Thank you for waking up from your nap (after I called you three times, lmao) just to see me for literally not even two minutes. I wish I didn't have to rush to see you and that we could've spent at least a little more time together I was happy I got to see you at all. I looked shooo grimey but twas all okay because since you've named my morning hair "Sonic" I feel completely comfortable around you haha. I'll see you this coming Saturday. =)

Why He’s Hot:

1.He’s fucking fast. Come on. He’s a speed skater. That means J.R. Celski can put it in HARD AND FAST. Think how good that would feel to have the power of an Olympian in each thrust.

2.He’s built like a Greek God. Damn, did Michaelangelo carve him? No, he carved himself? HOT DAMN. And don’t forget that those muscles come from long hours of exercise, which means STAMINA AND ENDURANCE. That’s right. This athlete can undoubtably keep going at you all night long.

3.He can overcome. During the Olympic trials he survived a six inch gash to the bone that if it had gone any further would have hit a major artery and killed him, and slashed all of those beautiful muscles. While the doctors told him walking would be hard to regain, he recovered fast enough to make the games and won a bronze medal. Come on, you know you’d suck his dick and run your tongue down his now fully healed scar just for that. If he can overcome a gash like that, he can do anything for you.

4.He’s intelligent. This isn’t some dumb jock with a hot face and nice body. This is a highly intelligent guy with a hot face and damn sexy muscular body. Yeah, he can string sentences together, but even more he’s going to California-Berkeley after Vancouver. He’s got plans so you can spend your days in luxury and your nights cheering for him long after the crowds are gone.

5.That baby face. This is a boy you can bring home to mamma. And while she’s fawning over his baby face she won’t even question what you are doing off alone when actually he’s got you up against a wall trying not to scream as he gives it to you deep.

Only person on the planet I'd do no questions ask. <3>

This is the bathing suit I want! It's $70 for fabric that just covers my chest, my butt, and my crotch. But it's so nice! I've gotta start doing more crunches because my stomach is fucken fat and I'd look pregnant in that bathing suit. >=O

I really really hate the way you can get when you're drunk. But whatever.

Of course... Of course I'm getting yelled at and treated like I'm the fucken worst thing to happen to the world. Of course I am. My Mom thinks she's fucken Superwoman. I DON'T THINK OF YOU LIKE THAT. NEVER HAVE. I've always depended on my Grandparents for everything I need. When I need clothes, food, money I go with THEM. When my Mom and I go grocery shopping for the house I don't buy nothin on her dime that I don't need. I buy shit to make my own food cos she sure as hell don't ever cook. UGH. I just finished eating so I feel a little bit better. I'm still deciding whether or not I wanna stay at my Grandparent's house till next Sunday. I'll decide tomorrow. I'm just really mentally and emotionally tired and everyone is irritating me..

I sound ungreatful and rude but whatever.

I've been having the hardest damn time tryna get my ass out of bed this past week. I set my alarm, I hear it, then don't wake up till an hour later. Idk if it's because I'm sick or I was just so used to getting up at 9am from break. Either way...16 weeks left of school and 7 weeks left till spring break. I hope I can watch Alice in Wonderland next Saturday! I'm shoo excited! It's in 3D too, which means I'll look like an idiot with my two glasses on but whatever!! Too excited for this movie!! Tonight is gonna be my night in.. I'd say I'd start on some homework but I know I won't. It's hot dog, chili, and rice tonight. ^_^ Gonna eat in my bed, watch a movie..nioce. Hopefully I'm goin out tomorrow night. First library to finish up our project, out with Cameron hopefully?, then perhaps meet up with Ronnie for a little bit if he actually comes through...and if I'm not lazy/feel up to it. So many people have been asking me if I'm okay or if there's something wrong with me this entire week. I don't feel any different, other than I'm coughing up a lung every 10 seconds. I guess I've been really quiet and to myself, which isn't anything new..., but idk. My Mom is mad at me again for I don't even know why, nor do I give a crap. So anywhoo.. Movie time for moi.

I got college brouchures in the mail today! ^_^ None of the colleges I requested though.. But still, it's the begining of an exciting road for me. I requested HPU three weeks ago and I still haven't gotten anything from them. *Sigh. I'm definitely not going to any of these three schools but I'm still so excited! I figure I'll take the SATs on my 16th birthday since plans have changed and I'm not gonna be doing anything on that day anyways. Lmao, what a loser.

I'm losing my voice. I did a lot of talking/yelling today though so.. Haha. I woke up with the biggest headache and every time I coughed it felt like someone was bashing my head in. I finished the chem worksheet that was handed out! It was soo easy I was doing it in APUSH. I have a D in chem right now but that's because there's only three things in the gradebook and I failed the test, haha. My appointment for meeting with my counselor to turn in my senior year schedule is at 8:30am on March 30. Why did I get the last day? -_-

So I'm gonna take:
1) English 4AP
2) Photo 1
3) Physiology
4) AP Biology
5) AP Biology
6) (AP?) Gov/Econ.

