This is why I'd much rather be alone. Relationships just in general are messy whether it's between a significant other, friends, or family. I'm tired of the people that matter most in my life being the most inconsiderate of me. I should be comfortable around them, right? Wrong. The relationship I have with my Mom is surface. I don't show her how I really feel, or anyone for that matter, because they get angry and mad at how I'm feeling. But they don't realize that I'm feeling because of the way they treat me. I don't just randomly feel like this; there's a reason for it but no one seems to give a damn. I'm tired of trying to get people to see how I feel because it just makes the relationship worse. But if I don't say anything the relationship won't get any better so usually I just give up. I fake a lot of the relationship I have with my Mom. She doesn't understand that a lot of how I'm feeling comes from the way she acts and the way she treats me. She can't handle my moodswings? Has she ever considered I act the way I do because of her? Of course not. She's a great parent and she's super fucken ignorant to the way she acts. I can't tell her she's a lot of the reason for my feeling this way because that'll just...no. I can't. I don't want a family and I don't want a boyfriend. I just want friends. Strictly friends. Never have I ever had this type of problem with the guys or Asia. I'm tired of the relationships that matter most to me involve the most inconsiderate people on the planet.

I have always been fine being alone. It's actually always what I wanted. It's when I find someone that I truly have feelings for do things get complicated. But I stick it out for the sole purpose that just maybe this could actually be a lasting relationship - naht. I want someone to be there for me and I want someone to care about me and love me but to me, that takes away from my independnce and I don't want that. I don't want to need people. And when I get into situations like the one I'm in now, I start to need. I don't want to need. I don't want to be needy. I want to be self sufficient. When I'm alone without a guy in my life it's fine. I handle my family shit by just pushing it under the rug like it doesn't exist. But when I have someone that could potentially be there for me I start to feel like "Oh, I could open up to them. They could be there when I need them." But then I guess I start doing it too much or they see how fucked up my feelings and emotions are that they say I'm too needy or I'm crazy or somethin then they bounce. No surprise there. The thing is I shouldn't need them. I hate needing people and I hate depending on people. And the people that I do actually depend on are the most inconsiderate people that have the power to hurt me most out of anyone else in the world. If I was alone then I wouldn't have to deal with all that.

I have this fear. I've constantly lived in some sort of fear. I lie about how I'm feeling or whatever to my Mom because if I don't react or act in a way that pleases her she flips out and I hated that and it hurt my feelings so at a really young age I learned to lie about my feelings. Honestly, I'm one of the best liars I know. Sometimes I get so lost in what other people want that I forgot about myself and who I am. I live my life to please everyone else and I learned to do that when I was so young that I've lived this lie and my family actually thinks this is the real me. I mean, I'm myself and whatever but not 100%. I always put everyone else before me and when I try to put myself first like a normal person I feel selfish and I always, never fails, get called out on it by someone. It doesn't even have to be my family, someone does it and it makes me feel like shit so I go back and put everyone else before me.

I've only had one healthy relationship with a person where there was balance. I have no balance and no stability in my life. I just want one healthy, stable, balanced relationship with a guy and I've had that once. I'm not looking for an identical match to what I had before, hell no. I want what's healthy for the particular relationship I'm in with whoever. I want "healthy" that works for us. It doesn't need to please anyone else but us. That's the only relationship in the world that I'm willing to fight anyone for. *Sighh.

In my life people only seem to give a fuck about me when the way I act and how my life is going starts to affect their's. If it ain't hurting them in any way they could give a fuck about Rikki.