So I got our boutonerre and corsage at Safeway yesterday. Haha. They're nice though so I wasn't trippen cos it was cheap too. They only had roses since we were getting them hella late but white roses are coo. I'm hella mad Ydeska didn't think to tell me about bringing Tim to prom BEFORE guest passes were due! I could've Tim fucken Ferguson to prom. I COULD'VE HAD THE SEXIEST DATE EVER. Omg, I would've passed out. But whatever. >=/ Can't do anything about it now. I'm just gonna wear the heels I wore for my birthday last year even though I don't really like them. I only wore them once but I'm not tryna spend $50 on a pair of shoes I'll only wear once. My appointment for my hair is at 3:00. I don't even have time to nap after SATs. I don't even think I'm wearing make-up.. Haha. Whatever. I still need to buy dress tape either tomorrow or Saturday because it still falls kinda. I'm looking forward to taking hella pictures. I just painted my nail black to go with our black and gold theme. I wish I had black gauges but it's cool. No one is gonna notice mine are white. I think we're eating Gorgio's before we go. With Janet, Vickie, Ryan, Max, Cameron, and his gf. I hope my pimples go away before then but oh well. It's just junior prom. Next year I want black, silver, blue/green. This color wasn't exactly my choice but it was the only color left. I think I'll just have my hair pinned up, nothing too dramatic. MTV is playing ALL Wale songs. But anywhoo. AP testing starts next week too. I only have one test the first week of testing though. I should study for spanish and chem tonight. I'm bored. Toodles.

Lol, so before Saturday we need to get our corsage and boutineere, shoes, dress tape, thingy to keep my bra in place, and... what else? I know I need something else. Smh, I JUST got to $204. Then today Dyl needs $10 for his lunch tickets, then tomorrow I have to get $50 to pay for my ticket. Then on the 8th I'm going to Hayward. I'm hella scared to ask my Mom, lol. I already spend HELLA of her money. But she'll say yes. =) I'm exhausted. Goodnight!


Shit, I need to make my hair appointment and figure out where to buy a corsage!!

Holy shit. The "Neighboors Know My Name" video just came on. I sure wouldn't mind remaking that video. It's so hot.... The mouth open eyes glued to the TV kind of hot. It makes my heart beat fast. HAHA. I had to catch myself. It's like, omg so hot. Haha. I own the same bra and undie set the girl in the video has... Hah, or almost the same. H&M bras are the fucken bomb. I love them. I got all my bras from there.

So I guess I'm going to Justin to prom. Hella last minute. Like, 4 days last minute. I found the only dress that fit me at Up Against the Wall. It's a mustard/gold shimmery dress. I wasn't really feelin it at first but it grew on me. I need to get shoes, black gauges (to go with our black/gold theme) and I think that's it.. Oh, and a boutineere and corsage but idk how to even do that with 4 days so LOL. We can go flowerless. I'm excited but not really. I just wanna picture. I have SATs and prom in the same day, how busy. All I really need to worry about is getting my hair done. I want it pulled back with pins and a puff, nothing different from my normal but it's gonna look way better. Haha. I need to do my nails black too. The blue and silver are no bueno. Oh, and I need to tweeze my eyebrows! I'm really tired and I have a presentation and inclass essay tomorrow. Fuun.. Currently, I have two Ds. -_- I turned my 17 point chem quiz in blank because I had NO idea how to do it... So that brings my C to a D since it's worth so much. Then math I have a D+. But she collected my notebooks so that'll bring it up, plus my test corrections and retake that I haven't done yet so hopefully that'll bring it up..

Happy 4th Birthday, Chubbs!

My hairy weiner. <3

I have $204. That's the most I've had in a long time. I need $290, so I'm not that far away. I'm cooking the most giantest steaks EVER right now. Steak, baked potatoes, garlic bread, and corn. Nommy. ^_^ Toodles till later.

You don't care about me so I'm done trying to make you. Other than a big "fuck you" for how terrible you treated me, I love you with all my heart, still. And I only wish you the best. You're obviously already movin on well.












Me on the other hand? Still miserable, just now I'm miserable and heart broken. But I'll be fine.

There you go again. Not giving a damn about me. I don't even care. Why should I when you don't? There went a year of my life, wasted.

Nice of you to finally admit you think I'm a good for nothing 13 year old littleass girl that has nothing to offer you other than money and buying you things and that you should just leave my ass now because you have all these girls in Sac to fuck with. I'm stupid, too apparently and you don't need to talk to me ever again. I mean, if that's how you feel all power to you. I'm not here to make you stay - that's all on you. I just want you to either stay in my life as one consistent thing or stay out of it for good. You never take my feelings into consideration anyways. You notice when something is bothering me and you ask, then you get all pissy and yell at me telling me why I'm wrong and how I'm being stupid and that we should just stop talking. You never try to do anything about it. Since the begining you never had to work for anything. I gave you everything you wanted, when you wanted. And when you did something I didn't like and I'd try to tell you, you'd threaten to leave and that's the last thing I wanted so I shut up just so you'd stick around (not that you treated very well but whatever). Typically I'm a no bullshit type of person and would not stand for the way you treat me, but I love you so much that I let everything slide. I even thought maybe that's the way things were supposed to be, that the way you treated me was normal for everyone. But I knew it wasn't, yet I still stuck by you through all the shit you put me through simply because I love you and that I was willing to stand by you just because I wanted you in my life. I thought I'd rather have you in my life mistreating me instead of you being out of my life but that's so fucked up. I can't be with someone who I'm completely in love with, give everything to, who I'm there for mentally, emotionally, physically, the person who I bend over backwards for when he needs it, and not get even some of that in return. If I asked you for some big favor, you wouldn't do it. But don't I always do things for you when you ask? No matter how little or big the favor is, I do it. I overnight send money to you when you ask me and don't get thanked until 2 two days later. I bottle up how I feel because I don't wanna argue with you. I'd rather just not talk to you because when you ask me what's wrong all we do is argue about it and you tell me how I'm wrong and stupid, no one wants to hear that, so I just keep everything in until I completely boil over. But I NEVER disrespect you when I'm mad. NEVER have I called you degrading, humiliating names, or disrespected you in the slightest. If I have, I'm sorry. But it's not nearly how rude and disrespectful as you. You call me a dumbass, a bitch, etc in a normal argue. But telling me I'm good for nothing, I'm only good for buying you things, all that.. NIGGA, IF THAT'S HOW YOU FEEL THEN GO. Wtf? That makes you no sense. If I'm making your life that terrible then cut. I know that's sounds so hypocritical of me to say but I never said any of the mean things you've said to me. How I feel is that I don't get the respect, appreciate, attention, love, and consistency I deserve. Like I said before, it's not a matter of how I want to be treated anymore. It's a matter of how I deserve to be treated. I DESERVE to be treated like that.

