucken stupid. It makes me not want to do nice things (or anything for that matter) for you because you don't appreciate it. You say you do but you'll go and say stupid shit to me like that that just makes me feel dumb for being nice to you because you're obvious tryna hide me or something. I don't fucken know what it is that I just can't get over or that keeps me here. When we weren't talking I was perfectly fine. I took some time to think shit over but what was done was done and I was coo. I didn't feel the need to call you or anything because I was fine. But when you decided to find your way back into my life, I let you. Now I'm back here in the same situation as before feeling stuck and unhappy because it's like the situation is never gonna get any better. I thought this time around you'd do better for me but you've already pulled the same shit as before. But really, you haven't done anything but this whole Facebook thing to make me unhappy. We've already argued once and I mean, that didn't do anything. We always fight, lol. But for some reason this whole thing just really..I don't want to say "hurt" me, but it did make me feel sad. I get that that's your "sense of humor" (but that shit doesn't make me laugh one bit) but there's just some shit you don't say because it'll actually make sense enough to HURT my feelings. I guess I was just disappointed. You'll never understand though. But I guess I'm coo if that's how you wanna treat me. But go ahead and keep treating me like that, I promise I won't be around long enough for you to do it for long.

And when you delete the posts that are on your wall that show who you commented, and you delete mine, that's pretty fucken annoying too. But is any of this enough to drive me to the point of just completely giving everything up? Yeah, it has. I'm pretty much there because it's the same shit as the first time around. But am I gonna do anything about it? Probably not. Why? Because I'm stupid.

I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.

Next time you ask me for a favor I'ma reply with "Do I know you Nick? Lmao." And you tell me how that shit feels.

Tell me why this is exactly how I feel right now? Lmao.

Anyone remember when the side of the gym got tagged with this? Lmao.

Successful shopping trip if I do say so myself. =) I got my HK wallet. It cost me $40. -_- Then I walked around and got someone a jacket from H&M that was on sale!! Yeah!! 50% off and I didn't even know. Then I went to Forever 21 and got a tank top, shirt, and new hat. Then I went to Tilly's and spent $60 on a button down LRG shirt then $30 on a regular shirt. I wish they had a MAC here though! I $100 left. Hopefully everyone pays me before Saturday, ugh. Now I'm just waiting for my Mom and my brother to get out of their movie then we're gonna have lunch. After that, it's homework time.

My Mom and brother are gonna go watch Diary of a Whimpy Kid. I wanted to watch it at first but then I changed my mind. I really don't feel like getting ready. >.< I kinda just wanna walk around the mall and stuff but there's nothing really good at Great Mall other than H&M. I wanna get a new pretty bra from there but I don't wanna go shopping alone, lmao. I should be doing homework. The movie starts at 11:20 and the mall opens at 11:00. I don't wanna be one of those people that are at the mall hella early, lol. I do need a new case and screen protector though. Maybe I will go with them.. Probably not though. I have homework to do, not that I'll do it when they're gone. If it was Valleyfair, or even Eastridge, I'd go. But it's the not so Great Mall. Idk, I'm actually contempating going now. O_O No.. I won't, I know me. My allergies have been killing me. I have medicine but I'm so lazy to take it twice a day. That's so sad. -_- My period is almost over! Thank God. I hate sleeping when I'm on my period cos you have to position yourself the right way and shit. I wanna buy my HK wallet and a new bag. Perhaps I will go.. Ugh decisions decisions. That means if I go, I have to get dressed. Blaah.

If only you needed me for things other than money.

I'm soo pooped. We went to Tracy and spent the whole day there for baby Eli's baptism/party thing. It was coo. I got to be around hella family and eat and shit. I highlighted stuff for english and I basically have most of my spanish libro thing done so tomorrow is workworkwork +clean day. I hope this week goes by fast. I still need to go to Valleyfair real quick and go to MAC. I have $260. ^_^ Hopefully with work, Ian paying me, and my weekly $10 lunch money from my Grandpa I'll have lots to play with when I go to Hayward. I am shooo tired. I need a nap then I gotta start my homework forreal forreal.