I'm definitely not taking math next year; I can't take 7 classes anymore because of the budget cuts and I don't care what my Mom says. Smh. I need to do Crowther and APUSH study guide but I'm so tired. I wanna nap but I know I probably won't wake up. Vickie needs to send me the stuff on School Loop, agh. I'm gonna make a bag for Mymy so she has nice clothes to wear while she's going through her stuff right now.. She's going through so much right now, she knows I'm here for her no matter what and the least I can do for her after all she's done for me is get her some clean clothes. =) I've been in pretty good mood today. I hung out with Adam most of the day. He tried getting me to cut 6th and go smoke with him and Jordan. I said no! Lmao. He took my $5 though.. -__- Kristen came up to us and said he's taking her to prom and he said ok. No! That's my only option for a date! If not then I'm not going! Haha. I'm really tired.. I need to do homework. *Sighh.. I'll go blog later.

On that note, goodnight.

“She began now to comprehend that he was exactly the man who, in disposition and talents, would most suit her. His understanding and temper, though unlike her own, would have answered all her wishes. It was a union that must have been to the advantage of both. By her ease and liveliness, his mind might have been softened, his manners improved, and from his judgment, information and knowledge of the world, she must have received benefit of greater importance.”

— Pride and Prejudice

Even though milk gives me a stummy ache...it's cereal and milk time. I really should start my Crowther paragraph because I don't understand it to save my fucken life.. But I've run on an hour of sleep before. Plus make-up does wonders for puffy eyes from crying and lack of sleep. Hawaii Pacific University still hasn't mailed me my brouchure. I was bored in Spanish today so I decided to make a list of where I wanna apply.. Loyola Marymount, CSU Long Beach, CSU San Marcos, San Diego State University, University of San Francisco, San Francisco State University, and Samuel Merritt. I really hope I get into a So Cal school. >.< I need to get out of the Bay. Most of my colleges have different majors I'm gonna apply for too, haha. I'm really, super juiced to get the hell out of high school and move on and away from all of this stuff that doesn't interest me. It's not that I'm running away from my problems/things that hurt me.. But I need my own space away from everyone and everything. College is gonna be like my start over "do me" time. I can't believe I'm stuck with a whole nother year of high school.... I think I may just burn the place down when I graduate, gahh.. Lol. Toodles Blogspot, I need to do homework/eat.

I'd definitely rather be miserable alone than miserable with someone I love. I just wish I had an answer, seriously.. I just wish that I could wake up tomorrow and be like "Yes, I know he wants to make things work with me." or "I know that we're done and I don't have to worry about him calling me anymore." If you wanna step, get to it. You need to make a decision; all this waiting is making me sick. Maybe you're not the person who can give me what I want. What I want is to know I've got someone's heart like that. I miss being someone's something. Maybe that's a fantasy but I'm determined to feel like that. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and know that my boyfriend's still got feelings for me. For once, just once I'd like to know what it's like to be put first. I'm constantly giving. For once I just want you to be like "Here Rikki, this is what I'm gonna do for you today." when I see you. I'm fine being the giver. It's part of my nature and who I am, but I deserve the reciprocity. I deserve a little extra something once and awhile. I don't ask for or need it constantly. I'm not the type to ask for my man's attention 24/7. I understand he's got a life, I understand I'm not always his source of entertainment, love, attention, fun, etc throughout the day but I want to know for a fact that I'm his something. You babe, have a terrible way of showing I'm your "something." You don't know how much it meant to me hearing you say that you'd be sad if you lost me. But of course you "ain't no sucka." Just a little way of reassuring me you fucken care is all I asked from you. I don't ask for much from you, just to know that I mean something. But maybe that's too much for you. I'll be okay if you're not the spontaneous guy of my dreams. I'll be okay if you never do any of that stuff for me. All I want is a "Hey, you're special to me. Don't forget that." You're not the open with your emotions type, but I need to hear/be told that once and awhile if you don't show me through your actions. Maybe I'm needy or clingly or whatever, but being the person I am that's what I need from you. I don't want you to say that you don't wanna do this with me anymore then two weeks later get a text message or a call from you. I am not havin it. I don't do breaks. If you want it to be over then let it be over and I won't look back. That's not how I want it to be though.. When I'm around you you put the biggest smile on my face. You give the best, warmest hugs ever that make me feel so safe and secure. I love when you rub my skin because it gives me goose bumps. I'm always happy when I'm around you, even when we're arguing or having a bad time together. I've never been so happy I've had someone in my life before. I feel like I have everything I need in a person all wrapped into one. You are who makes me happiest. You know how to do it without even trying. Laying down in bed with you has got to be the best because I feel safest, happiest, the most secure, the most loved and cared about when you've got your arms around me. I fight to get how you feel out of you and that does damage to our relationship. I'm sorry I do that but I can't be happy if you never tell me how you're feeling. I honestly feel in my heart you're the person I want to spend a looong time with. I'm in love with you inside and out, through all we've been through. I don't want you to beat yourself up over the crap you've put me through. I want you to just get over it and move forward with me. I keep bringing it up because I feel stuck. As long as you want a future, something more than just this with me and you're trying to make it work and you're happy then all that's in the past. I really feel like we can make it through this...as long as it's what you want too. I want you to figure things out, I want you to find happiness. There's one thing I can promise you though, if you want this to work, deep in your heart and you truly want me around then I'll promise to stick this out with you. Only if you honestly want that. I'm still gonna be the super solid chick that you have now, just 10x better and more understanding than I'm being right now. I just want your attention that badly I guess that I'm being super clingy about it.. But I wouldn't be like that if you showed it a little better. But anyways.. I promise you'll still have me no matter what. If I made it through this past year with you I can make it through another one. We'll be us, but 10x better. I'll still be your girl through you trying to find happiness within yourself. I'll still come over, we'll still hang out, I'll still give you whatever you need whenever, I'll help you with anything and I'll do my best to be my best...but you'll only get my best if I'm really who you want to be with. If not I'm turning my back on this and I won't look back. That's devastating for me to even think about. But I won't put myself through it again if I'm not what you want. Let me just say one more thing.. Babe, you're really my happiness. You're like an extention of me. We can be happy together when you're happy with you. I honestly believe that with everything in me. Like I said before, through all we've been through I just couldn't leave because you've got my all. But don't you dare ever take that for granted. Ever. I can't wait to see you next Saturday despite the crazy past few weeks because even though we fuss, we fight, we argue and we say we're over, when we're together it all seems fixed. And if, God forbid this is the end of us, I want to spend one last day together, trying to work things out, and leave knowing I did my damnest. Regardless of how you feel about me, I love you through and through upside down and underwater because you really are the best.

