I haven't updated in awhile and a few memorable things have happened but I don't have the time/energy to tell it all right now. I will later, if I have time. Just for short though, I'm so happy to have my love bug. Just got off the phone w/ him while he was literally half asleep. Like I said before: HE'S THE BEST TO TALK TO WHEN HE'S HALF ASLEEP. <3

Been awake since 5:00am. Screw you internal clock. Thanksgiving was typical. Ate, played with my little guy. Went to Wal-mart cos we got bored so I got foundation, powder, blush, and two boxed of hair dye. That all cosr me $52. -__- But whatever, lol. Was bored when I woke up so I ended up talking to Hansy Horse so I guess he texted me when I was asleep. Got my behind the wheel today. Ahhh, so scared. Especially with these crazy Black Friday drivers on the road! I'm hungry; I think I'll put some pants on and go downstairs to eat and watch Toy Story. 8)

Got my muthafucken SFSU acceptance letter today. I am soo fucken excited for college. Gonna pick up the letter tomorrow after school and then talk with Ma, Pa, and Tito about how we're gonna work out the living situation and shit. From an ideal point of view it'd be great if it was gonna be just me and Tito living there but it's no financially sound so I understand where they're coming from when they say they need to rent out the in-laws suite. I kept walking around the house like "WOO!" cos I was hella excited, haha. I called Pacsun to see if they finished calling all the people they wanted to hire and they still haven't. She said they'd be done by the end of the day today.. Smh, haha. My first driving lesson is this Friday! Ahh! I'm growing up. ;( Haha. I'm really happy. Losssa good things hannin right now. ^__^ Let's hope it stays this way.

I seriously talked to you for 30 seconds and you've managed to piss me off an make me cry. I'm tired of doing this every single day. I'm not gonna be miserable for anyone, especially you - the guy who hasn't done shit for me.

This sounds kinda funny but I love you most when you're half asleep. Everything is calm and I feel like the guard you have up is finally down. You aren't fully aware of what you're saying but the responses you give and the things you say are honest, for the mos part. That's when we argue the least and I feel I can love you the easiest. You always say the sweetest things when you're half asleep (if you're coherent enough to respond, lol). I can pick on you and make fun of you without the fear of making you mad. I can just be my complete self when you're half asleep. Sometimes I wish that you'd just stay that way so things would be a little easier.. I gotta start actin right if I'm gonna prove to him I want to work things out. I wanna show him I can be the person HE wants. I love you a whole fucken lot, Nick. <3

1/2 of me is like: It's been so long, you can't give up now. You have to really make an effort to make this better for you and for us. He's the love of your life and there's a reason you're still fighting for him this long. You've gotta show him you really wanna change and you'd do anything in the world to make this better. You know you miss the old times. You'd give anything to make those times happen again. You have to really want to try or else it's not gonna work..

The other 1/2: Give up.

It's over. It is what it is. I'm never gonna let anyone else do this to me ever again..

I slept so good last night. I feel better. Now I'm at work with good people and yummy food (breakfast buffet ftw). I don't know what's gonna unfold between us today or if yesterday was honestly the end but either way, Rikki's gotta take care of herself and be happy. *Sigh.. Time to get the day started.

I don't really have anything to say. Just "keep calm and carry on" I guess. Life goes on, Rikki.

So will the real men get up? I know you’re fed up, ladies, but keep your head up.

I'm pretty happy with where things are going right now. I haven't had this positive of an outlook in a really long time. Granted, I'm still stressing over AP bio but I know the only way I'll be able to pass the class is to study. I mean duh, lol. I have my first driving lesson with an instructor next Friday, the day after Thanksgiving from 2pm-4pm. I get to drive their Mini Cooper. ^_^ I'm slowly getting more comfortable with driving but I have a long way to go. So for 2 hours I guess he charged my like $80 something.. I don't remember the price since I had to use Ma's card and I just paid her $60 back in cash. Idk how how many lessons that is. The total is $315. I need to call them and ask how that all works. I never write that dude's number down though.. I really should since he's given it to me several times.