Thanks for lying to your Dad and driving out here, at night, on the freeway, just to see me. ^_^ It meant so much to me that you did that. It wasn't for long but I'm glad I got to see you. I guess it'll tide my over until I see you next Saturday. I'm wearing EXACTLY the same thing I wore when I saw you today +a leather jacket. LOL. Same v-neck, same jeans, same shoes, same hat, same belt, same bag. Except my make-up is gonna be a little different. Yeah, I plan waay ahead. >.< LOL. It was fun just chillen by the pool with you then walking around the apartment just talking about nonsense random stuff. I missed that. =) Did we ever even have that..? LOL. It felt hella relaxed and chill, it was never like that before. I'm so giggly. It was such a nice night too. I was in such a good mood when I saw you tonight. It made me so happy. (And maybe my period helped a teeeny bit haha).

<3

I'm starting to get overwhelmed emotionally again, mainly about family stuff again. But I guess God doesn't give you any more than you can handle. And as long as you're going through Hell, keep going. I'm hanging on by a thread, but this depression comes and goes. I'm doin alright though. Just struggling to get through every day. *Sighh. I wish my brother was home. I'm in need of a hug. I'm such a bitch to my brother A LOT. I wish I could take it all back, even though he's a pain in the ass. I think I'm gonna call him right now. Only guy that's never let me down. =) I love my brother.

So it's "babe" again now? Are we back on that shit? I guess, haha. But this time around things will be different so don't get too comfy.. The week is almost over, thank god. I have two tests tomorrow +a paper due, then Friday I have a study guide due so the rest of my week is pretty busy. Hopefully shopping with Thi this week too so I can buy my MAC. <3 I really don't wanna do this english paper. Although I can pretty much articulate myself well, I hate writing. I'd really much rather be doing something interesting like science. This is how I know I'm meant to be a nurse lmao. Happy Birthday Bryant Duong btw! I remember waay back when we were in middle school we'd talk at like 2:00am and you'd be cleaning your shoes and shit. Then you'd pretend to be asleep when your Mom came in to check on you.. Haha. Good shit man, now you're all grown the fuck up. I hope my Bffl made it the bestest 18th birthday for ya. (And knowing that whore she probably did... ;)) Then next is Bffl's birthday, Justin's Ronnie's...THE MINE! That marks the year being officially over since we get out like a week later.

I can't wait for summer. I get to run around in my rompers, shorts, tank tops and sandals all night long and get myself into lots of trouble. =) It's just the whole "I don't give a fuck" attitude of summer that I love. The carefree mentality. All fun. I'm just too excited. I will make this summer great. I heard it's supposed to rain hella over summer though. But whatevs. I should hop on this paper now. Boohoo.

Damn. So neither of my orders online went through. >=/ Which means I need to go to the mall to go shopping, sighh. Haha. Always such a bitch for me to go clothes shopping. I am determined to get my Hello Kitty wallet from Sanrio, a new bag, my PenUltimate eyeliner and Honeylove lipstick, eyebrows done, and a new outfit for when I go see Bffl FORSURE. Which is basically all I need to go to the mall for but whatever haha. I just don't wanna go to Great Mall because it doesn't have what I want. But they have H&M and I wanna get a pretty new bra. Why doesn't Eastridge or Valleyfair have an H&M? Huuuum..

I hope this means we're on the same page.

I wish I was one of those lucky kids that finds $100+ on their desks when they get home or wake up on the weekends. I'm not. Unlike most kids, I actually have to work hard for the money I get, which still isn't close to the amount so many people I know get for doing nothing but sitting on their asses. Cool, you get good grades. But you shouldn't expect that be the sole reason you get $160 plus your parent's credit card waiting for you on your desk one morning you wake up. I wish I lived luxuriously enough my parent came in and handed me money. I guess I'm being bitter. But at least I know how to appreciate money.