Vickie is too cute ^_^

Me: He's hot. Let's run a train on him, Vickie!
Vickie: But why would you want to run him over....

I keep expecting something to happen when I know it won't so I don't know why I'm bothering to wait around. Smh..

My morning and nightly sit-ups are dedicated to getting a stomach like that. If I turn to the side my stomach looks like I'm 6 weeks pregnant.

-__-

I LOVE THIS. IT MADE ME LOL. HAHAHA.

K so I was just watching Will & Grace and I was leaning my chin in my hand and my arm was resting on the edge of the desk and all of a sudden my wrist spazzed and it gave and I crashed face first into the edge of my wooden desk...with my mouth open and my gums are bleeding. I'm pretty sure I knocked some teeth too. =( Just thought I'd share that one last incident with my loyal readers (Hi Ronnie, Connie). Lmao. Goodnight Blogspot.. Sleeping without a goodnight yet again.

I hate assuming that you care about me, assuming that you love me, assuming that I matter. You can show it through you actions a million different ways, but if I don't feel it from you then those actions mean nothing. Your actions feel empty to me, like there's something missing. I just hope things get better and that sometime soon we finally get to a good spot in our "relationship" because just thinking about it not working.. It breaks my heart.

TOO MUCH EMOTION WITHOUT NO DEVOTION.

Enough fucken said..

Bffl just left. I'm attempting to do my research paper, I'm slooowly making progress. I'm doing the research part right now. I don't think I'm gonna go to school tomorrow because this cough is killang me. I keep playing with my lipstick. ^_^ I need to stop putting it on for no reason before it runs out. In my attempt to not do homework I'm putting on make up. Lmao. I'm gonna finish my research paper, then veg and do my nails +watch Will & Grace because my head is killing me (I almost wrote my killing me is head). My Mom has been in an usually good mood the past few days. When Bffl was leaving she was all "So I guess that means Rikki is going up there next time." Yes! I hope this weekend. >.< NEVER get L'Oreal Telescopic Mascara. It's the worst mascara I've ever used. Bare Minerals Flawless Definition is 10x better. I mean well duh it is Bare Minerals, it should be. I need to clean my make-up brush too. It goes on super clumpy now. I love Target brand brushes, they work really well. Omg, yesterday when I was shopping with my Mom before Bffl came over we were at Victoria Secret and we were passing the thongs section and she was all "You're weird, you don't wear thongs." I had the O__O face on. Just a year ago she said was saying I'm too young to wear them now she's like, encouraging me or something. LOL. It was sufficiently hilarious. I've come to the conclusion H&M has the nicest bras. Anywhoo.. I'm gonna paint my nails now. I don't feel good at all. =( I wanna go back to MAC. I have too much fun in that store.

I spent a lot today. I haven't spent that much on myself in the longest time.. -__- I feel really bad, lmao. I got three racerback tank tops (black, grey, and olive green), light blue leggings, 5 underwear, 500 Days of Summer, Pretty Please MAC Lipstick (I'M SO FUCKEN HAPPY. Even though they didn't have my Honeylove *sigh) and there's someone's iTouch case right there! Haha. Oh, and I got a nice bra. It cost $15... I was shopping from like 1:00 to 10:00pm. Bffl came over so we ended up going out again. I hella love the lipstick I got. I feel bad for making my Mom drive us hella places and she gave me money to replace the money that got taken. She spent hella money on me today. I feel really bad. =( I don't think I'm gonna ask to go to Hayward till March 6. That's only like two weeks? Err, I suck at math lmao. But it's less than two weeks I think. I'm really tired thoough. I'm definitely not going to school Monday cos I feel sick +I need to finish work. I'm exhausted. Goodnight.