I put Nick as one of my references for Pacsun and of course out of the 4 I gave they call him... Haha. So idk what he really said since he's being a brat and being difficult. But they called Max's and I guess John answered the phone and she was asking him about me and according to Justin he was hella talkin me up to her so I owe John big time! Thanks John. <3. Everything is going pretty good right now. Except for Nick..

I sound hella ungreatful, I admit. He really has come kind of a long way from where he was before and how he'd treat me. His temper is way calmer and now I feel like I'm the pissed off angry one who's quick to pop off at the mouth. The tables have turned. I need to stop getting so pissed off at him over the littlest things. It's really scary though, when you feel like the love you're fighting so hard for isn't really what you want. I was talking to Kristine at lunch and Jeff got her a charm bracelet for their 2 months and I've been with Nick for 2 years and I have nothing to show for it. Not that I'm saying I need material things but no card, no nothing.. I feel like I'm begging him to be this better person for me and to love me but am I really letting him? I complain like "Oh Nick you're terrible blah blah" when I have this huge guard up around my heart. I have this "oh I want a boo" mentality but the other half of me is like "fuck dudes." Sometimes I really question if he's the right guy for me. Hey, maybe he is but our relationship is just so fucked up at this point that there's no way to fix things. He's the only person I can see myself with for a really long time but at the same this whole thing just isn't cuttin it for me. Heh, what can you do though? I just don't know..

I need some change. Or something to boost my mood. I really want a haircut and to dye my hair. That's always been a thing for me, dying my hair to make me happy. Even though my hair is WAAY over proccessed, lol. I'm doin myself a got'damn disservice. >.< This was a long blog, felt nice. Toodles.

These are really my favorite flowers, even though Nick thinks they're tulips. Hydrangeas. They're really expensive so I know I'll never get them, but I looove them. Especially in this color. =( Got this pic when I was at Costco, lol.

MY FUTURE DUGGGGY.

It's a scary feeling when you're not sure the love you're fighting so hard for is what you really want.

I don't want to do anything. I don't have the energy or desire to. I have this hollow feeling right in the center of my chest. I don't wanna take a shower, I don't wanna clean my room. I don't wanna do my homework. I just wanna lay at the bottom of the bathtub and stop breathing.

I'm seriously tired of givin a fuck.

Sighh.. It's 6:16 AM. I miss my bubbs. Idk when the next time I'll see him is either. I miss him like crazy.. =( Kawawa ako.

My sentiments exactly.

Nicholas,

sometimes the shit you say and do just has "C'mon Rikki, just PUNCH me in the face" written alll over it. -_-

As much as we fight and as many times as I want to choke him in a day I know I got the best hubbsy in zee whoooole wide world. We've had our ups and many many downs but we've managed to end up back in each other's arms through thick and thin. As much as I complain I don't feel the love and he don't care about me I have to stop being so ignorant because he does.. He wouldn't call me a million times to see if I'm mad or want to work things out. He wouldn't. So I've got to learn to stop being so blind sometimes and say "thanks bubb" for all the wonderful things he's done thus far.

TWAS SUCH A GOOD DAY! NUFF SAID.. ^_^






Till Nick had to go and be a dumbass. Oooooh, big surprise. Whatever.

You wanna ignore my calls? You wanna not talk to me all day? Be my guest. But I'm never comin after you again. Don't call? Fine. I'll gladly let months pass cos I'm tired of chasing after you. You only come after me when it's too late. Not my fault if this whole things just ends.

No matter how much my baby and I fight nonstop, all the time and our fights escalate to levels that they really shouldn't, at the end of the day we always end up back with each other. It's probably not right but we're working on it and we, or at least I, wouldn't trade him for the world. We both know behind all our fights is a whole whole whoole lot of love... Even though it may not always show. <3

Christmas List:

I know it's a month early but heey.. =) And partly because I'm nonchalantly trying to tell someone what I want.



Karmaloop:

1. The Little Mermaid Collection Shark Jaw Ring = $34, size 6
2. The Little Mermaid Collection Toggle Charm Bracelet = $40
3. The G2 Watch (in white) by Flud Watches = $70

Apple:

1. Apple Earphones w/ remote and mic = $29.99

Amazon:

1. Fujifilm Instax Mini 7 Instant Film Camera
2. Fujifilm Instax Mini 25 Instant Film Camera (I want this one more!)

TOMS:

1. Black Glitter = $54, size 7
2. Black Classics = $44, size 7
3. Navy Classics = $44, size 7
4. Red Classics = $44, size 7
5. Ash Grey Classics = $44, size 7



So far that's all I want. TEEHEE.