Niggas do bitches wrong, bitches do niggas shady. But men treat women right and women know they're the only lady. That's just how it should be.

I tried buying my PenUltimate eyeliner and Honeylove lipstick on MAC again and yet again it didn't go through. =( It's gonna take 10 days to put the money back in my account. $30 waste smh. So hopefully before the 27th, which is the next time I getta see my Bffl!, I can go to either Eastridge or Valleyfair and go to MAC and buy it in the store. I'm sufficiently upset, lol. But hopefully my Forever 21 went through since I haven't gotten an email saying it hasn't. Our chem lab was coo cos it involved Skittles and M&Ms. Today went by pretty slow. I need to do my rewrite and hop on the fucken project for english that's both due tomorrow. X__X WHY DO I PROCRASTINATE SO MUCH? Lord help me. -_- I always tell myself I won't delay my work but when I really don't wanna do it I won't. Damn me. Seriously, I promise myself after this week I'll stop slippin! (Naht).

This creepy nigga is blooowin up my phone non-stop. I've been ignoring him for days because I'm hella not even interested and he's texted me 11 times in two days. I knew him my freshman year when he was a senior and like, he always gave me a weird vibe. Then a couple days ago he texted me for the first time since before sophmore year and I was all "Okay whatever. I guess I'll talk to him." I had no intention of anything happening because 1) I don't want it to and 2) he's creepy. LOL. When he started talking about going out on a date that's when I started ignoring him. You'd think someone would get the point when you've just been ignoring their texts for days. Leave me alone please. -_- I'm seriously disgusted by him. I even told him I'm not interested and that I have feelings for someone else and still... This guy is persistent. Not to mention a different guy from Hayward who's IMing me and shit. I flat out tell people I am NOT INTERESTED. I HAVE FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE ELSE. IDK WHY THEY DON'T GET THAT. It's really annoying and not to mention creepy. Smh. I still need to do my rewrite. My room is a mess. Oh gosh. And not to mention it's daylight savings. At least the sun sets later now. I can go out while the sun is up and get into shinanigans. ;) Day light savings = summer almost here. I am just tooo excited.

I wonder how badly failing that APUSH test is gonna bring down my grade, lol. I completely forgot I took a test on Friday because I failed it so bad. >.< That's what I get for not studying. I really need to hop on that rewrite that's due Tuesday. Gosh I'm lagging.

I spent like $100+ on online shopping tonight. ^_^ Got my PenUltimate eyeliner and Honeylove lipstick on MAC and got a leather jacket, tanktop onsie thing, belt, and beret on Forever 21. I hope my orders go through! They should ship sometime next week and then I'll probably get them before the month is over. I'm so excited! I still have like $150 in cash too. So I'll have enough to buy hairdye and nail polish. =) I have a stomach ache and this creeper guy keeps texting me but other than that I'm pretty happy! Oh, and I have an essay rewrite, english project, and we lose an hour of sleep - I'm still feeling okay. I can't wait to go home after the fight and go to sleep. I was supposed to go to Izzy's party tonight but I'm just too fucken tired. -_- Ooooh. The fight is about to start! Toodles!

They're flashing back to the Pacquiao-Cotto fight. Cotto<33

Oh my god. Dryer's made a limited edition Butterfinger ice cream. I need to get my hands on it fast. I really wish I had a car so I could go run all the errands I want to. Thankfully next month my Mom is letting me officially start my official official drivers test. Sighhh. My good vibes are starting to die down for today. Shucks.