You don't get too deep into things, and that's okay because you let me be the crazy one.

It meant the world to me that you came by today. =) It wasn't for long and I wish you could've stayed a little bit longer but the 20 minutes we got to spend together were great. You got to see my room! Haha. It's not as decorated as I wish it could be and it was so messy but you didn't mind. It was really surreal having your over. It didn't really set in. It made my day though. It was good clean genuine fun. From finishing my chocolate covered strawberries to taking really ugly pictures on my webcam - twas the greatest. Now everytime you call our picture shows up. That meant I actually had to save your number in my phone, lmfao. I wish you remembered to give me my card. =( Idk how many different ways I can say how greatful I am that you saw me today and that I even have you in my life. Pain in my ass, but you're still the fucken best. I suck at describing in words how great you make me feel.. Blah! But you know.

Out of all the people in the world I know that forsure I can depend on my grandparents for anything and everything. I know I can depend on them above anyone else in my family. They've always showed me how much they loved and cared about me and have shown me that they'll do whatever it takes to make me happy. They haven't exactly made the best choices that would've benefited me, they've placed my family on the back burner many times, but for some reason I feel I can depend on them more than my Mom. I can talk to my Mom more about certain things, but my Grandparents are more loving (openly) than my Mom. My Mom was never really the hug and kiss your kid type and I always got that, and still do, from my Grandparents. They're so nice.. =)

If she says she loves you, you better know she does. If she makes makes plans for you and cancel out on her friends, she loves you. If she does everything and anything just to see you she loves you. Now I don’t understand how you can just do her like that. “Stick with your entree and get over your sides.” Didn’t your mom teach you better? To take care of your girl and make sure you dont hurt her, treat her with respect and give her what she needs. We don’t ask for much. Love. trust. honesty.

After all my family puts me through they're seriously lucky I haven't gone complete apeshit and had a mental breakdown because of them. I have so much resentment towards them, especially my Mom. I just don't like being around all of them at once or most especially, my Mom and my brother together. She becomes a completely different person whenever he's around, suddenly everything that goes wrong is my fault. She says I'm too mean to him and that's why our relationship isn't that great. I'm "mean" to him because I feel I need to be his fucken Mother. Maybe if she acted like a mom once and awhile she wouldn't be so "stressed out." She lets him get away with murder. She always says how she does alll this stuff for me. Uh, I do my own laundry, I clean my room/my bathroom, I cook for myself 80% of the time. Her version of dinner is fast food because she's "so tired." Tired doing what? I understand being a single parent is hard, but it's not like she cleans the apartment. It's a fucken stye. It's disgusting. It's not like there's food and shit rotting everywhere, lmao. It's more just junk - toys, paperwork, clothes, etc. It's still embarassing though. She says we never pick up after ourselves, or no, this is my favorite... My brother cleans up more than I do. If he cleans more than me how come I hear you bitching and screaming at him because you stepped on one of his toys or his games, hm? Shut the fuck up. I'm tired of being this obedient daughter to someone who isn't a fucken Mom. I honestly attribute our disagreements to our different parenting styles. I understand he's not my son, but when she's done cussing him out because he doesn't understand his homework who does he come to in tears begging for help on his work? IT'S ME. I STAY UP UNTIL 1AM WITH HIM WHILE YOU SIT ON YOUR ASS WATCHING TV LOCKED IN YOUR ROOM. I don't fucken have to do that but I do because I don't want him going through the bullshit you all put me through. What Mom tells her kid to "SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR 2 FUCKEN SECONDS WHILE I TRY AND PAY FOR THE FUCKEN GROCERIES WILL YOU?" in public? Who does that? Oh, my fucken Mother.

We've always had really bad living arrangments from everyone sharing a bed, sharing a room, 1 bedroom apartment, now finally 2 bedroom apartment. I've never had the ideal, steady life like everyone else and I want my brother to have that. My Mom and my brother have shared a room/bed ever since he was a baby since our living situation was always really hard. I was always the one who got the actual room because she didn't want us sharing since we were the oppisite sex and she said I needed my own space. Now he's developed this over-attachment to my Mom. He seriously can't even watch TV in the living room without her there. Or when he showers, since he showers in her bathroom, she HAS to be in the bedroom with the bathroom door open so he's not alone. That's not healthy.... When I was in therapy she even told my Mom she needs to clean that room so he can sleep on his own. That's the whole reason we HAVE two bedroom apartment is so each kid has their own room. But does he sleep on his own? Nope. They share the fucken futon couch in the livingroom. She's tried to get him to sleep on his own twice and each time he wakes up at 2am or 3am crying and they end up sharing a bed together. His psyche is already fucked, there's not fixing that. He's gonna be one of those weirdo kids that has attachment and spactial issues with people. The boy is fucken 9 years old... I've even tried cleaning that room for her and she just gets mad saying she'll do it herself. Does she? No. I'm tired of being the person that tries to make everything better for everyone else then gets the finger pointed at them.