So Mama just asked me a question and I guess she didn't hear me cos she goes "Oh boy here she goes okay not talking." At that point I didn't bother to say anything in my defense because I'm sick of them jumping off at the first opportunity to get mad at me. So I'll let them keep talking shit and yell at me. I know I did nothing wrong.

Hello dear, can I have your full name? 
Rikkieliz Frances Garzon Dionisio!

Type the alphabet and stop at the letter of the last person you kissed. 
That's too many letters, lol.

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? 
Nick. 

Would you consider your parents to be strict? 
Meh, sometimes yes mostly no. 

Have you ever tackled someone to the ground? 
Probably at some point.

What was the last thing you wore that was black? 
Tank top.

Have you kissed anyone with the name starting with a J?
Mhm. 

What happened a year ago in this month? 
Nothing important.

What’s the last thing that went into your mouth? 
Noodles.

When was the last time you laughed really hard that you cried? And why? 
Hell if I remember, but I laugh all the time.

Do you have a mirror in your room? 
My closet.

How about a tv? 
Si.

Would you hug the last person you hugged again? 
My panda? Of course! I'll miss Kuya Jerv if he goes back Sf. =(

Can you be your complete self around the person you like? 
NO! >=( He makes fun of me!!

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months? 
Been there done that.

If someone told you that you were a player, what would you say back?
Haha, not even. I'm seriously like an old married lady.

Where is the one boy and girl you want to see the most right now? 
School and idk where. 

Do you wish someone was with you right now? 
Meh, kinda not really. 

Told your parents you were going somewhere but went somewhere else? 
Duh.

First place you went this morning? 
Bafroom.

What if the last person you texted told you they had feelings for you? 
He does, ;) Hahaha. 

Do you have clothes that are not yours?
I think I've finally returned ALL of Bff's clothes.

Who is the first person you would call if you needed help?
Depends on the situation, but probably my bubbs. Maybe, haha. It really depends though.

Who was the last person to touch your stomach besides you? 
Probably the boy. 

What do you look like right now? 
Dumb, lmao.

Cried recently? 
Last night. I'm a cry baby, hahaha.

Do you find it weird that some people brush their teeth in the shower? 
I do sometimes.

Will you be in a relationship 1 month from right now? 
No no no noo no.

Did you have a valentine for last valentines day? 
No.

Have you gotten close to anyone recently? 
Not really.

Have you ever liked someone older than you? 
Yeah. (No surprise there... LOL)

Finish this sentence… The last person I kissed… 
Is being a douche right now, haha. 

Name something you cannot wait for.
Christmas!

Is the last person you hugged taller than you? 
Mhm.

Miss anyone? 
Lots. 

Who is your last text from? 
Nick.

Do you tend to fall for players? 
I like to call them "friendly." Lol.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you? 
Not really.

Do you have feelings for anyone? 
Lots of love.

When is the next time you will see any of your siblings?
Sometime soon.

Do you like to hold hands? 
Very much so.

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? 
Yeahp.

Do you want to be single?
I don't really care. I'll find a way to be happy either way.

What are you currently listening to? No Hands - Waka.

Do you wish someone would turn up at your front door right now? 
No cos I'm not at my house, haha.

What were you doing at 12 am last night? 
Sleeping.

What’s in your wallet? 
-Debit card
-Kaiser card/Planned Parenthood Card
-Gym membership
-Cash
-Ridiculous amount of reciepts
-Movie pass
-Senior portrait (I think that's it....)

What is bothering you right now? 
I'm handlin my biddness. That's all I gotta say.

Who’s bed were you last in? 
The munchkin's.

Where is the last person you kissed at this moment?
I have noo idea.

I honestly feel like no guy will ever like me. At least, truly. I think it’ll only go up to a certain extent, and nothing more.




Just a thought.