I went to the base to go grocery shopping for the fight tonight and I picked up some pasta, yogurt, meat, salad, bread and juice. And at Trader Joes I got pineapple and chocolate cakes, nom nom nom! I love food. My horoscope said I'm gonna have lots of positive energy today and it's the perfect day to fix things between me and someone. I'm definitely feeling the positive energy, but not the second part haha. I really need to go to Sally's and get hair dye and nail polish. Then I need to go to MAC to finally get my lipstick. I've just been feeling so happy lately. (Other than my family annoying the living shit out of me...which isn't unusual, haha) I just imagined how I'd live and how I'd decorate my own place when I live alone/in an apartment/whatever. I'd get lots of candles and burn incense whenever I wanted to and omg it's just so damn exciting! Just a little bit more than a year then I'm outta here! I think splitting up/going on break whatever it is the hell we're doing has really helped me just take some time to work on me and get myself to a point where I'm happy with myself to eventually be happy with you or whoever else comes into my life. I'm just really feeling like I'm moving in the right direction for my happiness. I wanna go shopping. ^_^ Mm, I'm just feelin so dandy right now. Maybe it's the weather too but still. I haven't felt this good in awhile. I just hope it lasts.

I took a nap from 6:00 PM to 12:30 AM. -__- I didn't get to say goodbye to Dyl before he left. This is the second weekend in a row I've missed it. I'm about to get up to get cookies and water then watch some Will & Grace. Or maybe go back to sleep.. Because I'm actually kinda sleepy again. Wtf.

Hella caught me off guard when you texted me this morning. And when you called me I was pretty tripped out. It was hella out of the blue. My question is why? Why did you call me? Why did you text me? Why did you call me to ask me why I didn't text you back? Why does it matter? Why was it that important that you had to call me and ask why? I'm just curious. We seem to be doing relatively fine without each other so what compelled you to text me in the first place? What really got me though was that random call at like 4:45ish.. It was one of those "check up on me to see what I'm doing" phone calls you used to do all the time when we were talking. It was like, you just called me to see what I was doing. Why? Lol. I'm really just stumped. I guess it makes me smile a little bit because I guess you were thinking about me and stuff (and I guess it meant you missed me cos you hit me up, lmao ^_^). The two days after we officially broke things off I did a lot of reflecting back on what we had and my behavior. I could never really make myself a better person because I never really had to, yahhnoe? Even those times we actually did stop talking for awhile to try and work things out I honestly didn't really see what I needed to change on because I took for granted that we'd just go back to the way things were. I was too comfortable with the dsyfunctional relationship we had. I was happy with that because I just didn't want to lose you, even if that meant staying in the crazy relationship we had. But now that I don't know what's ever gonna happen between us I've really taken the time to think about how I acted. If I could get a second chance I know exactly what I need to do to try and make things work, hopefully. But I'll probably never get that second chance, and that's not okay, but that's what it is. I'm not beating myself up over it. I just wish now that I've truly realized my mistakes that we could tryna figure things out and make something, anything, work between us.

So I completely changed my '10 schedule hella last minute. Now I'm taking:

• English 4, no AP
• AP Bio
• AP Bio
• Spanish 4
• Photo
• AP Gov/econ

I think that's a decently reasonable schedule for senior year. I'm not drowning in as many AP classes, which is good. I've been in a pretty good mood today minus the thupid rain. Since it's just me and tha Mumma this weekend we're having Wingstop tomorrow! Had L&L for dinner today. Sraratcha or whatever with katsu...ohhh my. I need to rewrite my essay before Tuesday. Other than that, I think I'm feelin purrty good.

Karmaloop has an exclusive Alice in Wonderland jewelry line. $75 braceleet, but I want! ^_^ Now.. I should start my homework.

Hello senior year!

Nothing like curling up in blankets at 2:00am with goodies and Grey's Anatomy...from the very first season. =) It's a combination of my two favorite things: love and medicine. I can't wait to do that this weekend! My first weekend alone in foreever, how weird.

"There are times when even the best of us have trouble with commitment, and we may be surprised at the commitments we’re willing to let slip out of our grasp. Commitments are complicated. We may surprise ourselves by the commitments we’re willing to make, true commitment, takes effort, and sacrifice. Which is why sometimes, we have to learn the hard way, to choose our commitments very carefully." -Meredith Grey

What happened to monogamy?