I feel so yucky.. Mom brought McDonalds home last night since she was out till like 8:30, and right after I finished eating it I knew something wasn't right. And I had a hella bad stomach ache, but it wasn't the kind that consistently hurts, but I knew it wasn't right. And I felt like yacking soo bad. I kept my trash can by the bed just in case. It's been like that all day too. No bueno. Went to therapy, almost threw up there so Mom said just stay home after my appointment. I am hella tired but I need to clean my room and pack still. Fuck. I wanna nap but I know I won't wake back up, lmfao. I have to throw the trash in my room out and pick up all my clothes. It's so fucken messy in here!! I hate it. I need to redo my nails too because, as always, my right hand completely came off. I think I'm gonna go get water and lay down.. I still feel super queasy. =(

Today was probably the best day of the week, for no particular reason really, it just was. We tested for four hours, science and history (shoo easy), then Club Day! Last year's Club Day was way better but this one was arrite. Chilled with only half my boy squad. No idea where Cameron or Kevin was so me, Justin, and Roan just walked up and down the aisle trying to figure out what food to buy. Finally I bought an In-N-Out burger for $4. Highway robbery, I know. But at least it was for a good cause. Then I got my Environmental Club t-shirt in green! It's so cute. Tomorrow is a full schedule day, no more testing. I have therapy so I'll be missing 3rd/4th and probably part of 5th. But it's okay, it's a Friday. As long as I don't miss first period then all is well. Went to Target today, got two nail polishes there then walked to Sallys and got 12 new salon clips since idk where my three went... and got knew China Glaze nail polish there. I'm hella mad my right hand nails keep chipping and breaking. =( My left is growing back slowly though.. So I painted my nail silver and did like a confetti overlay on them. I need to clean my room before I leave Saturday so Mams can call the maintenance guy to fix my sliding glass door and replace all the lightbulbs and fix the fridge. It's supposed to be HERRA nice on Saturday. I hope the atmosphere is well too.. If you catch my drift. -_-" I mean, I'm excited to see him and all but mehh.. We'll just see what happens. Idk, whatever. My toe nails are this brightass cotton candy looking blue. It's cute. ^_^ Welp, I hope tomorrow goes well. I just need to make it through the day. Then I'm fweee!

May 1: SATs
May (or is it 3-10?)10-17: AP testing
Week after that, study for finals.
First week of June: finals
June 5: SATs (And my birthday! Not that I'm doing anything, lol)
June 12: ACTs

I am a busy girl.

If you know your nigga cheatin and he late night creepin, telephone stay ringin, with the boys every weekend, he be texting, lookin, peaking, makin sure you ain’t seein- then you know THAT NIGGA AIN’T SHIT.

Ohp, Mom is yelling and throwing stuff again. It's gonna be a looong night.

“Your problem is my problem. I don’t care if it’s not my problem to begin with. Whatever problem you have becomes OUR problem, and we’ll work on it together. I won’t be okay until you’re okay. If I have to drop everything to make sure of it, you know I will, because I can’t stand seeing you like that. I want to help you. I want to let you know that everything will be okay.”

It’s like, dude, I really wanted this to work but you had to get your shit together first. And whats worse, I really wanted you to stay but I needed you to leave cause we was fightin everyday.




Either we fightin or not talking at all. Oh well.

My feelings are not a fucken doormat, especially not yours.

You can't keep making me feel this way. I get people need their space because I need my space away from you too but you can't keep expecting me to forgive you for the way you act. You're not doing anything wrong by getting space away from me but the shit you say to me is what you need to be sorry for. Saying you don't care about me when you're mad doesn't excuse you from it later. This bullcrap "You know I was mad so why the fuck you gonna believe me?" UH, MAYBE BECAUSE IT CAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH NICK. WTF? I understand people can say stuff when they're mad but you habitually do it so your anger can't excuse your words anymore. Your typical "that's how I felt at the time" excuse doesn't fly anymore. It's nice to know you don't care though, finally you admit it. "Luhh yous" don't cut it either. You can't fix everything you do with cutesy shit. This shit stresses me out and drives me seriously crazy.

...So, I spent a good few minutes crying and that completely ruined my train of thought. Thankfully, because if I kept typing I probably would've just kept crying some more.

