Today at dinner me and Mom were talking about James, and I realized I much I missed having him around. I mean, he fucken hit my Mom and gave her a disease and cheated on her AND disrespected my baby sister, but I still miss having that "dad" around. He was closer to my brother since he was around a couple months after he was born and because he was a boy, but I felt like I had a dad there. I mean he lived with us and he was basically like our dad. I adjusted okay when he left and stuff but I still miss having a "dad" around. He was the closest thing I had to a real dad. I love Papa and everything because he's really been the only consistent male figure in my life, but he's my Papa, not my dad. James wasn't my dad either but he was closer to a dad than Pa will ever be able to be. He played the dad role and everything.. I was still a really little kid when he came around too so it was easier to adjust to having a guy in the house. I didn't miss him when he left or anything but I mean it was really nice to have. He was the closest thing to a dad I've ever had. And by the time my Mom ever starts seriously dating again me and Dyl are gonna be way older. I'll be in college by then and I won't be able to look at that person as a "dad" like I did with James. Idk, just crossed my mind today.