The kind of love I'm tired of:

Taking turns hurting each other, back and forth blaming, ignored phone calls and problems swept under the carpet type “love”, take for granted, have your cake and eat it too type “love”, rub it in your face I’m-better-without-you type “love”. Too much pride to tell each other I love you, I’m sorry, and I’m wrong type “love”.

First time I feel better after a fight. Thanks to my babes for making me feel better when he probably didn't even know he was doing it.

This is one of the reasons I'm so happy I have a job. When I'm sad I don't have to deal with how I feel. I just go to work and it keeps me busy. I wouldn't trade my job for anything in the world because it keeps me sane. I love what I do and it's the one thing that I can go to and it won't hurt my feelings or break my heart or call me names. I don't have to think about what's bothering me when I'm working because I'm so busy and when I do get the chance to finally remember what's bothering me, I'm too tired or drained to deal with it and I just push it to the back of my mind. It's the one relationship in my life that doesn't make me feel like a piece of shit. I can go to it and know I'll enjoy being with it. I don't ever wanna stop working because then I have time to remember how much you hurt me. Work doesn't do that to me. It doesn't hurt my feelings. I wouldn't trade my job for you because you're gonna keep hurting me and doin my dirty. My job, won't do that to me.

Thank god I get paid tomorrow cos I have $120 in my account.. -_- Got new shoes for work. They cost $66!!! But they're hella durable and comfy so it's worth the money. I have such a hectic week at school. I have a D in AP bio because I didn't do 1 assignment. I hope I do at least decent on the unit test Wednesday then. Aghh.. Anywhoo.. I should really stop blogging and get to homeworking, even though I wanna keep blogging.

I have chapter 6 objectives (22 questions) due for bio on Tuesday, transcribed lab report (that muthafucker is LONG) also due Tuesday as well as like 60 something pages of notes due for english on Tuesday... and there are 2 quizzes and a unit test squeezed into there as well. School is so busy, but I wouldn't be so busy if I wasn't working. I wouldn't trade work for anything though. I can handle work and school fine but that's all that I do. I go to school 5 days a week and I work 4 days a week. I really wanna get a Saturday off but Ma'am really wants me there on weekends (I can tell) so I'm afraid to ask.. =/ She said she really appreciates me and that I'm an asset to the company. I felt really proud. I love working. I'd rather work than go to school (for right now anyways since I don't care about what I'm learning, lol). Everyone is like "you have your whole life to work." I understand that but I love making my own money and the feeling I get at the end of the day knowing I accomplished so much. I feel like I'm not showing my other relationships enough effort though. Like to my Bubbs.. =( As much as we fight and shit like that I still miss him tremendously and wanna see him but I work 11am-9pm on the weekends.. =/ *sigh.. But if I didn't work who would support his lavish lifestyle? Hahah. Joooke. It's really hard to balance all this without a car. I just keep telling myself if we can make it through this last year of high school we're good to fucken go cos I'll have my car AND own place when I graduate. Ay nako.. 9 more months though. -_-

The picture is super distorted but it's a choco mocha something or other from Coffee Adventure. Coffee shop guy stays hookin it up for me! He even taught me how to drive, kinda.. Haha.

I'm honestly caught between loving you and leaving you. It's probably the hardest decision I've had to make in my life so far. I love you with all my heart. I'd take a bullet for you and you know that. But I'm not getting the things I want and need, and that's what's making me so unhappy. Yeah of course you make me happy but you're not acting the way I need you to I guess. I don't wanna change you, I just want you to become a better person. It really bothers me that you can't even do little things for me. I wish you'd open doors for me, I wish you'd listen to me when I had a bad day and just let me complain (and actually care I had a bad day), I wish you'd try and cheer me up when I'm sad or upset. I wanna be able to call you or text you with whatever is on my mind or whatever I feel like saying whenever without you being like "Wtf?" I can do that with everyone else, but not you.. It's weird because you're one of the most important people in my life and I should be able to do all that stuff with you but I just can't. I wish I could just be open and myself with you but I feel like you look down on me when I try to be. With you, I feel like I have to be somebody. It's like who I am isn't good enough. I wanna be able to be mature, childish, fun, an retard, angry, stupid, irritating, lovable, annoying, a pain in the ass, and everything else I can be and you'll look at me and love me all the same. I hate that when we're mad we resort to saying these low blow kinda things that we really don't mean.. Or at least that I don't mean. I don't hate you. But there are times that I do think you're selfish and inconsiderate. You just don't understand and it sucks.. I feel stuck. I wanna know that I'm appreciated too. I want you to really show me that what I do for you, you recognize. I bend over backwards for you. I put your needs in front of mine. I make sure you're taken care of. When you need something you know for a fact I'll get it done for you. I don't think I ask for much in return. I don't expect these expensive presents or fancy dinners or any of that. A card, some flowers, food, SOMETHING that shows me that you're aware of the things I do for you. Take me somewhere that I wanna go. I don't even bother explaining this shit to you because 1) it'll be a waste of my time and breath because you won't even do it or you'll just get mad at me for bringing it up and 2) I'll just be disappointed because I already know you won't do it. I don't expect you to do anything for me because you've already shown me you won't do it for me and I'm not worth doing it for. If you really wanted to show me I was appreciated you would've shown me. If you think about it you're aware that you need to show me that you appreciate me but the fact that you don't follow through with it confirms the fact that I wasn't worth the time of doing so. You really could give a fuck and that sucks because I'm stupid enough to continue you giving you as much as I can. Anyways.. this is making me sad. I guess I'll just end it here.

