After all my family puts me through they're seriously lucky I haven't gone complete apeshit and had a mental breakdown because of them. I have so much resentment towards them, especially my Mom. I just don't like being around all of them at once or most especially, my Mom and my brother together. She becomes a completely different person whenever he's around, suddenly everything that goes wrong is my fault. She says I'm too mean to him and that's why our relationship isn't that great. I'm "mean" to him because I feel I need to be his fucken Mother. Maybe if she acted like a mom once and awhile she wouldn't be so "stressed out." She lets him get away with murder. She always says how she does alll this stuff for me. Uh, I do my own laundry, I clean my room/my bathroom, I cook for myself 80% of the time. Her version of dinner is fast food because she's "so tired." Tired doing what? I understand being a single parent is hard, but it's not like she cleans the apartment. It's a fucken stye. It's disgusting. It's not like there's food and shit rotting everywhere, lmao. It's more just junk - toys, paperwork, clothes, etc. It's still embarassing though. She says we never pick up after ourselves, or no, this is my favorite... My brother cleans up more than I do. If he cleans more than me how come I hear you bitching and screaming at him because you stepped on one of his toys or his games, hm? Shut the fuck up. I'm tired of being this obedient daughter to someone who isn't a fucken Mom. I honestly attribute our disagreements to our different parenting styles. I understand he's not my son, but when she's done cussing him out because he doesn't understand his homework who does he come to in tears begging for help on his work? IT'S ME. I STAY UP UNTIL 1AM WITH HIM WHILE YOU SIT ON YOUR ASS WATCHING TV LOCKED IN YOUR ROOM. I don't fucken have to do that but I do because I don't want him going through the bullshit you all put me through. What Mom tells her kid to "SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR 2 FUCKEN SECONDS WHILE I TRY AND PAY FOR THE FUCKEN GROCERIES WILL YOU?" in public? Who does that? Oh, my fucken Mother.

We've always had really bad living arrangments from everyone sharing a bed, sharing a room, 1 bedroom apartment, now finally 2 bedroom apartment. I've never had the ideal, steady life like everyone else and I want my brother to have that. My Mom and my brother have shared a room/bed ever since he was a baby since our living situation was always really hard. I was always the one who got the actual room because she didn't want us sharing since we were the oppisite sex and she said I needed my own space. Now he's developed this over-attachment to my Mom. He seriously can't even watch TV in the living room without her there. Or when he showers, since he showers in her bathroom, she HAS to be in the bedroom with the bathroom door open so he's not alone. That's not healthy.... When I was in therapy she even told my Mom she needs to clean that room so he can sleep on his own. That's the whole reason we HAVE two bedroom apartment is so each kid has their own room. But does he sleep on his own? Nope. They share the fucken futon couch in the livingroom. She's tried to get him to sleep on his own twice and each time he wakes up at 2am or 3am crying and they end up sharing a bed together. His psyche is already fucked, there's not fixing that. He's gonna be one of those weirdo kids that has attachment and spactial issues with people. The boy is fucken 9 years old... I've even tried cleaning that room for her and she just gets mad saying she'll do it herself. Does she? No. I'm tired of being the person that tries to make everything better for everyone else then gets the finger pointed at them.

Today, my brother was on the computer and apparently the keyboard kept trippen out on him when he was about to win his game. So angry and in tears screaming he goes to my Mom and says "MOM!! THE KEYBOARD IS MESSED UP!! EVERYTIME I'M ABOUT TO WIN A MISSION IS MESSES UP!! WE NEED TO BUY A NEW KEYBOARD TOMORROW!!" "It depends on how expensive they are. You guys love wasting my money." "THIS IS ALL ATE'S FAULT!!!! IF SHE DIDN'T MESS IT UP!!!!!!!!" No one ever defends me, for anything. It hurts my feelings. I understand he's a kid and he's mad but someone needs to tell him he's wrong. When I've tried to in the past that's when my Mom decides to come and intervene and yell at me. Great, huh?

These people have put me through so much. The weekly therapy trips, being on medicine, harming myself. That's not okay. And my Mom even asked "Am I doing anything to you that's making it worse?" and I started to say "Well when.." and here she goes, thinking she's Supermom "OH. SO I'M A BAD MOM HUH? WHY DON'T YOU JUST STAY WITH MAMA AND PAPA IF I'M THAT BAD." And I shut down. I have to put up a front with my Mom because I just can't be honest with her without her taking her anger out on me. Well maybe if you just calmed down and listened to me tell you how I felt..

I think this is why I try to make my relationships with guys so perfect and the reason I act the way I do in them. I'm a product of my environment, everyone is. And my environment sucked..

I don't know what to do anymore.

Whenever I'm feeling down about what's going on at home you get so insensitive about it.. I'm not resiliant, I can't just 'get over' things like you tell me I should. 'Man up' is what you tell me. I just can't do that. I've been beat down so far. It hasn't been easy for me to get back to where I am now. I don't need you to baby be, I just wanna know that you're there for me to listen. You can't do anything about it I understand, but that doesn't mean you have to be so mean about it. I get the whole "tough love" thing, but you just come off so mean about it.. I don't need your help, I just want you to listen once and awhile. You don't need to talk, just let me vent it out to you. No one else understands and I have no one else to go to about it other than you. You understand what I go through. It may not seem that bad to you but obviously it hurt me bad. But before you go and start calling me weak again..I'm strong damnit. If I wasn't I wouldn't have gotten back to where I am now. Can't go anywhere else but up.. I'm pretty content, but every now and then my depression settles back in. That's what I need you.