Today, my brother was on the computer and apparently the keyboard kept trippen out on him when he was about to win his game. So angry and in tears screaming he goes to my Mom and says "MOM!! THE KEYBOARD IS MESSED UP!! EVERYTIME I'M ABOUT TO WIN A MISSION IS MESSES UP!! WE NEED TO BUY A NEW KEYBOARD TOMORROW!!" "It depends on how expensive they are. You guys love wasting my money." "THIS IS ALL ATE'S FAULT!!!! IF SHE DIDN'T MESS IT UP!!!!!!!!" No one ever defends me, for anything. It hurts my feelings. I understand he's a kid and he's mad but someone needs to tell him he's wrong. When I've tried to in the past that's when my Mom decides to come and intervene and yell at me. Great, huh?

These people have put me through so much. The weekly therapy trips, being on medicine, harming myself. That's not okay. And my Mom even asked "Am I doing anything to you that's making it worse?" and I started to say "Well when.." and here she goes, thinking she's Supermom "OH. SO I'M A BAD MOM HUH? WHY DON'T YOU JUST STAY WITH MAMA AND PAPA IF I'M THAT BAD." And I shut down. I have to put up a front with my Mom because I just can't be honest with her without her taking her anger out on me. Well maybe if you just calmed down and listened to me tell you how I felt..

I think this is why I try to make my relationships with guys so perfect and the reason I act the way I do in them. I'm a product of my environment, everyone is. And my environment sucked..

I don't know what to do anymore.

Whenever I'm feeling down about what's going on at home you get so insensitive about it.. I'm not resiliant, I can't just 'get over' things like you tell me I should. 'Man up' is what you tell me. I just can't do that. I've been beat down so far. It hasn't been easy for me to get back to where I am now. I don't need you to baby be, I just wanna know that you're there for me to listen. You can't do anything about it I understand, but that doesn't mean you have to be so mean about it. I get the whole "tough love" thing, but you just come off so mean about it.. I don't need your help, I just want you to listen once and awhile. You don't need to talk, just let me vent it out to you. No one else understands and I have no one else to go to about it other than you. You understand what I go through. It may not seem that bad to you but obviously it hurt me bad. But before you go and start calling me weak again..I'm strong damnit. If I wasn't I wouldn't have gotten back to where I am now. Can't go anywhere else but up.. I'm pretty content, but every now and then my depression settles back in. That's what I need you.

Dear Gemini, you really will need to open up your perspective if you expect things to go well and happy in romance. This is a time where whether you are single or attached, a little spiritual injection will do your love life a world of good. You should try to seek a more spiritual or esoteric answer to your romantic questions today.

My horoscopes are scary sometimes, lmao.

It makes me laugh to see grown as women (I count college students as grown) typing like this: "get`n mah lil sis @ da h0use then g0in` to the ladiiies f00tball game.! dnt f0rget.!!" OMG. What person types like that? And you're in college? I'd hate to see what your papers look like. -_- That's some middle school shit right there.. You talk about bein grown, start by typing like it. Jeeez.

It's true.. All I know how to do is start a fight. :( It's only because I miss you.. And you know that. I bother you and make you mad because even though it's not good for us, we're interacting. That's screwed up thinking I know but nothing's better than talking to you behbeh! Muahah. Okay, that made me laugh but anywhoo.. The whole long distance thing sucks and the only contact we really have on a daily basis is talking on the phone and it just makes me so happy hearing your voice and talking about whatever with you. But I know I can be a little clingly sometimes.. Okay, maybe more than sometimes.. I hate to admit it because it makes me feel crazy psycho and that you'll leave me but I'm trying to work on it. I just get jealous. BAD. I know I shouldn't but I do.. And it doesn't help the shit you pulled yesterday that upset me quite a bit. Hopefully you're not too irritated at me. I just wanna talk to you about it. Maybe I'll call you when you get out of school. I ruin everything smh.

*I blame my period for my crazy emotions! They're worse than normal. Fuck you Mother Nature.

My period SUCKS. I've thrown up twice already today and I can't move it hurts shooo badly. =( Not to mention I'm emotional as hell..

It came up in conversation with Mymy about whether or not the person you're having sex with (you're also romantically involved - "talking", boyfriend/girlfriend, etc) actually wants to have sex because it's you and they want to engage in that physical act with you because they have feelings involved, or do they do it just because you're their lady/man/boyfriend/girlfriend and they want to get that urge off. I mean it would suck if you asked someone that and they say "Well, because we're 'talking'/going out of course I'm gonna have sex with you. It just so happen I care about/like/love you." It makes you feel like they don't care who they're having sex with and how they feel about you doesn't matter when you're doing it. It makes you feel like you as a person and those romantic feelings have nothing to do with it. It seems like you're not different than some late night hype they call up whenever they're in the mood to fuck. Uhh, if that's the case then ouch. I want the "I'm having sex with you because I want to AND because you're the person I'm in love with" not "I'm having sex with you because I'm in the mood and you just so happen to be the person I'm in love with." I think those feelings such be first and the desire to have sex proceeds it.. The fact you're in love with someone should go hand in hand with your desire to have sex with them, not secondary. But hey.. I only have one basis for comparison but that's how I feel about that. I just don't understand how someone, no matter how horny you are, could just call someone you don't care about just to fuck. One night stands and late night hypes and drunken hook-ups with people disgust me. Your body is a temple, treat it like one.