I just wanted to be at peace with you. And if I gotta settle for a piece of you, then I gotta say peace to you.

That's exactly how I feel.

Thanks for reminding me why I never call you. Everytime I do, I regret it.

Much hasn't happened since I last blog. I hate that I'm neglecting my blog. But I decided to blog before I started straightening my hair. I did two chapters of bio. Now I just need to study prefix list and photo worksheets for the quiz tomorrow and I should be good for tonight. I feel so proud of myself. I'm staying on top of my shit this year, so far. I need to come up with a tshirt design for AP bio though. Since he's giving us points for the fucken thing. -_- Chrisermen came into the resturant a couple days ago and applied for a job. I was all "You look really fucken familiar" in my head then when I was skimming the application I was all "YEAH!! THAT'S WHO!" Haha. Junard was all "He's cute." Junard is so gay, literally. Haha. Went and got chicken from the resturant from the resturant yesterday and Ma'am gave me free 18 piece lumpia. ^_^ Gonna get paid the end of the month and I'm putting most of my check in my savings along with my tips. Gotta start saving for shit. But thankfully I'll have like, two (maybe three, depending on my timing) paychecks in my savings before I need to use it.

Everyone but you seems to take the time out of their day to talk to me but you. Tonton texted me this morning to say goodmorning and to tell me to have a good day. I thought that was hecka sweet. I don't need you to do that shit for me every day but it'd be nice once and awhile. I want some type of attention/affection. But I'm not gonna bother nagging you about anything anymore. Most of me has given up a long time ago, sadly.. And you haven't done anything to make me think this is worth it in the end. It was funny when I was talking to Josh he told me I needed someone who treats me right and gives me what I need. In my head I thought "Hahaha.. That's funny cos your very own friend doesn't even do that to/for me." And today you told me you wish you had the money to take me places. That meant something to me but then I thought "But you don't even try to take me places." To me, it's the effort and the thought that counts. But you don't do either of those. I feel like I complain all the fucken time but I'm not gonna settle for someone that doesn't even do the bare minimum for me when I'm giving them all I got. I can say though, I'm starting to drift away. I kinda feel like I'm just here and I'm not "in" it. It's hypocritical of me to tell you to try harder but I'm feeling like I'm letting go but you never tried, you never did anything to try and be a better person for me. Why should I keep on giving you my all when you don't necessarily deserve my effort? It's not fair that I continue to give this everything I've got when you couldn't care less. It's always this "I do care" bullshit but HOW do you show me you care? You don't. So why in the hell would I ever believe you? I'm not trying to change or be a better person anymore because I have no reason to be. I'm not gonna be a better person for someone who won't be a better person for me. It's only fair. I'm not bitching, I'm not mad, I'm just sayin.

Anywhoo, it's Thang's 18th birthday today. What a tripppp. I've known this guy for 6 years. It's funny to look back on what we had and where we are now. We don't even talk. And on the rare occasions that I did hit you up to catch up it was hella fucken awkward. I remember when you were willing to do anything and everything for me and now, you are just a distant memory tucked away somewhere in my mind that only comes out on days like this (your birthday). I just wanna wish you a happy birthday big boy and I hope life's been treating you well. My life has been great without you, I hope yours has been too.