You overlook my feelings way too often. I shouldn't have to apologize for the way I feel. But I feel the need to make sure you're not because even though you tell me not to be scared to ask/tell you stuff, you get so mean about it that it hurts my feelings and I shut down completely.

Sometimes I think you enjoy seeing me upset over you. Go fuck yourself. Smh.

I just made myself torta and rice. WHY DOES EVERYTHING TASTE HALLA BETTER WITH SRARATCHA? Or however the fuck you spell it. I bought some at McKee Oriental and I swear, the bottle will be gone in a week. ^_^ Other than that, just finished crying. It's really hot. I'm cranky. I need a hug. And I wish my dog was here.

We've only known each other a year and we've practically been through a lifetime together. Now, I really want a lifetime with you.

Luckily I had all the ingredients in my house, and it's HELLA yummy! ^_^

Started school at 10:10 today. It was weird being in my classes that late. It was like CAHSEE schedule where we started at 12:00, but it felt later. Haha. Idk, I make no sense. We have STAR testing tomorrow. English part, then periods 2,3,4, and 1. *Reminder: BRING CHEM SHIRT. The quiz for chem was kinda easy.. But knowing me I probably failed it. Which I'm probably gonna do for the SATs too. I'm going to Battle of the Bands the night before with Kevin and I won't be home till probably 1:00am or 2:00am. I know I know, stupid decision.. I need to finish my study guide. Thank god he didn't collect it! Everyone went prom shopping last week. I'm so jealous! I didn't really wanna go, but I knew I would regret not going but no one wants to go with me!! -_- Justin said he'd go if I paid for the ticket. SCREEEEW YOOOOU, haha. It's okay. SATs are that day +the Mosley Mayweather fight. Yayyuh! I really wanna go to March of Dimes on Saturday. =( It's 6.25 miles and it raises money for premature babies. I usually go every year and run the whole thing but I'm seeing my baby this weekend, lmfao. I'm gay. Idk. We'll just see how plans pan out. Since I don't have any homework tonight other than studying, I think I'll make some lemonade and watch Friends DVDs.

So me and Ronnie were talking about pho, then he says he doesn't like tripe. I was all "Wtf, why? Tripe is hella good." and he says because the texture is like pussy. HAHA.

I think I need a goldfish. I have no friends and everyone likes to hurt my feelings. A goldfish can't do that to me. It won't be able to get away because it's in a bowl.

I'm the type that's into "goodbyes" rather than "see you laters." I'd rather cut the person out completely and lose all hope in them instead of holding onto some tiny little piece of hope that we'd somehow in the future run into each other again and make things work.

I miss my Bffl.

Even though the bitch drives me crazy, and I do the same to her because all I ever do now is complain about someone, I miss all the fun we have together.

Tips to Life

Generally speaking I don’t like those “Tips to Life” lists, but I actually these ones:

1.) Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
2.) Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6
3.) Your job and your grades won’t take care of you when you are sick, your friends will- stay in touch
4.) No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up
5.) Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed

You still haven't said thank you. But I guess I'll stop bitching now before I sound "ungreatful." Even though you're the one not saying thank you.

This made me feel better. =)

conniewasnothere (8:54:40 PM): well he shouldn't be pointing them out in the first place!!
conniewasnothere (8:54:46 PM): he should appreciate you regardless.
conniewasnothere (8:54:47 PM): HMPH

My Mom and her friends need to stop requesting me on every social networking site on the planet. It's like, "Do I get no privacy?" I like to keep my home/family life and my social life with my friends as separate as possible. Requesting me on Twitter is a no-no. It's pretty annoying. I'm stuck in the house ALL day again today. I'm thinking of going to my Grandparent's house because I'm pretty bored.

I hate when you say "I love you" and I say it back, then you go "Huh? What? What're you saying? Woaah." It annoys me so bad. >=| I feel like a doofus! Haha.

Obviously I'm not very memorable if you can't even remember to call me back. I mean really.. I just wanted to talk to you for two minutes, and maybe a thank you for sending you the money in the mail but I guess that's too much to ask. You know, to me remembered.

All I've eaten today is dark chocolate and pickles. That's period cravings for you!

“I don’t want to be “sort of dating” someone. I don’t want to be “kinda hanging out” with someone. I don’t want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I’ll see again because they’ve already demonstrated to me that they’re trustworthy and honorable—and into me.”

-He's Just Not That Into You

I hate this because I’m really not okay. All day long I help out my family, my friends, you know whenever they need me. I smile and laugh and pretend to enjoy my day. But I’m honestly such a mess. Some nights lying in bed, I just cry. No one’s around to hear. I can’t take it sometimes. I hate talking about my problems, I’d rather just help someone else. I hate going on like this, like I’m gonna be okay, like things are eventually gonna be okay. Well it’s been so long now and they haven’t gotten better. They’ve gotten worse. I know the saying, that it always gets worse before it gets better, but when does the better part start? Seriously? How much more worse is it gonna get? I hate this. I just want it to stop. I just wanna be okay. I love my family and friends so much and I don’t want them to know I’m such a wreck. I don’t want them to know I’m falling apart. I want their help and comfort so bad but at the same time I want them to think I’m just fine. I don’t know what to do. I just wanna be okay.

You're the best. ^_^ 'Nuff said!

I woke up to the worst bloat and cramps I've ever had. And my legs are just killing me. They're pulsing and they hurt so bad. I feel like yacking and I can't get up. I really need water since I haven't had anything to drink since like 2:00pm but I can't find the strength to get up. My limbs feel like cinder blocks. It takes so much effort to lift them. I'm really hot too. And to top it off I'm coughing because of my allergies and my stomach area and legs hurt soo bad when I cough. It's like I'm dying, no joke. They say birth control is supposed to make this all better but that's a fucken lie. I've been on it for months and if anything it's gotten worse. I'm in so much pain. I don't think I'm going to school tmr. I hate missing tests (and I hate how Hewitt makes her make-up tests different than her original) but I can't take this.