I admit, sometimes I'm not the easiest person to please. As much as I tell myself I'm laid back and easy going, I'm really not. I complain a lot. I point the finger without realizing my own mistakes. I'm uptight and want things done a certain way. I'm a control freak and perfectionest. I make things that should be simple, really, overly complicated. I'm an overanalyzer. When I meet someone, I give them my complete trust and when they break it I blame them as if it was really their fault. If I didn't let them in I wouldn't be hurt. Rarely do I take things face value. I don't remember that last time I was relaxed. My mind is always on a million different things. Underneath all that.. I know I'm a great person. I may be complicated but my intentions are always good for those who've never intentionally hurt me. Even to those who're close to me that've made my life Hell I give them nothing but my respect, love, and loyalty. I'm kind and caring. I try to treat those close to me as best I can although it doesn't always seem like it. Anyone who's willing to see through all of my mess and look at that good things I can do.. Well good for you. But I don't need you to see all that because I do. I'm happy with my own messed up version of myself.

It's annoying when people say they're gonna do things for you and they don't follow through... It's always the people that you're closest too, too. It's shit like that that makes me really want to be alone. I hate depending on people to begin with and I prefer doin shit on my own but from time to time I let people do things for me...and they just don't follow through on their shit. It just makes me hella mad because I actually believed someone was gonna do something for me and then they just leave me hangin. I fucken guess. But what's new?

Last night's talk with Mymy was great! She's the only person that understands what goes on in my "relationship." She gets all the aspects of it from the arguing, jealousy, distance, etc. It's so easy for me to talk to her about it. I'm so lucky. Thank you, Mymy! =) We talked for almost two hours, err maybe a little over. We came up with a bunch of questions to ask Thaison and him but we ended up forgetting most of them. Lmao. We cry to each and bitch to one another about our stupid boys and we don't feel like we're bothering the other person. I know I feel like I bother other people with it most definitely. -_- Thank God for you Mymy. Idk what I'd do if I didn't have her to talk to and get advice from. Not to mention share tips.. Muahah!

What should I give up for Lent? I may not be a devout Catholic but I still try to practice some of traditions. These 40 days are meant to give something up that matters. People are giving up stupid shit like soda, candy, rice, or even stupider... procrastination. -_- When I think Lent, I think giving something up that's "sinful." I don't know what to give up. I've gotta make a decision by tonight!

I'm a pushover.

For some reason, I’m always the one left hanging, especially relationship wise. I would always go out of my way to make the person happy and keep it that way usually not having my actions returned to me. It’s not that I mind, it would just be nice to be appreciated once in a while. Then I get taken advantage of because people know how I am and I get stepped on and used for their own personal gain. I don’t mind though? It’s just shady because whenever I ask them a favor, they try to dodge it however they can despite all I’ve done for them. Leaving me hanging once again. Yeah, I don’t mind though. I truly just want my friends, loved ones, and everyone around me happy and satisfied. Even if I end up the one hurt.

"No Woman is an Island"

I beg to differ. I'm an island. And much as it may seem like I let another person in, I have a huge wall up. I don't like relationships because they all end in disaster. Call me cynical but I just don't trust the good intentions you say you have. What have you done to prove to me they're "good" at all? Nothing.

In an unusally good mood today. I wish I was out though. =( But putting laundry away is just as good!

Too much pride to crack. Too much. My stubborn ass would much rather go days without talking to you than coming to you. I hate that about myself but whatever.

Never fail to make me feel like the fuck up child.

Snowboarding is so intense, lol. I don't know how many times I fell. I was starting to get the hang of it though till my knee started to really hurt. =( I'm definitely not a snow person and if I had the choice I still wouldn't have gone here but whatever. Haha. At least I did something "snow-y." I saw Johnson and hella PHHS people +Katherine. I watched Twilight for the first time, too. It was so sad. ^_^ It made my heart melt; how gay. Not to mention I wouldn't mind having Robert Pattinson biting my neck. We're gonna bake pizza for Justin's birthday then we're leaving around 8ish tomorrow. Thank God. I miss home. This vacation was typical though. Arguing, annoying, crying, yelling, etc. I'm not looking forward to cleaning the cabin before we leave though. It looks EXACTLY like the house the Cullens live in in Twilight no joke! I think I'll watch Toy Story 2 now.. There's nothing else to do.

OFF TO BOREAL TO GO SNOWBOARDING. HELL YEAH!

I may not believe in Valentines Day but it's still nice to celebrate it to some extent, even if that means I only get a mushy text message or sweet phone call. That's Valentines enough for me.

My one week break is probably going to consist of:
Sunday - Tahoe, homework
Monday - Tahoe, homework
Tuesday - Home, homework
Wednesday - Time of the month starts =( Hopefully I'll be done or close to being done with homework by this time
Thursday - Hopefully Hayward!
Friday - If not Thursday, then hopefully Hayward today!
Saturay - Catch up on sleep
Sunday - Rest

What a boring break. I think I'll watch some movies online now since I have nothing else to really do.

