You're acting really weird and being super shady. I don't wanna deal with it. I know it's my fault I assume the worst but what do you expect me to do? Think that everything is okay then find out the worst? I'm the type of person to just completely pull away from the relationship when I feel like I'm being pushed away first. I guess it's a matter of me thinking that I won't get hurt but in the end I just get hurt either way. To me it's like "Oh, you think you can fuck me over first? We'll see about that." and I just completely shut down and pull away. I won't talk, I'll ignore phone calls and texts and alla that. I start to cut you out of my life, and if you say something about it then that's when I start the process of letting you back in again. It's a vicious cycle. It's so inconsistent. I don't feel "a part" of anything with you. I feel like it's just you, and I'm kinda there. I sound needy as fuck but I guess that's what I am. I want SOMETHING solid, SOMETHING forreal. Something I know is for sure. You asked me "You know I love you right? You know that you're the love of my life." I shut down at that very moment because I don't believe you. I didn't say anything and you asked me "Yes or no?" and I said yes because that's the answer that wouldn't get me in trouble. But you wanna know something? I don't believe you. I mean.. I understand you bring me into you house, you let me sleep in your bed, and we do all these things together but maybe I'm just not letting myself believe you because I don't trust you. A successful anything is built off of trust and I don't trust you. I start to believe you mean all the things you say but then something happens and all that just crumbles down and I have to start all over again. There's a difference between mattering to someone and being in love with them. I mean, I guess I have to matter to some extent because you do do the things you do with me but I'm just so used to being screwed over and lied to that it's like, "well what reason do I have to believe you?" I don't know how to let myself believe you. Maybe I'm just waiting for something that'll be like the slap in the face I need to realize that you really do care. I don't know. I guess you wouldn't have stuck around as long as you have but me being me, I'm being impossible as usual. I wish things could just be simple and flat out in your face. I have problems, I get it.