And that's exactly why I fucken hate calling and testing you - when you act like that to me. If you ain't tryna talk just fuckn say so instead of being a dick.

This week has gone by pretty fast. My period has made me like 12x more tired than I usually am. My legs hurt and I'm bloaty and crampy. I went to the post office today and conquered one of my fears of talking to people. It was a pretty cool experience. I know what you're thinking, it's just going to the post office but I thought it was a pretty cool experience.

Life would be way easier if I could completely avoid human interaction. I'm sick of being sad and getting hurt all the time. No one cares how it makes me feel as long as they get what they want. I'm just sick of it. Nothing ever changes. No one ever takes into consideration my feelings. I HATE PEOPLE. I REALLY REALLY DO. EOIFNGEWGNWOGNRG. FUCK EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeaaaaaaaaaah... No... I don't really know about this... I'll believe "solid forever" when I really see it. Until then, my heart is about 20 miles away from you locked in a cage and you are getting nowhere near it. It's pretty hard to trust you. I put everything behind me, but you're still doing stuff that puts more shit in front of me to have to get over. I see stuff or hear stuff or you say stuff that makes me lose all my trust in you. Sometimes idk.. I trust you, then you do something or I find something out that makes me look hella stupid for trusting you..

Thank you for sticking by me. It means a lot.

Don't change, please.

I'm tired of crying myself to sleep. It's really not fun.

Just click it to make it bigger. 2 for 1 coupon at Jamba Juice!

Thank goodness my love is safe! Driving in the rain has been one of my biggest fears and it's so scary having someone you really care about get into an accident because of the rain. I'm just thankful he's safe.. Like, really thankful. I was really scared because I didn't know what happened, but now I know, which doesn't lighten the situation but at least I have the comfort of knowing what happened, but all the same it's a little more comforting. Thank you thank you thank you God that it didn't turn out much worse. <3

Their curly fries are the s-h-i-t.

"The most important relationship you have in your life is the relationship you have with yourself, because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself."

Amongst my top three favorite quotes, this is number 1.

I walk into Spanish and I pick up my poster off the ground and say someone ripped it down and I was joking. And I'm sitting at Caldera's desk and Kevin goes "That picture of him is really bothering me." And we started talking about how I'm not happy then all of a sudden this giant mob surrounds me and starts yelling at me about how I need to leave him. LMAO. It was the funniest fucken thing that's happened to me in forever. I had Caldera, Matteo, Kevin, Kumar, Nick, and Peter all surrounding me telling me I need to leave him and do better. I was dying. I didn't know everyone was so passionate about my love life. This was onenof the "you had to there moments." It made my day.

Yes there's a problem and no I don't feel like talking about it. It's the same old shit. You never do anything about the problem so I don't wanna talk about it, kapeesh? Until you actually wanna do something about it, don't ask me.

It's funny when people ask how I am and they already expect a "I'm fine" or something that isn't like "Oh, I resent the hell out of my family, I'm on anti-depressants, the person I'm in love with treats me like crap and he puts me through hell, I feel like shit every day and I don't feel like I have any reason to get out of bed in the morning because I feel incompetent in school." Is that really what they want to hear? No. But they ask anyways. I just wish people would stop asking me how I am because it's tiring always having to lie. And if you know my situation don't ask if 1) you don't know how you're gonna comfort me or you'll have nothing to say in return, 2) you're gonna tell me someone has it worse off than me. I get that, but I'm not them, or 3) you'll just bring me down even more. It seems like all I do is bitch and moan but really, I'm hurting really bad inside and no one else is gonna listen other than my blog and my therapist.

I'm going through a giant emotional battle right now and I can't have this relationship being a big part of what's making me so unhappy. My home situation isn't something I can change, but this relationship is. As much as it'd kill me to have to leave this unhappiness is something I can fix. I've tried to make this relationship better and have communication with you about how I feel but it's obviously not important to you. I get if you don't wanna be there for me while I'm trying to get my emotions in order, but you can't contribute a huge amount of unhappiness to me then. As much as I'd love it if you were here for me while I'm going through this, to be someone I can confide in about this, I'd get why you wouldn't want to. It's a lot for anyone to have to stick by someone who's going through what I'm dealing with. I just wish you'd be a little more understanding about it. And a little less of an asshole too. It may not be a huge deal to you what I'm going through, but obviously it's impacted me life to the point that it has.

I can't be with someone who makes me so unhappy and feel worthless all the time. I know I'm a good person with a huge heart and a lot to give, even though I can act pretty crazy sometimes, it's always out of love. But when you constantly make me feel like everything I do is wrong, it starts to chip away at my self worth. I know I'm worth more than you make me feel I am. I want someone who's proud of me and appreciates what I do for them and doesn't constantly put me down. People aren't perfect and I know I'm far from it but I can't be doing shit wrong 150% of the time.. You'll say all this stuff to me and about me that's like "Okay.. Well is this what you really think of me? If I'm such a bad person why are you still in my life? Leave then." You can't bring me down and tell me that I'm such a terrible person and not take responsibility for what you said later on. I get people say stuff when they're angry but you can't constantly make that you're excuse. You can't always say "Oh I was mad. You know how I am." I do know how you are. I know that you use your anger as an excuse. Remember that time I said something on my BLOG that made you just go off on me and I had to beg you to not be mad at me? See the imbalance there? It's hard to think you really think of me as a good person when all you do is bring me down. The only nice thing you've ever said to me was that you like the attention I give you. And honestly that was an insult.