Got free cream puffs at the place...AGAIN. Cos they luhh'me. Haha. I stick them in the fridge planning to eat them later, I got back that night and there is TWO LEFT. I CAME WITH SIX. WHO ATE THEM?! Haha. Brought home chicken sisis, dinuguan, canton, and rice. Had that for dinner and gonna bring that for lunch tomorrow. What else happened.. Nothing too major, it's pretty much been the same. I have tomorrow off since Wennie wanted to switch this week so she could see Marjun. So I work Wednesday. I still have to go there tomorrow to pick up fucken Hans' cologne and sunglasses. COULDN'T HE HAVE ASKED SOMEONE ELSE?! -_- Finished up bio homework and I am soo tired. I'm like super cracked out on sugar right now though. I can't sleep!! So I'm up helping Hans try to get at these girls. Cos I'm gay, haha. Anywhoo.. Too lazy to go into any detail right now so I will tomorrow. Toodles.

It's funny how I know I should be treated, but I sit here settling for less. I know it's my decision to stick around but.. Idk. It's funny too how my friends are gentlemen and they do more gentlemen-y things for me than you've done ever. They won't dare not open a door and let me work first, they offer to do things for me, etc. I feel like I'm naggy as fuck with you. Why don't you ever try to do nice things for me for once? But I guess, why do you need to? I'm not your girlfriend. You don't need to be cute, or nice, or spontaneous. It really pisses me off that for my birthday YOU couldn't even call me. You couldn't get me a fucken card. You couldn't take me out to dinner. None of that. When I got brownies, balloons, flowers, and cake from everyone else. I don't think it cost more than $5 to get me a card and bake me some brownies. It's like everyone but you thinks about me. I shouldn't have to bug you about this kinda stuff, especially for a year and a half. Would YOU ever surprise me and get me a white chocolate mocha frap with soy? Do you even remember I can't drink milk? Didn't think so. I hate feeling like I need to go elsewhere to get attention and affection. I feel guilty that I feel that way but you don't bother to try and satisfy my needs. I shouldn't compare but I catch myself doing so. "Oh, Nick doesn't doesn't do that for me.." I get it, you're not my boyfriend but if we're gonna keep this whatever the fuck this thing is going, then you gotta step it up or you're gonna get to steppin. If you wanna leave I won't stop you. As much as it'll hurt and I'll be heartbroken, you didn't even do the bare minimum for me. You do nothing for me emotionally except hurt me. I wanna feel cared about. Be affectionate, be cute, be something.. Hold my hand once and awhile, kiss me, hug me, something!! I'm done asking you. If you won't do it then you won't do it. I've reminded you enough times. Eventually I'll just get to my breaking point. I want someone who'll recognize my needs and who'll do something about them. I want someone who wants me. I'm done with the chase. It's old and quite frankly not worth it. I wanna know why I'm still here after so long and all that shit I've felt.

I'm so excited to go back to work tomorrow. It's been too long.

Dear You,

I hate seeing you having to deal with stuff like that. I wish I could comfort you better than I do. I feel like you expect me to comfort you/be there for you better than I do and you're disappointed when I don't deliver. Just know I'm here for you all the time and I love you lots.

I miss talking to you. I mean conversation - casual and meaningful. I miss the random late night phone calls where you were like half asleep where I felt like I could about anything and everything with you. But as time as gone on I feel like we never have good, real conversations. I feel like conversations are just regular conversations I could have with just anyone. I'm not asking for these deep conversations with you every night but you're the only person I actually feel comfortable mouth to share my really deep with but whenever do I get to have a good convo with you? But you don't owe me that so I'll just go find someone else to talk to.

All in all today was great. Thanks a bunch, Nick. I have a huuge headache + I'm blogging on my phone so I'm gonna cut it short. Today was luhhly though. All thanks to my sweet!

In pretty sure it's Nick's life mission to just make my life fucken suck. It's always "dumbass bitch" this and "fuck you" that. I know that's how it's been since day one but I'm so fed up with it. I don't wanna deal with it anymore. I don't need someone who's gonna treat me like that. He doesn't get it and he never will. When do we ever spend time together and we don't argue? Never. We fight every day. He treats me like shit everyday. I want someone who treats me right and respects me. Nick could give two shits. I really wish I had work today.