I have no problem being alone. I actually prefer it. I've just adapted this way and I like it. But I also love being "with" someone. But if we need to break up I mean I don't want it to happen but things need to happen if they need to happen, it's just the moments and hurt that lead up to it are what really kill me.

You're acting really weird and being super shady. I don't wanna deal with it. I know it's my fault I assume the worst but what do you expect me to do? Think that everything is okay then find out the worst? I'm the type of person to just completely pull away from the relationship when I feel like I'm being pushed away first. I guess it's a matter of me thinking that I won't get hurt but in the end I just get hurt either way. To me it's like "Oh, you think you can fuck me over first? We'll see about that." and I just completely shut down and pull away. I won't talk, I'll ignore phone calls and texts and alla that. I start to cut you out of my life, and if you say something about it then that's when I start the process of letting you back in again. It's a vicious cycle. It's so inconsistent. I don't feel "a part" of anything with you. I feel like it's just you, and I'm kinda there. I sound needy as fuck but I guess that's what I am. I want SOMETHING solid, SOMETHING forreal. Something I know is for sure. You asked me "You know I love you right? You know that you're the love of my life." I shut down at that very moment because I don't believe you. I didn't say anything and you asked me "Yes or no?" and I said yes because that's the answer that wouldn't get me in trouble. But you wanna know something? I don't believe you. I mean.. I understand you bring me into you house, you let me sleep in your bed, and we do all these things together but maybe I'm just not letting myself believe you because I don't trust you. A successful anything is built off of trust and I don't trust you. I start to believe you mean all the things you say but then something happens and all that just crumbles down and I have to start all over again. There's a difference between mattering to someone and being in love with them. I mean, I guess I have to matter to some extent because you do do the things you do with me but I'm just so used to being screwed over and lied to that it's like, "well what reason do I have to believe you?" I don't know how to let myself believe you. Maybe I'm just waiting for something that'll be like the slap in the face I need to realize that you really do care. I don't know. I guess you wouldn't have stuck around as long as you have but me being me, I'm being impossible as usual. I wish things could just be simple and flat out in your face. I have problems, I get it.

I really don't wanna be here. I'm pretty sure my random outbursts of crying has to do with the fact I'm PMSing but I still really don't wanna be here. The boys and Tita Che are outside playing in the snow and my Mom and Mama and Paulo are just in the living room. As for me... I'm being antisocial like I normally am around my family and I'm hiding in one of the rooms. I brought Twilight so I could watch it since I know that I won't be doing shit for the next three days. I don't plan on leaving the cabin because I hate the snow plus I didn't even bring the right kinda shoes. I brought cloth Vans, ha! So they can't force me unless they wanna go out and buy my snow shoes, which I won't let happen because why spend so much money on a pair of shoes I'm only gonna wear once? I'll just do homework. I hate sleeping in beds of people I don't know.. Like hotels and stuff, I get really uncomfortable because idk how clean they are and stuff. Ugh. I brought my own pillow but I don't know if I wanna use it because what if their germs transfer onto my pillow?! Haha. I'm always so paranoid about this kinda stuff. I hope these three days go by faster but I'm not counting on it. Everyone's been arguing so it'll just upset me even more and make the days go by slower.. I really wish I wasn't here. I know I sound so ungreatful right now but it's not that. I just don't like spending time with my family like this. I told them repeatedly that I don't want to go, that doesn't mean I'm not gonna try to enjoy myself but I just would much rather not be here. I should've brought IT. I didn't get to finish it last night. That movie is so long. -_- Anywhoo.. I think I'm gonna go to sleep or something. I don't feel like being awake and dealing with all of this shit I'm feeling. *sighh..

Really annoyed with you. Sometimes I think we would've just been better off you not even calling me. I could've survived the night without our 15 minute conversation of silence.

I like the "Why Men Marry Bitches" one too! They're hella funny and hella true. Spy my Britney Spears poster in the back? ^_^ Lol. My index finger looks hella creepy..

Idk if I'm PMSing or what, but I'm really fucken pissed off at you. Maybe it's another one of my "I remember how much I miss you so I'm mad" moments like you know I go through, but I'm really fucken angry at you. No point in bringing it up cos you don't give a crap. I don't even bother talking to you. If you don't talk to me first then oh well. Guess we aren't gonna talk.

Sometimes I don't fucken understand you.

LOL @Bffl's blog about sharing me. Excited for her to come here on the 20th so we can have an adventure. It may not be as great as our usual ones because San Jose SUCKS, but we make the best of it here. ^_^

Bitch shut ya trap already. If you don't give two fucks about me then calm YOUR coochie down. Silly bitches these days... Always here for my entertainment. ^_^ I'm a simple girl. Things like that don't happen to me often so when it does it's exciting.

Someone who'll sit around an airport with me just to people watch for hours on end. Hello perfect boyfriend. It doesn't take a lot to please me, it really doesn't. I'm not the type of girl that needs to be treated out places. I like to stay in, or just do things that don't really require spending money like going to the park or walking around. But, whatever.