I’m a one guy type of girl. I can’t go around talking to different guys just like that. And honestly, it’s a mandatory for him to be the same, even if it’s official or not. The “I’m keeping my options open” reason is bullshit. If you’re talking to me, that must mean you have the thoughts of being with me later on, right? Because I know that things would have ended a while ago. I don’t accept the idea of the guy going around talking to other girls besides me. Not at all. I have feelings here, and he was the one that caused them. Emotional violence is bound to happen soon.

It’s either you want me or you don’t. Not her or anyone else.

This week has been going by pretty fast. Turning in our schedules for senior year this friday. I'm gonna take

1. English 4AP
2. AP Government/Microecon
3. Photography 1
4. AP Biology
5. AP Biology (2 period long, oh my gaawwwd)
6. Physiology (or algebra 2 again if I really have to. My councler needs to return my calls so I can figure this shit out before Friday. If she doesn't, she really has ruined my life.)

I can't wait for high school to by over. Since they're changing our schedule for next year and we start on Aug 17 we end the first week of June. I'll be graduating before I turn 17. That's such a trip! I need to stop lagging on finish my driver's test. I need to get a job this summer too. I am gonna money for college/things I need. It may not even be a lot but I've always been the type to have money saved just incase something happens. Since we didn't do anything in spanish me, Pete, and Caldera were talking about college. She said it's a brave thing to do to just pack up my life in Nor Cal and wanna move down south. I mean.. I'll be really young still and it'll be a scary experience but it's exciting at the same time. I've narrowed my choices down to the following:

• San Francisco State University
• University of San Francisco
• Samuel Merritt University
• University of San Diego
• California State University - Long Beach
• California State University - San Marcos (maybe?)
• Loyola Marymount University
• Hawaii Pacific University (just for kicks to see if I get in, lol)

If I don't get into the schools I'm hoping, I'll go to a community college for two years then do a transfer. Nothing wrong with that. I'll be 19 when I transfer to a 4 year university if I do that and that's an alright age to move down south. Better than being 17. All this college stuff is stressful. I haven't even taken the SATs yet. -__- I'm gonna take them in June for the first time. I need to sign up for subject tests too. And the ACT. Yuck. AP exams + college applications + SAT + ACT + Subject test = HELLA FUCKEN MONEY.

March has definitely not been a good month for me so far. =( F on that gas laws unit final, D over D on the definition essay for Crowther (HOW DID I NOT FOLLOW THE FORMAT MR. CROWTHER? SMH!), got my abandoned and shit lmao, constant arguing with my Mumma, my bronchitis got worse. The list goes on. I'm definitely sad about everything but like they say "if you're going through hell, keep going." I'm never gonna stop till I'm happy. I've always had that mentality and although things won't really get to a good place till I'm living on my own and shit like that (only like a year and a few months till I graduate!), I'm not gonna stop and feel sorry for myself. I guess I'm content, but that depression and feeling of helplessnes definitely comes and goes. But that's to be expected. I'm waiting for my lasagna and biscuits to cook, and I'm attempting to study for this exam for Crowther because I NEED it to raise my grade. But I'm not getting very far. -__- I'm shopping online. Whoever said money doesn't but happiness wasn't rich enough. ^_^ Haha. Mac, Karmaloop, TOMS, Vans, F21....orgasm. I'm still on the fence about prom. If I go, I guess I'd want to go with Adam since he's way tall and we can just get so fucken loaded before we go that I don't even know I'm at prom (hahaha), or Chrissy. But he's shorter than me and he's such a whore!! I see him with a different girl everyday.

These bursts of crying come and go. But I'm okay.

Major vent...