No one understands how hard things are for me right now. I feel like I'm slowly being pushed below the surface. Any more and I'll probably just succumb. Idk how much longer I can handle this. But I know I have to just keep going even though it sucks doing everything on your own. No one understands.

Had the time of my life with my love bug yesterday! After SATs I headed out to see him. It was actually pretty good. And I saw him for hella hours. <3 We got his Kinect thing, which was actually hecka fun! (I was just being a party pooper) We had fatty food then headed back to the house. We just chilled really. Played Kinect, chilled - really. We didn't do anything, haha. But I had fun. We had our fights of course... But we made up like always. He was in the living room and I felt hella bad just being there so I left. Then he told his Mom on me... Haha. She called me and convinced me to go back. That woman is so great, haha. She saved the whole night cos if she hadn't called Nick who told her I left I wouldn't have gone back and the whole night/relationship would've been ruined.

I just got done grocery shopping w/ Ma and Mom. Now we're speeding trying to get me to work. I'm so tired I can't even fathom I have work till 9pm then studying when I get home. Sigh..

Ooooh I just wanna punch something right now. I'm so tired of this. I got a headache so fucken bad and I'm shaking and hot as fuck. I'm sitting in the backyard for some fucken air but it's not fucken helping. I thought shit was going so well but he proved me wrong again. I know I'm not proving him I'm any different but damn.. I want to tell him I'm sorry and I wanna make up but he's gonna belittle me and treat me like shit when I put my pride aside? No thanks. I'd rather sit here pissed off without him. I'm not gonna waste time on someone who doesn't care. He says it left and right but when (to me) it comes down to the moments I need him to show me he cares most, he of course doesn't. What's a girl to do? Idk how I feel. I always wanna tell him what's on my mind but I know he won't give me the reaction I want.

Today was just soo irritating. Every Thursday my Grandparents take us out to eat and we ALWAYS go to Burger King and they know I HATE Burger King. I never get anything and just sit there. So today when they asked I said I wanted Jolibee and Papa gets hella fucken mad saying it's so far when it's 5 blocks away from fucken Burger King. If that. He bitches and complains so I say nevermind and then he gets even more mad. Ugh. So annoying.. Ma was tryna say "Oh well he was gonna drive there." I'm not gonna fucken go somewhere when he's bitching and complaining about how fucken far it is when we've gone to In-N-Out and it's FARTHER. She even tried saying "We shouldn't gone to In-N-Out." IT'S FAAARTHER. I can't stand being in this house anymooore. I love having my own physical space but I'm so over the yelling. It's constant yelling all the fucken time and it reminds me of when I used to live here and ugh.. I don't wanna go back to that. So now I'm hiding, still, in my room watching Modern Family.

I'm not gonna stoop so low to where I'm having a tantrum about not ever getting presents from you but.. The only two holidays that really matter to me are birthdays and Christmas. I'll even let Valentines Days slide (even though I'm the only person you'd even be getting something for) but we've been doin this for hella long and you've never gotten me anything... I don't need much but I always get you all this stuff. I'm not tryna bring up the past, I'm just trying to point these things out to you for a better future. I get Christmas is a holiday where you get stuff for lots of people but I mean.. I always always get you stuff. Every time I see you it's like you're getting something new. I never ask you to pay for anything because I know you don't have a lot of money, if any at all but still.. You know Christmas is coming up or when my birthday is and you don't think "Okay, I should get something for her." But hey, whatever. I'm done getting you good presents if I never get something in return.

Got hella time to kill before I leave for school. My Mom is gonna come see us today! I miss her. But I'm so glad to be away from her for a little while, not that my Grandparent's house is any better. I look hecka crappy today. I'm dressed nice but my hair is just tied up. I'm so proud of myself. I've been dressing up nice (or at least not in sweats and slippers) this whole year for the most part. Fell asleep pretty early last night since my Bebeh was doing man thing and celebrating. I had the weirdest dream about him last night. x_x I miss him quite a lot. Okay I'm just ranting so toodles.

Christmas present choice #1) $70 Flud Watch 62 Watch in white

With every fight we have I realize how I'm on the wrong more and more. It makes me want to try harder to change how I act so we can work. I feel really bad for being a brat and acting like I didn't change when I'm really trying. Luhhh yah.