Blaah. I need to go to Planned Parenthood to get more pills and get tested. It's just such a hassle going out there and saying I'm doing stuff that I'm really not and then the waiting for my appointment takes forever because they're never on time. I hate going alone, too. It's so scary and uncomfortable but it's something I need to do. I need to go either this Friday or sometime early next week. I need to get tested too. Apparently spotting can mean you could have the clap and that's not a nice thing to have. -__-" I mean, I'd like to think I don't have it, and I'm like 99% sure I don't but it's still comforting to get tested for everything and make sure I'm clean. Or I'd like to hope I am. I haven't gotten my period yet either. I'm pretty sure it's just stress related so it's late. With the million things that have been going on with me lately I'm not surprised it's late. I feel like such a pathetic person. I'm on three different medications. Err, I mean one is for allergies but still. I'm young, I shouldn't be on medicine. Everyday I take my Prozac in the morning with my allergy medicine, then at night I take my pill with my allergy medicine again. Sighh. This is why it's so much easier being alone because no one understands what I go through. It seems like nothing to them because they don't have to live through it everyday.

I remember hella long ago, I think it was probably freshmen or sophmore year when I was at Thi's house and I played COD live with Christian. It's kinda funny how at one point in your life you're hella close to someone and someone thinks you're so awesome (lmao, like my vocabulary?) then in just a little bit of time the entire relationship you had with them completely disintegrates and it's like you guys never knew each other. I remember when he used to text me hella randomly like "I wish I was with you." or "You're beautiful." Like, wtf. Thang didn't even do that, haha. But it's kind of a trip how much a person can really care about you. Idk. I was just flipping through old messages on Myspace and AIM logs from my old SNs and it was really nostalgic. It made me smile in a like "Awe.." Not that I miss them or anything, it's just kinda funny. But now I guess it's back to homework time. I wake up from a three hour nap to find the rest of my family asleep. This always happens to me. -_-"

"California Academy of Sciences features an aquarium, a natural history museum, a living rain forest, a world class research facility all under a 2.5 acre green roof. The structure will house 38,000 live animals and is on track to receive LEED platinum status."

THIS IS THE MUSEUM I'VE BEEN DYING TO GO TO. DYING. EMPHASIS ON THE WORD DYING. DYING.

Sighh.. I have Monday down, just 4 more days to go. We got Quiznos for dinner. I got the classic club, chicken noodle soup, salt and vinegar chips, and iced tea. ^_^ Even though I've been pretty poopy all day this made me feel better haha. And I'm watching the new episode of Family Guy on Hulu. Mm, I hope I feel better. I have therapy again on the 23rd. I'm taking Prozac again. I just wish I didn't have to go back to that, but if it helps..

"Call me a bitch, a dumbass, immature, a joke, or any other degrading name you want. But I will NOT take that shit from you, cause I’M the bigger fucking person & I don’t need to call you fucking names to run away from my goddamn problems."

Idk how I'm going to get through this week. Or much less the rest of the year..

I just can't be happy with you. If I'm spending more time being sad, crying, and thinking if I'd be better off without you, there's something wrong. Not that you give a fly fuck. You're being selfish. I fucken hate the way you treat me. It's not okay.

Can't wait for April Chase to come to our Youtube Concert on May 8th. Holy moly... ^__^

"Once you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom, all you can do is rise up. Don’t be so negative & think down about everything. Things will only get better, so keep your head up & stay strong."

But it's just so damn hard... =/

Okay so I did my debate for English, 1 complete free response for psych, the other free response I did A-C for the question but not D since I didn't understand. Then I was doing bits and piece of both the study guides for APUSH but I'm waay far from done lol. But I'll just turn it in in a couple days. Or something. Other than that, most of my homework is done. Apparently we had math homework though? But whatever. I'll copy Matteo in APUSH.

If you don't really want me, then what do you expect me to do? Sighh..

Tim Ferguson of April Chase... ^_^

I told you all hot boys go to SJSU. He's in the band with Ate Carina. I need to start talking to her again. Teehee. AND he can sing! His voice makes my heart melt.. Lmfao.

Lmfao, do you think I'm an idiot? Just because I don't say shit don't mean I don't know.

Yaaawn. I should be doing homework, since I have two study guides and 2 free response questions to do. But I find myself procrastinating yet again. Ronnie texted me asking me what a pap smear was. -___- And he spelt it "paphshmear." LOL. Really Ronnie? You're 19, 20 next month. Really? LOL. But really...I'm gonna start homework now. >.< Lol.

If you haven't noticed, I don't try anymore. If this relationship is gonna go down the drain and you let it, I know it didn't matter at all to you. I'm tired of trying to make myself feel better for shit you do to me. What I want, what I need, the way you treat me, the reason I'm so sad and unhappy - none of it matters to you because no matter how terrible I feel I still come through for you and you always get what you want. So as long as you get what you want you could careless about why I'm feeling the way I do. You don't have to work for anything. If you want something, no matter what you did to me, you'll get it. But I mean, that's my fault.. I'm tired of talking about it, thinking about it, crying about it. I like forgetting this whole thing even exists. I'm not gonna bother you about how I feel anymore. If you cared, you'd do something about it. But obviously, it's all about what you want and how you want things to be. It's not that I'm keeping my mouth shut for you so YOU'RE happy, I just have no energy to care about someone who doesn't care either. Sighhh.