How about we switch roles this time? Huh dicks? How about we do that? How about I stop saying sorry for once and you realize its not always my fault? I’m so fucking tired of people blaming me for everything and I’m also tired of me being the little bitch who takes everything to heart because everyone’s opinion matters so much because I always want to please everyone because I know how it feels to be mad and not have anyone understand you or help you out and I care so of course I wouldn’t want that to happen to you too. But I’m alone when it comes to that situation. I guess I am the dickhead for taking things seriously. Maybe I should just go around cursing everybody out instead of keeping things in and then ending up crying and beating myself up for something that has no importance whatsoever. Maybe I should just tattoo “fuck everyone” in each of my brain cells so I can get the point that no one really cares as much as my dumbass does. I want to be able to hate, but I can’t because I’ve already been in so many situations where hate only led to chaos, chaos, chaos and more chaos. I’m always telling everyone to speak about they’re problems and stop keeping things in because they do so much pain but look at me. Take your own fucking advice dumbass. Here you are crying your pussy eyes out because the simple words “you’re so selfish” make your skin crawl. Maybe I just don’t understand humanity. Maybe I’ve been wrong this whole time. Maybe caring is a bad choice.

The thing that hurts me the most I think is the fact that you have no problem going on with your life without me. It seems like you had this all planned out and you're totally okay with it. I feel pretty stupid. I feel like you're long gone without me. I feel like behind, abandoned. I just hate that you're back to you're life so quickly, like you're fine without me. I guess I'm just being bitter. A part of me wants you to feel how miserable I am without you here. A part of me wants you to wake up and the first thing your body wants to do is cry.. I want you to feel as shitty, lonely, empty, and stupid as I feel. I wish you could hurt as bad as I'm hurting..because of you. I wish I could move forward with my life so fucken quickly. I kinda hate you for that.

I know I don't really have much to say I'm sorry about but I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was such a picky bitch about things and constantly tried to over-analyze everything. I'm sorry I couldn't just go with the flow and be happy with that. I'm sorry I had to be a big baby and cry about everything. I'm sorry I complained about everything you did and had to make you feel bad for all of it. I'm sorry I just couldn't be comfortable not knowing where our relationship would end up. I'm sorry I couldn't be the solid good friend that you wanted from me. I'm sorry I had no emotional intelligence what so ever and would moodswing all the time. I'm sorry I constantly nagged you about stupid shit. I'm sorry I couldn't just be laid back and relaxed like you wanted. I'm sorry. I wish I could go back and fix all these things and not take for granted the time we spent together. I look back on it now and regret trying to fix a situation and couldn't just enjoy being around you. That's my biggest regret. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm gonna do without you. And it sucks.

It’s not like I want to be depressed all the time. It’s not like I want to feel alone all the time. It’s not like I want to feel so much stress and weariness all the time. But it’s something that I’ve grown so accustomed to, and I just can’t let go of it.

I have nothing left to say about this relationship. There is nothing to left to say. Or there is: this sucks. All I've done today was cry, eat, sleep, smoke, and shop online. -_- I'll come out of this slump eventually. Just gotta keep my head up as much as I can while I sort this this mess and try to be happy on my own again.

What hella made me laugh about today was when we were driving and you brought up that blog about JR Celski. LOL. "You want him deep inside you." FOOL, I DIDN'T EVEN WRITE THOSE THINGS ABOUT HIM. LMAO. I found it on Tumblr. You are such an idiot, lmfao. I don't think things have really hit me yet. I wish I could just avoid my feelings..

You don't understand how much it hurt me hearing you say you were sorry. It was like someone ripped my stomach out and stepped all over it..

She’s the one you call when you’re bored or sometimes when you and your significant other had a fight because she makes you laugh. She’s the one you talk to when you’re feeling down because she’s willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She’s the one you spend time with between buddies, before you find “The One”. You know the one who hangs around in the meantime.

She’s too laidback, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She’s too understanding, too comfortable – she doesn’t make you feel nervous or excited the way a “real woman does. But she’s cool, nice, funny and attractive enough that when you’re lonely or horny and need an intimate female companionship, she’ll do just fine.