I'm kinda bummed they gave me a day off, lol. I wanted to work today. Maybe they'll still let me come in.. My shift was supposed to be 3:30-9:30 anyways. The past few days have been good (at work anyways). JR brought me Starbucks two days ago. WITH SOY. Haha. "Why do you eat so many cream puffs if you're lactose intolerant...." I'm gonna miss those cream puffs. I get some everyday. And the red velvet cupcakes. =( I should go drop off my intent to work paper thing so it clears by Friday but I'm too lazy.. I finally got my package that came in a week ago... The beanie doesn't fit right, it's HELLA big. Waste of $15 but whatever. Got paid yesterday! Checks gonna clear tomorrow and my bank account is gonna be lookin lovely. Plus all the money I have in cash, =) I need to even out my nails before I go back to school. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not excited but I'm not not excited. I just want to get this year over with so I can fucken move already. I hope when I move to SF they let me transfer to the Max's location in South City. That'd be awesome!

I'm so bored I'm gonna smother myself! Work was bueno as usual. Only worked 5-10pm today. Had Jade China for lunch then grabbed Starbucks and Beard Papas before work. I'm soo bored right now. I even got so bored I called Nick.... I was that desperate for human contact, haha. He didn't answer, which was no fucken surprise. Who knows what he's up to. I need someone to talk to!! Haha. I'm dying here. Someone stopped answering my texts, smh. My package came in the mail, FINALLY. I wanna go shopping before I go back to school but I work. All the fucken time. But hey, no complaints there. I'm blogging on my phone so I'm too lazy to go into detail about anything else. This killed time. Toodles!

Work was hella funny. It was suuper slow all day. I got there early like I always do and it was empty. The tables weren't set so I knew there weren't any other people there. It was 11:00 and still no one was there! I was freaking out cos there were people croweded outside. I called Kristine for help, haha. So she came in early for me, thank goodness. It was hella slow all day though. I wanted to mop the front so bad, it was so important to me. Haha. Then after searching for the mop for like 2 hours I finally see JR with the mop... Then he starts mopping the front. I was laughing hysterically with Kristine for idk why but I started crying cos I was laughing so hard. It was one of those you had to be there moments. IT WAS SO FUCKEN FUNNY.. HAHA. Idk, but today was coo. School in 7 days. 5-10pm tomorrow. Bwaaah!

I'd seriously rather not talk to you than have a 4 minute conversation where you're not half interested in talking to me. Don't answer then. I didn't wanna text you, that's why I called you. BUT DOES IT EVER MATTER WHAT I WANT? EVER? No. So what the fuck ever. And don't fucken ask me why I'm mad because YOU DON'T CARE. You're just gonna get pissed off and talk all this shit to me for being mad at you. I'D RATHER NOT GO THERE.

I have no problem giving you money when you need it. But I do it so you have money for living expenses, not to spend it on nonsense things. I give it to you for nessecities like gas and food, not ONE pair of shoes. I did it so you'd be over your limit and you'd have money. But now, idk. It annoys me that I gave you that money and you spent it on one pair of shoes. But whatever.

Happy birthday to my Tito Rob! My favorite uncle in the whole wide world.

I think I'm like the only person who woke up an hour before senior portraits and didn't do my hair/make-up. Yeah, that's how much I care. Haha.

Nothing really exciting about being a senior except I'm almost fucken done with high school. Fuck you high school! <^> Muahah.

11-8pm today. For a Saturday it wasn't too busy. I was cashier most of the day. The police came to eat at the resturant today. It was funny cos they were standing out there before we opened and I waved from inside, hahah. I got a sticker! DD from the coffee shop gave me a free cupcake. Napa ka sweet naman. I love gay people, haha. Missed the birthday party today but it was okay. I brought home lechon kawali and chicken for Mama, Papa, and Tito cos they didn't really eat. Another 11-8pm tomorrow. Gonna deposit all my tips into the bank on Monday probably. I'm tired, time for bed.

Only worked a 5 hour shift today, 5-10pm. I hella just slept the whole day. It felt good, haha. Woke up at like 4:00 and started to get ready. It wasn't too busy for it being a Friday. I'm missing DJ's 1st birthday party tomorrow because of work. I got my cupcake before work! Mmm. I'm off at 8pm tomorrow so I'm probably gonna order myself a half chicken and lumpia again. I kinda wanna stay till closing though.. It depends. Maybe. I don't have anything else to do, and I kinda don't wanna do anything else so I may stay till closing. My package got a rescheduled delivery date. >=/ It won't be here til the 12th. I ate all my powered donuts. =( I'm reallly fucken hungry. Ahhhhh, what am I doing with myself right now? -_-