If you don't care if I leave or stay and I'm so damn replaceable then go. You'll obviously find someone better than me anyways.

So my plans are pretty much (reluctantly) set for college. Since I'll be 16 or just barely 17 when I graduate I'm just gonna go to community college up here, then after two (or three, depending on how impacted community college is) years I'll transfer down to So Cal and finish up my major divisions. I don't want to stay up here, but I know it's the more logical choice. I can stay at home which is easier on us financially, I can just a job, and all that. It's gonna suck having to stay up here but I know that being able to become a little more independent up here is better. Plus being so far away still being a minor is gonna be a bitch because I wouldn't be able to do anything on my own. I'd need my Mom for a lot of stuff so it's easier with her around. Just unfortunately under the same roof as me. I'll probably go to Mission or Ohlone then I'll transfer to CSU Long Beach or UCSD/LA. I haven't decided on a UC (if I go that route). I really want to go to Long Beach though. =( This is just one of those choices you know you need to make in life even if you reeeally don't want to. I'm gonna get a bunch of job apps at the end of May then turn them all on in my 16th birthday, lmao. Hopefully I get a job somewhere. I don't care where. I'm hoping either Zumiez or Footlocker (since they're currently hiring!!) but as long as it pays, I'll do it. The next few months are gonna be cuhraaazy. I have STAR testing end of this month, SATs + AP testing in May, then ACTs and SATs in June. Lord have mercy.

I finally got a new pair of jeans! I saw them at Valleyfair and they were $70 but I went to Great Mall and got the same pair for $35.95 (and that's with tax!) I'm gonna go back again to get the other two that fit me so I have more than two pairs of jeans, lmao. I was really excited about the jeans. And I finally got my TOMS! Only $46! I got them in grey. I want the red, navy blue, and green ones too! They're so comfy! And I love how they donate a pair of shoes to a child in need for every pair of TOMS you buy. Then I finally used my store credit at Forever 21 and bought a tank top thing, bra, and underwear. I'm not really feelin then but hey.. It's whatever. The bra isn't push up like the ones at H&M (I love H&M bras!!) but it's still pretty. I didn't get to go to MAC. Partly because I didn't wanna go and spend more money there. My lipstick and eyeliner can wait, no biggie. But let's see.. This weekend I bought jeans, shoes, bra/underwear, tank top, sweater, MAC, and a lunchbox. Lmao. I'm gonna really start saving from now on though. It's ipad time. >=)

That's if someone treats me a little freakin nicer. Seriously, the things I do for you.

I'm watching a live concert thing and Young Money is doing Bedrock (without Wayne, *sighh) and I never noticed how cute Tyga is.. And how much Drake's voice is orgasmic. If someone came up in my ear with a voice like that....mmm. Too bad he looks like a monkey. AND I HATE NICKI MINAJ. That is all for tonight.

I make myself laugh. I talk about how unhappy I am with our situation and stuff.. but you make me so fucken happy and smiley and giggley and we have the best time together (most of the time, lol). I'm workin on being just plain ole happy because it's not worth losing you over. In time everything will settle and what's meant to be will eventually be.

I officially hate MAC. The eyeliner and lipstick they "recommended" for me is soo ugly on me. $34 wasted!! But I'm going back tomorrow to exchange it for something I really wanted. I got the cutesyest Hello Kitty lunch box today too! It only cost me $9! It was the biggest thing I got, but the cheapest. Lmao. I don't have to bring my lunches around in fucken plastic bags anymore. I really want a Northface backpack though.. It has cupholders on the side. That's honestly the only reason I want one. -_-Maybe I'll ask for one for my birthday, even though I want an ipod shuffle (which is ironically cheaper than a backpack) because I hate running with my phone cos it's so huge. For tomorrow, I will forsure buy my TOMS. I've been wanting them for soo long.. =) And they have them at Zumiez. I will get my hands on a pair damnit, I will. And I haven't really shopped for myself in awhile so it'll be nice. Bffl time.

You don't even kinda know how unhappy I am.

I woke up and the first thing I did was start crying. I'm so fucken sad and unhappy. I don't know how much longer I can do this with you. I wanna be happy with the way our situation is but deep down inside I can't, and I hate it. The thing is you make me ridiculously happy and you really have come a long way over the past year but it's so bittersweet. If one day I just can't take it anymore it'll be so much harder to leave because you did make such an effort for me. If you had just stayed the same way you used to be it'd be easier. I don't wanna leave. I'd lose so much if I didn't have you anymore. I can't even begin to think of how much it'd hurt to not have you in my life anymore but I'm hurting now too and I don't know what to do. I have to face the fact that we have no future. I don't know what the hell you were talking about saying "let's look forward to our future" because as long as we're not together and as long as you don't want be to ever be your girlfriend we have NO future. All we have is this same repetitive cycle. I can't sweep it under the rug and pretend that it's something that doesn't really bother me because it does. I'll pretend it's all okay until one day I just boil over and it all comes back out again but I'm sick of doing that. I don't want this to end over something like this. But at the same time I just don't know how much longer I can do this. This situation is really ideal for you. You get money, clothes, sex, shoes, love, etc whenever you want from me. I feel used. You like the attention you get. Not once have you said one thing you like about ME. If the next bitch had my money or more and wanted the same exact situation and type of relationship you wanted you dip on me with a quickness. I feel like some fucken side thing where you can get all the perks of a relationship without being in one while you go do what you do and you don't gotta deal with none the problems of a relationship because you'll pull the "why you trippen we ain't even together" card on me like you always do. I was fine not knowing when you were gonna ask and just kinda going with it, but I'm not okay knowing you're never gonna ask and that I'll never be more than what I am now and that we have no future. Face it. There is absolutely no future if we continue with whatever the hell we're doing. All I want is a little more security. A little more safety, a lot less uncertainty. I can't ever know anything is forsure with you. You be doing shit and asking/saying shit to me that you don't mean. I mean this in the romantic/relationship way. You don't say let's look forward to our future then tell me I'm never gonna be your girlfriend. You must be kidding me. I'm not dumb. There is no future. Why the fuck ask me if I really wanted to be with you forever if you don't even wanna be with me period? Whenever shit gets complicated all you wanna do is just cut out and not deal with it. So why am I trying to be with a guy who doesn't care what the fuck happens with us? This whole situation we have just feels like a bunch of lies, uncertainty, and inconsistency. And the pathetic thing is I wouldn't trade it for the world.. all because you're in it. 