You don’t have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already. She’s not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she’ll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don’t have to explain yourself or the situation, that she’ll be able to cope with the fact that this isn’t the beginning of a relationship or that there’s any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her.

It won’t bother that you would text her sometimes just to say not to text you because you’re with your girlfriend. She’s just sooo cool…why can’t all women be like that? But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don’t because to you, the situation between the two of you isn’t important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it’s really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don’t think she’s good enough to spend any real time with.

Sure, it’s mostly her fault, because she doesn’t have to give in to your needs —- she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them does, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn’t pull it off. Maybe she’s not really your type. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman.

She’s just too thoughtful. She’ll sometimes buy you things you need; she’ll sometimes buy you or cook midnight snacks for you and personally deliver it in your place. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do. She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has the bigger heart than any woman you’ve ever known because she’s had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you’ve given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is. She’s just your convenient excuse to fool around.

One day you treat me how every girl should be treated and it makes me feel special. Then the next day you'll be a complete asshole to me. Considering all that I do for you, you should be treating me a lot better. And that's me putting it real nice. Seriously, just make up your mind because just like they say "your moodswings are giving me whiplash." No joke.

One last blog before I crash... I just need to make it through this week. I'm looking forward to Saturday. This week started off horribly and I have a feeling it'll just get way worse. I finished as much of my chem packet (that was due like, two weeks ago) because Mac is coming back tomorrow. Procrastination is terrible. Ehkk. I need to study up for Crowther and try and redeem myself tomorrow when we finish up our presentation. I tootally bombed it. But I expected it since I got the barely translated, half-assed paragraph that no one wanted to do. I have really bad cramps and idk why, I can't breathe, I'm nasueas, and I'm tired as fuck. Idk how I'm gonna wake up at 4:00am to finish up as much socio as I can and then try and do my DBQ. Hopefully Caldera lets me use her computer during lunch tomorrow so I can finish the DBQ before class. *Sighh.. I just wish the ground would eat me whole.

"Sex relieves tension—love causes it."

Word to Woody Allen.

I'm getting ready to (hopefully) do lots of this on Saturday! I miss laying down on my behbeh's stomach while he does whatever it is that's more interesting than giving his full attention to cuddling with me! But...never fails to have his arm around me. ^_^ Shoo excited!

You make me so fucken mad sometimes.

And you don't even know it.

I'm in such a giggly mood. I'm laughing at EVERYTHING. I think it's the drugs. This morning I took: nasal spray, inhaler, allergy pill, Dayquil. Then tonight I have to take: allergy pill again, inhaler, cough syrup, and the pill. Not to mention the inhaler every 4 hours in between those. I'm gonna miss feeling this happy when I don't need to take the medicine anymore. =( Haha. Someone is gonna cop my Promethazine off me since I don't need it. I feel like such a bad person. =X

This always made me curious: if you're "talking" to someone and you do everything couples do i.e. have sex, hang out, buy each other things, do the day to day coupley shit, what is stopping them from actually being together? You're obviously capable of being in a relationship considering you can fight like yall all together and do the whole jealously bullshit and whatnot. So why not just BE TOGETHER? I always find myself in situations just like this. Where is not okay to talk to other people, I stay solid and hell and be that girl, but never actually have an official relationship. I guess that's perfect if you're the guy because you can have your cake and eat it too. But why not just be together? It made sense but it never made sense, if that makes sense lmao. If you're capable of being "baby this, baby that" and HAVING a relationship without having a "relationship" then what's stopping you from actually being in one? What would seriously change? There are always a million excuses and my favorite is "I'm not ready for a relationship." Well if you're not ready then maybe we should stop talking.... LOL. You're already IN a relationship basically! That shit just seriously boggles my mind. But I guess in certain circumstances just being the unofficial couple works out better but most of the time I just shake my head at it. But hey, I'm probably being the world's biggest hypocrite right now. But I shake my head at my own relationship every single day.