Today was pretty uneventful. I'm really tired but I NEED to get my introduction, negation, and component paragraphs done plus copy someone's chapter 25 study guide because I went from a 134% to a 65%, lmao.

I am currently playing Words With Friends w/ Bay. He's winning. Wtf is wrong with this picture!?

I wish my family was a lot closer.. I just hate how it's rare we all get along and how I can't really "depend" on them for things other than financial support and superficial things like that. But I'm thankful that we can spend the time together that we do. We can joke around and have fun but I just wish it was more than it is. But I am thankful, even for the shit they've put me through. I just would never want my family to be anything like this.

I'd rock these panties! ^_^ On the crotch part is a picture of Hello Kitty and the bunny. LOL.

I swear, first things he's ever bought me and he was definitely on point. I love them so much. ^_^ I've never been so excited about presents ever before. Never, haha. Not my iphone, or shoes, nothin. His topped all of that. I think it was because he bought them for me but his presents made me hella giddy. Like a little kid or something, haha.



Everything was HK! Tote bag, iphone case, pen, note pad, key holder, and landyard. AND he got my two favorite candies. I love him so much. He's really the greatest. LOL. Okay. I think I'm done being gay. But you can tell he's made me ridiculously happy.

Why is mother nature doing this to me? 70% chance of rain on Saturday in both San Jo and Hayward. It wants my day to suck. Then on Sunday it'll be mostly sunny with a 10% chance of rain. I'm taking this as a sign. "DON'T GO. YOU'LL FUCK YOURSELF OVER." Lmao. The rain ain't gonna stop me none, oh no it won't. Taco Bell for dinner...gross.

Soo cold and windy. Had In-n-Out today, it was so great. I'm gonna start watching what I'm eating better. I don't like this pooch I'm getting. I should start on apush study guide, which is gonna take forever since it's a 5-5-5 but I'll procrastinate till after this blog. Chrissy gave me a ride home today in his new car. I missed his senior night match where he actually won. Got a pin in like 20 something seconds. And I missed it. >=O I really don't know what's gonna go down on Saturday. We'll just see what happens. It's gonna hella rain though. That's a fail. -_- Hopefully I get my tat. Then hopefully I get the one my Mom is gonna bring me to get I get before the month is over. Slowly gonna work my way up the tat game ladder. ^_^ The one on my side is gonna hurt. X_X Damn me for being so skinny. I'm gonna be a pussy and make Bffl hold my hand, lawls. (I love when Mymy "LAWL LAWLs" in class. LOL.) Anywhoo.. This week went by pretty fast. I just hope tomorrow does too. I'm looking forward to Saturday, rain and all. I just need to blow off some steam and be around fun people. Chill, eat, get tatted (HOPEFULLY!!!), and alla that. I need to soak my nails in acetone tonight because they look jank as fuck. I miss my long natural nails. NO MORE ACRYLICS FROM NOW ON. I'm gonna regrow all of them from scratch. Hopefully before the year is over they'll be long like they were before.

I kinda wanted to visist Ronnie this weekend too before he starts work or around the time he does. I can get there but idk how to take the bus back to West Hayward from the BART where it drops me off. Damn me for not being able to drive yet. I think we're going to BJ'S for Pap's birthday dinner tomorrow. They have the nommiest strawberry lemonade ever.

My Mom said she was gonna call Gorio about my tat. She has yet to pick up the phone. Hmph at you woman. And hmph at you for making me late AGAIN today.

Things are weird and complicated between us right now. And I hate this situation too. But just know that no matter what happens I love you.

1) Boi-ing #3 concealer: $18
2) Bare Minerals Flawless Definition mascara: $18
3) PenUltimate Eyeliner: $16.50
4) Eye Kohl Eyeliner: $13.50
5) Honeylove lipstick: $24
=$90...just for make-up that you can't even tell I'm wearing. Wtf am I doing with my life?

Today went by SO fast. I slept in so late and it was great, haha. I got McDonalds. Large ten piece with a McChicken. I've got to stop. My poor arteries. I still haven't changed out of my tights and it's really hot.. Got my super easy classes tomorrow! I stayed up till 3:30am and still felt super refreshed when I woke up. Depending on what I'm doing on Saturday..I might get tatted up. Yayyuh. I just need to make it hidable since I'm getting my back tatt sometime within the next couple of weeks. Ohp, well I guess I'll cut this blog short cos I have to peepee.

You don't fucken miss me so I don't see the point in seeing you. I'll just have your shit sent to your house and that's that, I'll see you whenever. I don't fucken understand you sometimes. It just makes me so fucken irritated with you.

LIKE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. I CALL YOU AND YOU BE ACTING HELLA STUPID LIKE THAT. WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM? Fucken a you just piss me the hell off sometimes forreal. I don't fucken get you. This shit makes me livid as fuck no joke. I don't even wanna fucken talk to you. I don't think I've been this pissed off at you. EVER.

Pathetic thing is if I tried to tell you you'd just get pissed off. Back to holding in my feelings..AGAIN. I fucken guess.

"I don’t care what the male needs are. I like my lack of boobs. Just means I can wear more revealing clothes without looking like a hooch."

Thanks for making me feel better, my dear quote.