This is what I'd want to happen to me:

Today I was with my boyfriend and I got my period early. Frustrated, I attempted to find a tampon. Before I even got my bag, my boyfriend was holding out three tampons and asking me "light, regular, or super?" When I asked him why he had those, he said it was because he was preparing for a day when something like this would happen. Not only do I have the best boyfriend/ future husband ever, I now have my own personal tampon dispenser. MLIA.

But in my life, this is what would really happen:
Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me for six months with my best friend of five years. After asking him what she had that I didn't, he responded with one word - "Boobies." FML

I will find my future husband at SJSU. Dwooool.. ;) I'm hungry. But that had no relation to SJSU boys. LMAO.

Can someone please tell me why I always get the guys that "love me" or think I'm "different than any other girl" but just don't want to be with me? Wtf is that?

I don't know why I keep trying to make this "work" when you've continuously told me "I don't want you in my life as my girlfriend." That was the ultimate slap in the face But why am I sad? It's not like I didn't know that. I'm sick of being walked all over, being treated like a doormat, having kept around for what I do and not for who I am. I don't even feel like explaining myself or working on it. I'll obviously never be anything more than your bank account, your fuck buddy, your anything, but never your everything. Smhh..

Today just fucken sucks. I forgot where the Nyquil is and now I'm sad, mad, crying, and most of all bored. Someone shoot me.

One of the many pictures I took of the view yesterday. We still don't know what city that is on the other side.

I had the best, most exhausting, lovely day with my Baby today. ^_^ I woke up at 6:00 so I could straighten my hair so I just put a hat on and whatever clothes were clean. Then I went with my Mom to her lights appointment then got dropped off hella earlier than planned. Then we went to the mall to eat and go shopping for him, of course lmao. =) Then UC Berkley's Lawrence Hall of Science. It was actually pretty cool except the good exhibits were closed. But that view was to die for. It was really breathtaking. Then we went to Fentons, it was really good but it was so much ice cream. After we went to the Oakland flea market where we hunted for those friggin rosaries, which we found and were very nice. We met a cool Mexican kid with cute accent. Haha. Then we went home, where I was about to fall asleep on the bed. We went to the mall to return a shirt, looked at MAC for my lipstick which I couldn't find (or didn't have the energy to really look for), then went to Pasta Pomodoro, and now I'm home. It doesn't sound like we did much but we really did spend so much time together. About 9 hours, =) I wish we couldn't spent the entire entire day together but now since he's driving it's been a lot easier to see each other. Thank god for that. I don't trip about giving him gas money because he's seeing me +he needs it for the week. Good trade off. Our relationship really has come a long way over the past year. It's not quite settled but I know we're on our way. Tankcoo for the luhhly day today baby! (Because I know you'll read this eventually, you blog stalker) I looooove you.

I want. <3

Everyone has just been making me feel so shitty today. I'm done with people today, forreal. I went to work, then my Mom came to pick me up after and all anyone has done to me today is bitch bitch bitch. My Mom's been making some snootyass comments about me going back to therapy. I'm gonna just gonna go off on the bitch if she don't stop. I'm holding back for her but if she pushes me too far I swear on everything she'll get what's coming to her. Thankfully, Bffl and I had a very very good conversation last night about college and boys. It was nice. I have $226 right now. I'll have more before the week is over too. ^_^ I'm gonna dedicate my weekend to homework though so I probably won't go out unless someone asks and it's something fun. I'm still in a shitty mood and idk what to do. I've watched a bunch of movies but I'm not bored to the point I wanna do homework. Bwah.

My Mom and brother just left to go back home. I'm sleeping at Papa and Mama's house tonight then going with them to work tomorrow. They better bring me to Eastridge when we get off because I need to get my nails done and go to Macy's. I finally registered for the May 1st SATs. I don't know if me and Justin are going to prom. And yeah, if I go, he's my date. LOL. Obviously the guys I wanna ask have no interest in going with me so!! I was watchin Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica (for like the millionth time) and I still cry at the beginning when they get married. I'm such a sap. I want a marriage like that (before the divorced lmao). I wanted to go to the salon and get my hair completely dyed and shit because I'm sick of doing it myself. I want something hella different. You know how when you feel you're making an adjustment in your life you change something about yourself? I feel like my hair is holding me back and I wanna change it. Idk though. I don't wanna go blow alla my money. Since you know, I have an iPad to save up for an all.. =)

(I swear, if my birthday present doesn't kick ass there will be hell to pay!)

My family is talking about my college. It's my future, leave it alone.