I don't know why I feel so guilty. It's not like I did anything wrong. Yeah, so I was texting JR when we were together. But you were texting that girl too. So it's not like I was in the wrong alone. If you can do it then I can too, wtf. But the difference is there's nothing going on with me and JR. All we talk about is work and how much I eat. -_- God knows what you and her talk about. There's nothing going on with me and JR, that's the difference between me and him texting and you and her texting. But I feel really guilty and I don't know why. I don't like him, we're just hella cool. I love you. I don't know why I feel so bad. Maybe it's because I feel like you're gonna think I'm up to something when I'm not. If I was I would tell you. I'm honest with you 100% of the time. You've hid stuff from me and it hurt like hell so I would never do that to you. I know you say you don't care but I still feel really bad. For what reason I don't know because I honestly don't think I did anything wrong! I just don't want you to be mad or think anything differently of me. =/ It's really bothering me.

Tuesday: I saw Nick for the first time in hellla long. It was weird at first. Like, I hadn't seen him in a little over a month and even really had a conversation with him in the longest. Went to Valleyfair and had CPK. It was super rushed though since I had work at 5:00. He was texting that girl the whole time we were together which was fucken annoying but we're not talking so I don't know why I'm trippen so much. It's not even that. It's like, you're spending time with the person you love and their attention is on some other girl. How would that make anyone feel? Went to work at 5-9:30. Hella short shift.

Wednesday: 11-5pm. April is the new hostess/cashier we hired. I was a waitress for awhile till Junard came in. That Jose guy that lied and said it was his birthday came back. Mm.. What else happened yesterday.. Oh. I worked bar for awhile making like, 10 halo halos a minute. Got a box of Beard Papas cream puffs which were delicious. But next time I'll just buy 1 instead of 6. Got food at Goldilocks that morning for breakfast then for dinner had half chicken, rice, and lumpia. Ate outside the coffee shop like usual since I didn't wanna go home right away.

Today: JR got my number from Arjay and he texted me when he got off. I have to admit, I was quite giggly. Haha. Ended up we both didn't have to work today. I love how that worked out.. Haha. He was supposed to work today but idk what happened cos I know we were already short. Ended up texting him till I fell asleep then he texted me when he woke up. Hung out with Nick again.It sucks though because I almost always work weekends since it's super busy and the only time we really get to see each other is almost never. I requested a day off for today so we could chill but we didn't really do much. Watched Despicable Me and went to Valleyfair. It was kinda sorta a fail but it really wasn't just because we got to spend time together. He was texting that Isabel girl again. Whoever that is. I didn't even wanna be near him during the movie. But oh well, it is what it is. Right when we kinda started to get along, he had to leave. That sucked, haha.

Online retail therapy last night. Spent $93, which wasn't too bad for 3 tops, a beanie, and leggings. I need to go to the mall and not be on a time limit. I was hoping to get new shoes today but that didn't happen. Lol. It's okay. Tacos for dinner tonight then the rest of my cream puffs for dessert, then I'm ordering a movie to relax. =)

Ha, leave it to this guy to pull this shit. Not surprised. On the bright side, I made myself pancakes, eggs, bread, bacon, and peaches. Yuuum.

I don't know if I'm all that excited anymore.. Like, I really don't know. Haha. I guess the more exciting part was bein hella cute with you as opposed to actually seeing you. I feel kinda fucked up.. HAHA. Not in a mean way but I just don't feel like I miss you all that much anymore. Once I got all that cupcakey shit out of my system it seems like I don't miss you as much/anymore. But I don't know. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

My Mother and I are not getting along at all. Haven't been for awhile. I'm hella happy I'm always working because all we do is argue. I don't like being around her. All she does is irritate me and I don't like talking to her then she gets mad at me for stupid shit then we just don't even aknowledge each other. It's like just two people living together. We're roomates or something. It's not like I live with my Mom. I'm happy that I work because I don't have to see her. Then once school starts I'll be at school all day and then I'll be working too so I'll never be home. I'm soo happy. I hate how she comes home hella early when I start work late. Like today, I start at 3:00pm and she came home at 11:00am. Like wtf, stay at work. Why do you need to be here so early? She's so fucken irritating. She like, mini kicked me out a couple days ago. I'd go to my Grandparent's but then they'd have to stay up hella late to pick me up from work and stuff and I feel bad. I'm doing this to spite my Mother, muahaha. Getting off at 11:30 is hella late and she has to stay up and wait for me and then she's all tired. I feel mean but whatever. ;)

I'm excited to see you. But I'm scared. We'll see what happens. I can't wait.. =)