Church was hella packed today but it went by pretty fast. Chelsea and her family were sitting in front of me and I thought it was her brother sitting next to her but it was Teddy! That's hella cute how she brought him to church with her family. Then they're all going on vacation together. Like how Pai and John went on a cruise with Pai's family. Ugh, so cute it's sickening. Haha.

I think our fights are kinda funny sometimes because most of the time, we can make up in the amount of time it takes you to answer your phone after you hang up on me.

A part of me still doesn't want to believe because what if this is just a big giant lie like all the other times? You can't blame me for this though..

My favorite quote from 500 Days of Summer!

"I think technically the 'girl of my dreams' would probaby have, like, a really bodacious rack, you know. Maybe different hair. Probably - you know, she'd probably be a little more into sports. But, um, truthfully, Robyn's - Robyn's better than the girls of my dreams. She's real."

If only I was going to prom. No, I want these just to have them. $69.95 at Bakers. I want these so bad. =( I need to go shopping for myself for once.

I need to go thrifting! Who says you can't find luhhly buys at a thrift store? =) Belts, bags, sweaters! I wash the sweaters at least 5 times before I use them though, lmao. Germy-phobe. And right now I'm on ebay. I'm not a high maintenance person (sometimes...)!

I will dye my hair before school starts again. I've been hella lagging. How many times have I posted about dying it and I never do? -_- And when I look good (or whatever, lol) I feel good/better about myself when shit bothers me or I argue/get mad at someone.. It's really true, when you're happy with yourself you're an all ready better person and it's easier for you to be happy with people and what's going on around you. So Rikki, get off your lazy ass. (That means start some fucken homework too). I know I want it red, but I don't want something hella unnatural. We'll just see. Since I'll be at Sally's getting hair stuff, may as well get new nail polish. I hella regret cutting off my nails. They're taking so long to grow back and they keep breaking!! I am in such a poopy mood, since yesterday.

I really don't know why I bother anymore.

It's not even that I'm scared to tell you shit, it's what happens after that I don't wanna deal with so I just don't even bother going to you about it anymore. You make me feel like shiiiit.

I wanna take the Amtrak train somewhere with someone and just have a random couple days of fun. Santa Cruz, Monterey, Santa Barbara (I wish!). I don't care. I just wanna take a trip somewhere without my family.

I thought I was looking forward to spending time with my family this weekend and it's definitely not a good time. I guess it was wishful thinking to think that we'd actually have a good time together. It's not even Easter yet either.. We went grocery shopping at the Base with Mama and Papa and Tito. I got stuff to make red velvet cupcakes, some steaks, and non-meat meat! Yay for trying to be healthy. I didn't get as much as I wanted since Papa was there and I knew he'd bitch at me. I can't wait to get the heeell out of SJ and away from these people. Of course I'll miss them but I definitely won't miss the yelling and arguing. I just wanna curl up with some chocolate covered strawberries and watch 500 Days of Summer. At least I'll be doing the second one. I miss my behebh. Smhhh. =( And I won't get to see my Bffl at all during break because she has track. Can this break suck anymore?

I would jizz my pants if someone made this for me. Waffles, fresh strawberries, vanilla ice cream all with drizzled chocolate. Talk about mouth orgasm?!

I just got home from an exhausting day with my love. Twas good, all the fighting, getting lost, and driving included. We went to Valleyfair, got lost, ended up by Silver Creek, found our way back, made up, went to Northface and got him the backpack he wanted, ate clam chowder in a bread bowl (soo nommy), got a car thingy for his ipod at Apple, sat at the bleachers at Piedmont, then he drove me home. I always feel like every time he comes here I make it such a sucky time for him. Idk. I feel like he never has a good time with me when we're here. I feel terrible and that I'm a sucky girl. =/ I hella liked how him and my brother were just chillen in the living room playing Wii, haha. My brother was so sad when he left. Everyone was like "Aw, I wish he didn't have to go.." He's seriously become like a part of my family. No, he is a part of my family. I just hate how I always feel like I do something wrong. I never do something right or that makes him happy. But whatever.. Maybe I'm just being stupid.

HOLY FUCK. I WANT ALL.

Even though it's raining, I woke up really early for no reason, and I have a stomach ache, I get to spend my first day of spring break with my love! =)

Just when I thought things were finally okay...

You tear everything back down. Please stop doing this to me.

This herra reminds me of someone! ^_^ I haven't gotten to watch the whole movie yet, but this quote very much is true (at least for me).

I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with. Or maybe even the greatest person to deal with. But it's good to know that I'm the only one you want to deal with.

It's officially spring break! I seriously did absolutely nothing in all of my classes except for chem, where everyone failed the unit test. Most of the class was cheating. It was soo funny. Tonight I'm just gonna relax, apply for May 1 SATs (late reg, ughh), and just veg. I took the nicest nap. And what was even nicer was I woke up knowing I didn't have homework due the next day. I'm having spam and egg for dinner! Then tmr me and babe are going to Valleyfair where I'm gonna get my clam chowder in a bread bowl, pretzel, AND Tuttimelon. Yeah. And I wonder why the fuck I'm fat. I'm actually kind of excited for Easter. My family hasn't been all together in awhile and it'll be nice to just egg, chill, and baby Miggs will be there! I didn't get to see him today. =( I paid for Mymy's prom ticket. I owe it to the girl, she's been there for me so much and she gives me the greatest advice. It was the least I could do. It was so cute; she was so scared to ask me. LOL. And with her home situation, I didn't want her to ask her Mom because I know how that'll end.

Ooow, I just ate dinner and it tasted odd and now I have a stomach ache. I guess I'll be going back to sleep soon. HAHA. My life is so boring.